Darkmage's Movie Reviews with Trailers (15)
Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 1/2/2001
Studio: Vivid Wave
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Starring: Asia Carrera, T.T. Boy, Sindee Coxx, Brittany Andrews, Steven St. Croix, Debi Diamond, Nina Hartley, Jon Dough
Directed by: Toni English
Review brief: The Plot: Once upon a time, there was a student nursing program at a hospital. These student nurses were paid a small salary to help them pay their way through school and incidentally gain some experience in their chosen profession. But all is not well in the kingdom of chemical smells and scary people in white coats that keep wanting me to put on that jacket with the long sleeves that is just too tight... It appears that the nurses have been handing out some rather unusual physical therapy treatments to the patients. "Unusual?" I hear you ask, "What do you mean, unusual?" It's a porn movie, take a wild guess. In fact, after the morning rejuvenating treatment on a very happy patient, our hero Andrea (Nina Hartley) gets called into her supervisor's office (Jon Dough) where she gets the bad news: The hospital is cutting the budget, and specifically her student nursing program. Naturally, since Andrea's job is the student nursing program, she is out the door when the program ends as well.
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Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 11/25/2000
Studio: Private
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Starring: Nicole Thompson, Katalin, Vanessa Freeman, Caroline Cage, Harmony Grant, Dru Barrymore, Nikky Blond
Directed by: Frank Thring
Review brief: The Plot: Wow! Just think of the possibilities behind not just Confusion, but Double Confusion! Think of the possible outcomes of mistaking a mainstream actress for a porn actress! Think of the fun watching people mistake a porn actress for a mainstream actress! Think of the potential! Think how much fun Double Confusion is going to be! Now think again. This plot sucks elephant hemorrhoids. We start with our "mainstream" actress being invited to the Cannes Film Festival. The same guy who invites her to the festival also invites a porn star that specializes in master/slave porn movies. As you can guess, the guy who is supposed to pick up the porn star at the airport picks up the wrong one. Hey, I can fully sympathize.
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Release date: 6/30/2000
Reviewed on: 10/31/2000
Studio: Wicked
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Starring: Ian Daniels, Sana Fey, Serenity, Ursula Moore, Randy Spears, Shanna McCullough, Kary Evers, Stephanie Swift, Mickey G., Jewel De'Nyle, Herschel Savage
Directed by: Jonathan Morgan
Review brief: What do you get when you mix Godzilla with Bodzilla ? How about Frankenstein with FrankenHooker? Attack of the Killer Tomatoes with Assault of the Killer Bimbos? If you are really really lucky, you get something close to Double Feature!, Jonathan Morgan's masterpiece of campy horror, alien invaders and well-endowed monsters (If you are unlucky, you get crap starring Matthew Broderick and a CGI lizard). The Plot: Oh, how I love porn with a plot! Stupid plot, dumb plot, fun plot, I don't care. Just give me something that shows that our intrepid cast members have more talent than an inflatable doll. Stupid plot, dumb plot, fun plot, Double Feature! gives you all that and more. You see, there is a reason it is called Double Feature! as in there are no less than two separate (kind of) movies on this disc.
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Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 9/25/2000
Studio: Wicked
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Starring: Asia Carrera, Jill Kelly, T.T. Boy, Sindee Coxx, Brittany Andrews, Missy, Eric Price, Johnni Black, Mike Horner, Brad Armstrong, Steve Drake, Jonathan Morgan, Mickey G., Jenna Jameson, Veronica Hart, Sydnee Steele
Directed by: Brad Armstrong
Review brief: Once in a long while we get a movie like Flashpoint. In fact, the last time we got a movie like Flashpoint, it was called Backdraft and it only had one sex scene on top of a fire engine. (All movies about fire fighters need a sex scene on a fire engine) Someone decided that what the adult industry needed was a movie with the plot quality of Backdraft and the sexual heat of Conquest. Lo and behold, Flashpoint is created upon the forge of horny Jenna fans everywhere! The Plot:Most porn movies start with a sex scene inside of two minutes. The theory is that you want to grab the audience's dick and get its attention. This actually works. Trust me, if you grab anyone's dick you have their complete attention. However, this movie starts with a group of firefighters responding to automobile accident. As they work to extract the crash victim, the damaged engine catches on fire and the car explodes, killing both the accident victim and one of the firefighters. During the funeral, Jenna is interrupted by one of her coworkers (Lt.
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Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 9/25/2000
Studio: Digital Playground
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Starring: Asia Carrera, Tom Byron, Missy, Kia, Alex Sanders, Mark Davis, Juli Ashton, Shayla LaVeaux, Sahara Sands, Vince Vouyer, Brad Armstrong, Julie Rage, Claudio, Jenna Jameson, Alex Dane, Sean Rider
Directed by: Greg Steele, Brad Armstrong
Review brief: The Plot: Yep, not every great movie makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. Conquest is a good example. Our lovely tale of lust and torn bodices starts with a hanging. John "Dutch" is about to die for his crimes as a pirate. Sentenced to hang by his neck until dead (Does anyone just hang by the neck until uncomfortable?), John is rescued at the last second by his Captain, his fellow crewmen and the timely intervention of a chick with big tits. Naturally, no good deed goes unpunished, and we are treated to watching the crown prince (hilariously overplayed to perfection by somebody who deserved more credit) rant & rave about "Blackheart", our hero. Speaking of our hero, he and his crew are resting in the Batcave before setting sail. Captain Steubing receives a navigation chart and instructions to meet up with the rest of his crew at an uncharted island. Instead of thwacking the guy over the head for giving him a chart and instructions for an uncharted island, he wanders off to brood over the loss of his family.
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Release date: 8/7/2000
Reviewed on: 8/26/2000
Studio: Adam & Eve
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Starring: John Decker, Anna Malle, Nina Hartley, Hank Armstrong
Directed by: Nina Hartley
Review brief: The Plot: There really isn't a plot, per se, to this disc. Think of it more like a CBT (Computer- Based Training) for anal play. I can see this up on your bookshelf in your office next to the other CBTs. Networking, Systems Design, Anal Sex, Distributed Development. Yep, it just fits right in there, doesn't it? And that, after all, is what we're talking about today. Nina whips out the lecture mode and teaches us everything you ever wanted to know about playing with your ass in four easy chapters. The first chapter is anatomy, and she describes where everything is, how it is shaped, what is sensitive, etc. in exquisite detail. If she wasn't a teacher before the adult business, she should have been. She's an excellent lecturer. She doesn't stumble over her words, she doesn't sound condescending, she enunciates well... I wish she had been teaching some of my classes in college. I would have done much better if I'd been watching her instead of the grad student I got saddled with for differential equations.
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Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 7/30/2000
Studio: Heatwave
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Starring: Steve Hatcher, Dave Hardman, Kyle Stone, Mila, Rod Fontana, Candy Apples, Tabitha Stevens, Ron Jeremy, Jonathan Morgan, Gina Rome, Randy Storm, Sweety Pie
Directed by: Jim Powers
Review brief: Never let it be said that I don't go the whole nine yards to give you, the discerning porn connoissier, the very best in adult DVD reviews. I work hard at giving you the most thorough, accurate and humorous reviews that I can. Sometimes, I have to make sacrifices in order to give you the best review in exchange for the time it takes to read them. In the case of today's DVD, the Texas Dildo Masquerade, I went out and rented the movie that inspired this tale of lost teenagers in a wilderness of terror. Yes, I actually watched the Texas Chainsaw Massacre in order to catch any reference that the director may throw at you. I suspect that the director is a fan of the original horror movie and he wanted to show, in his own way, that he enjoyed the cult classic and pay homage to the archetype of the slasher films. He failed. The Plot: Okay, check this out. Four impressionable "youths" are driving through the countryside to check on the gravesite of one of their number's grandfather.
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Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 7/19/2000
Studio: VCA
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Starring: Jill Kelly, Nick East, Tricia Devereaux, T.T. Boy, Sindee Coxx, Steve Hatcher, Misty Rain, Missy, Mickey Lynn, Krista Maze, Nico Treasures, Caressa Savage, Stacy Valentine, Kylie Ireland, Tiffany Mynx, Serenity, Mark Davis, Christi Lake, Juli Ashton, Shayla LaVeaux, Sahara Sands, Ashlyn Gere, Victoria Paris, Julie Rage, Nina Hartley, Morgan Fairlane, Houston, Alek Dane, Deva Station, Brittany O'Connell, Sinderella, Paisley Hunter, Brianna Lee, Dalny Marga
Directed by: Jim Holliday
Review brief: The Plot: As you can tell from the title, this is part three of a series. I really wish I'd seen the first two. I might know a bit more where these people were coming from. I dropped this happy disk into my DVD player, expecting a fairly brainless ho-hum, low budget porn flick. I should have paid more attention. Two clues went right by me until I watched the opening credits. Clue number one: This is VCA putting out this DVD, so they have the talent. Clue number two: Executive producer is Antonio Passolini. Aha! As far as I can gather, the Upsilon Sigma Sorority has apparently been using voodoo rituals to kidnap fraternity guys to use them for breeding purposes. The girls stay young and fresh through depraved rituals, and use the guys for stud service whenever they feel the need or want children. I don't really see the problem, but I suppose the guys don't like being kept around and screwed silly every now and then. Whatever. Anyhow, our movie starts with the capture of the latest recruit for stud service.
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Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 6/28/2000
Studio: Vivid
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Starring: Bobby Vitale, Julian, Raquel DeVine, Phyllisha Anne, Halli Aston, Devon, Gwen Summers, Herschel Savage
Directed by: Paul Thomas
Review brief: The Plot: One fine spring day many years ago in the countryside of well, I dont know where the hell this takes place. I suppose it doesnt matter. Anyhow, John (our hero) is walking through the woods one day and comes across a young couple without being seen. Like most young couples in porn movies, theyre just starting to get naked in time for us to catch the full effect of them scromping away on the forest floor. The young couple continue with their lovemaking while John spies on them from the bushes. Lo and behold, the woman is aware of Johns presence! Naturally, she does what any young woman does when caught in the act of illicit lovemaking by some stranger she gives him sensuous looks while she continues to screw her partner. (Okay, this goes completely contrary to my experience. Usually when people know Im watching, they scream and get their clothes on. It must be something in the water at the porn movie sets.
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Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 6/18/2000
Studio: Vivid Wave
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Starring: Patricia Kennedy, Tom Byron, Nikki Tyler, Tony Tedeschi, Joey Silvera, Nina Hartley, Jessica James
Directed by: Ernest Greene
Review brief: After youve watched enough X-rated DVDs, you start to notice little clues about them that can tell you whether or not this particular disc has a future in your permanent collection, or if it is going to be used to prop up that pesky table that wobbles. There are some warning signs that are usually a good indicator of whether or not to avoid the disc. A large warning sign is if there is no description of the DVD on the box. Another warning sign of a bad porn movie is if there is no list of the performers on the box, either. That in mind, consider that Vivids DVD of Plaything has nothing on the box except a couple of pretty pictures and a list of the special features. Sound ominous? It is. But read on, intrepid porn fans. Find out if Plaything is worth playing with. The Plot: Who watches the watchmen? Or, in a modern bent on a classic situation, we join Paula (Nikki Tyler), a sexual relationship counselor who has been having relationship troubles.
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Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 5/2/2000
Studio: VCA
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Starring: Ginger Lynn, Paul Thomas, Ron Jeremy, Cindy Brookes, Shane Taylor, Harry Hardwood
Review brief: The Plot: Oh boy, thats a tough one is there plot on this disc? Well, kind of. There is a plot of sorts, but this really is more of a compilation disc than anything else. There is plot for each scene, but its never part of a cohesive whole. Its like watching the Club Massacre from the beginning of Blade, the boarding of the plane from Passenger 57, and the final inning from Major League on a Wesley Snipes compilation disc. Is there a plot? Sure, but you dont see much of it. Im just going to address the plots in the scene breakdown; its really not worth it from here. The Cast: You know, those of us who are old enough to remember the Golden Age of Porn (i.e., old farts like myself) have fond memories for the great stars of the years gone by. These warriors of the sexual age were the few warm bodies who were able to rise above the tab A into slot B routine and show us how much fun sex could be. The unsung heroes of our sexual education, they were there in our parents closet, in their bottom drawers and under their beds.
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Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 3/18/2000
Studio: Vivid Raw
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Starring: Bobby Vitale, Pat Myne, McKayla, Envy, Violet Love, Kaylynn, Keri, Jade Marcela, Mirage
Directed by: Robby D
Review brief: The Plot: What plot? It's a gonzo, so by definition we have no plot. There is this theme of someone with a handheld video camera peeking in windows and watching people have sex. It kind of runs like this: we start with a view from the handheld camera which apparently only shoots in black & white, and with a flashing "[REC]" in red in the corner. I suppose we are to believe that we are watching this through the viewfinder. We watch as our perverted cameraman approaches and films the characters in the scene getting within striking distance. At that point, we cut to a more traditional porno angle, and in color. Every now and then we cut back to the long shot from the "black and white" camera, just to remind you that someone is watching. The cameraman will duck around a bit, trying not to be seen, to add realism. Uh-huh. Sure. I'll admit it right now, I'm not a really big fan of gonzo. In fact, this is my first review of a gonzo film. Since I always include a plot section, I am a bit at a loss for what to say here. Let me just say that I miss my porn plot. Sigh.
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Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 3/12/2000
Studio: VCA
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Starring: Michael J. Cox, Ian Daniels, Steve Hatcher, Kyle Stone, Stacy Valentine, Chris Cannon, John Strong, Juli Ashton, Randy Spears, Tina Tyler, Vicca, J.J. Michaels, Anita Cannibal, Nikita, Keri Windsor, Peris Bleau, Crystal Crawford, Horny Little Man, Cris Canon
Directed by: Antonio Passolini
Review brief: The Plot: Oh, how I love a movie with a plot! It doesn't have to be a completely consistent plot, but something with dialogue always gets my attention. And this movie has some great dialogue, most of it delivered by Tina Tyler. Stacy does her part very well, including an audition for Time Travelling Lobster Boy that is hilarious. Nikita and Vicca add a touch of the exotic in their few lines, and Randy Spears puts in a great performance as the workaholic husband. I apparently grew up with too much poorly acted porn, because I am continually amazed when I seen good performances, such as the ones in DMJ6. The tough part is describing the plot without laughing. This movie has some hilarious moments in it, most of them visual, some of them subtle, and a few that fall into "you just had to be there". We start our movie with Satan interviewing the newest catch, Buffy (Anita Cannibal). We flash back three days earlier where we see Buffy living in her trailer and ignoring her husband who works in the slaughterhouse.
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Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 2/11/2000
Studio: Vivid Wave
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Starring: Tom Byron, Sindee Coxx, Rebecca Bardoux, Roxanne Hall, Kia, Alex Sanders, Alec Metro, Nicole Lace
Directed by: Paul Norman
Review brief: The Plot: You know, its a pity to start a review on such a downer, but this is really the failing point of the movie. The movie is supposedly about our favorite perpetually confused generation, with no role models and no goals in life, right? Being a member of the tail end of Generation X myself, I was hoping that this movie would have some people my age doing the old what have I done with my life? routine in a coffee shop. (This would, of course, lead to sex in the coffee shop.) I dont know what I was thinking. Its a porn movie, for nogs sake. This movie is completely devoid of any plot whatsoever. There is dialogue, there is some semblance of time passing linearly, but thats about it. Our plot follows the adventures of some apartment dwellers as they go through one day. We start with Tom Byron annoying the hell out of his neighbor Roxanne Hall by blasting his stereo and playing on his air guitar. We set up the fact that she cant work while he plays his music. Then, we jump jarringly to a photo shoot of Nikole Lace and Sindee Coxx, who are performing for Alec Metro.
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Release date: 4/24/2000
Reviewed on: 2/7/2000
Studio: Vivid
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Starring: Nick East, Billy Glide, Tia Bella, T.J. Hart, Claudia, James Bonn, Elle Devyne, Veronica Caine, Sydnee Steele
Directed by: Ralph Parfait
Review brief: The Plot: Well, it's pretty typical for this kind of film. Our heroine, Jane (Tia Bella), is an assistant video editor to Mitch (James Bonn). What do they work on? Pornos, of course! Alas, Jane is a bit too uptight to really get into her work. Well, when she wanders off alone, she finds herself living out the scenes she's been editing, and gradually loses her inhibitions. There is a bit of a subplot with new roommate (Barett Moore) and her uninhibited ways (setting a good example is important for today's uptight video editors). Finally, our hero gets her to contact his old roommate, whereupon he walks in on the two of them. A threesome results (naturally), much to the delight of the passerbys. Did I mention the threesome was in a courtyard?The Cast: Okay, I have to admit, Tia Bella's got a nice body. Great skin, big breasts, and a wonderful smile. In fact, she's a pretty good actress. I kid you not, some of her dialogue with James Bonn is relaxed, natural, and doesn't even sound rehearsed (much).
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