Country Comfort (Vivid) Review

The Plot: One fine spring day many years ago in the countryside of… well, I don’t know where the hell this takes place. I suppose it doesn’t matter. Anyhow, John (our hero) is walking through the woods one day and comes across a young couple without being seen. Like most young couples in porn movies, they’re just starting to get naked in time for us to catch the full effect of them scromping away on the forest floor. The young couple continue with their lovemaking while John spies on them from the bushes. Lo and behold, the woman is aware of John’s presence! Naturally, she does what any young woman does when caught in the act of illicit lovemaking by some stranger… she gives him sensuous looks while she continues to screw her partner.

(Okay, this goes completely contrary to my experience. Usually when people know I’m watching, they scream and get their clothes on. It must be something in the water at the porn movie sets. Either that or I should stop wearing that cop outfit when I go looking for couples in the woods.)

Anyhow, John is walking along the street, and for no discernable reason whatsoever, he decides to wander through some guy’s gate and say hello. Okay, maybe he saw the two women and thought this would be a good place to stop. Anyhow, the master of the house (Franco) comes out and invites him to stick around for a while. While inside, John discovers that the third woman in the house is none other than the woman he was spying on that morning (wow, who would have thought?) Anyhow, he gets the job as caretaker to this guy and three hot chicks. Taking the invitation of a room & board in return for becoming the “caretaker”, he goes to sleep, wishing his host and his daughters a pleasant night.

Well... That night, two of said hot chicks have sex with the master of the house. Naturally, the moaning and groaning wakes up John, who wanders downstairs (stepping on every creaking board in the process) and watches the action. I swear, this guy seems to do nothing but watch other people get laid. Well, I take it back. The next morning, John the Caretaker, who quite noticeably doesn’t seem to do any caretaking, grabs this lady (whom you have not seen yet in the entire movie) and has sex with her on the patio.

Just as those two finish up and go walking among the flowers in the backyard like a pair of lovers just fresh from a good outdoor sex session, we pan over and see the master of the house and yet another chick who seems to come from nowhere. After some foreplay, they go inside the house and have some knock-down, drag out gorilla sex. Our hero discovers the three ladies of the household trying on some lacy and frilly things. Interrupting their fashion show, they put him in a dress, give him some makeup, and proceed to fuck him silly. As much as I hate looking like an idiot, if it meant I had three women screwing me silly I’d wear the dress, too. Anyhow, the master of the house comes back from his trip in to town and finds our hero just finishing up all over one of the ladies. While chuckling softly at John’s foolishness, he informs our hero that the women are not, in fact, his daughters, but are actually his wives. All three of ‘em. And he needs help keeping them happy. Finis.

Okay, I don’t know what sort of crack Vivid is smoking, but something is missing from this movie. I have the distinct impression that this movie has been butchered to save space for Vivid’s usual crop (or is it crap?) of lame extras. I’m serious! There are a couple things that just make absolutely no sense in this movie:

1. At the end of the movie, there are a lot of references to some conversation that we never see. Julian mentions someone saying that the ladies were daughters, there is mention of a widow somewhere, and something about being sent off into the countryside. Too many somethings.
2. During one particularly bad editing cut, we pick up in the middle of a sentence that obviously was important to the plot. You just do not start a scene with an actor saying "...so that's what happened. You shouldn't think about things like that."
3. After the last sex scene, when everyone has big smiles and is oozing various fluids, Phylissa says "Don't you remember when Susan was telling you about the beautiful old widow who loves taking in strays that no one else wanted?" NO! I don't remember! Because some numb-nut cut out that dialog to make room for bios of girls that aren't in the movie!

Yep, I think Vivid cut something out of this one, plot-wise. You have to work to make a movie this confusing. It doesn’t happen by accident.

The Cast: We have a rather small group of performers here today. The fairer sex is represented by Devon, Gwen Summers, Halli Aston, Phylissa Ann, Raquel Divine. The guys bring Julian, Bobby Vitale and Herschel Savage to the field. Devon is a nice treat, with what can only be described as a “full” bosom. The dress she’s wearing at the beginning of the movie puts them up front and at attention. I’m sure they’re originally from Silicone Valley, but whoever did the work did a great job. They stick straight out and they’re huge. Throw in a great set of legs and an ass that won't quit and life is good. Julian manages to take the low-key method of acting to a new level. Right up until the last scene, I would think he was almost asleep if I didn’t know better.

On the lighter side, Herschel Savage produces an acceptable job as the master of the house, Franco. Phylissa Ann does a reasonable job as well as the maid Susan. I like her body (natural tits! Yahoo!). Halli Aston is also another of the all-natural crowd, but she comes across as “skinny” rather than “sensual”. Raquel Divine, on the other hand, needs to be deflated a lot. Her chest cannons look terrible. Overall, I really liked watching Devon the most, with Phylissa a close second.

The Sex: Hmm… How about we start our porno movie with some sex? Woo-hoo! Bobby Vitale and Devon are having a little rendezvous in the woods. Julian seems to have wandered across this scene from the Discovery Channel and hunkers down in the bushes to watch. Julian, you would make a lousy sniper. Stevie Wonder could see you hanging out in the bushes! But enough about Julian lurking around like a leprechaun. How is the sex? Very inconsistent. It starts with some light teasing followed by a fair-to-good blowjob. Devon is not one of the great masters at this sport, but she gives it the old college try. At least she doesn’t just give it a couple licks and smile a lot, she actually goes deep a few times. After that is a very good looking doggie style on a blanket. You know, I think I have finally found out why guys keep their shoes on during porn scenes. He needs traction! He has a hard time getting his legs in the right positions and staying there. I bet it would be nigh impossible without the shoes. However, here’s a tip, Bobby: Next time, try not to step on her dress. You get better traction that way. Anyhow, it is a good looking doggy style scene, but as soon as they decide to switch positions they stop for a bit. I really don’t understand this part. He sits down on a metal chair, and she walks around him a couple times. Why, I don’t know. Eventually, she hops aboard for some more dick action, but this part about walking around the guy in the chair just baffles me. Bobby finishes up with waaaaay too much jacking. It looks terrible. I would tell you exactly how long he stood there, stroking himself like the energizer bunny, but then I would have to watch it again. Backing up the DVD to watch some guy jack off is not high on my list of how to spend an evening.

Well now. After serving a lovely meal of crackers and cheese to the guest, our host (Herschel Savage) sends our hero off to bed. I personally think this is kind of rude, but given that he wants to have a three way with two of the ladies, I can understand. I suppose that this is supposed to be artistic, but he makes out on the couch with one lady (Gwen Summers) while the other one (Halli Aston) strips and dances around the couch. Now, I don’t know how much sex this woman gets on a daily basis, but I normally do one of three things when a couple of people start to have sex in the room. I either 1) Offer to join in, 2) Leave discreetly or 3) Cheer them on and throw peanuts. I do not normally dance around the couch with my tits hanging out. After a little “Tra-la-la… I’m a pretty butterfly!” dancing, things get down to business and she joins in. From here on out, it’s a pretty standard sex scene, insomuch as two women tag teaming a single guy can be called “standard”. Waking up from all of the noise, our hero wanders downstairs to see what the commotion is that is keeping him from a good night’s rest (maybe he just wants to turn down the background music). Lo and behold, the host is screwing two of the women he had dinner with! And he didn’t offer him one! The service is lousy in this joint… Anyhow, I’ll quit the banter and say that this was an average scene. There was one aspect that was quite erotic, though. During the foreplay, our host stands behind Halli Aston and holds her close. Naturally, his dick is poking between her legs. Gwen gets on her knees and then alternates licking out the other lady and sucking him off. I found this very sexy, personally. I’d love to try it, but I need volunteers…

Day breaks over the countryside like a folding chair under the weight of Rush Limbaugh, and we find our hero (Julian, remember) and one of the ladies that populate this film like seagulls at a landfill. I think he’s working in the garden with “Susan” (Phylissa Ann). Well, she’s working. He’s staring at her ass. Our hero makes his move and offers sex. Good choice. My compliments on Phylissa’s blowjob technique! She does a good job on Julian’s admittedly large tool. The camera work for this scene is frustrating, if not downright schizophrenic. Several times the camera has a great shot with 90% of both actors’ bodies in the frame… it looks great… and then the camera zooms in to vagicam mode and all you see is Tab A going into Slot B. In fact, the only thing I can really remember about this scene is that apparently Julian was a little tired that day, because the pop shot is edited so that you can see he was sitting on a bench, stroking away until he was ready. The image does a fade in, and he’s sitting on a park bench stroking away. He then stands up, moves over to Phylissa and then shoots on her ass. I know it’s a hard life, but can’t the film editor cut things a little closer? I mean, this completely ruined any suspension of disbelief that I had.

It’s a beautiful day in the garden. Every day when you get laid is a beautiful day. Julian and his new conqu… er, partner are taking a walk while Franco (Herschel Savage again) is grabbing some other chick’s ass (Raquel Divine, I think) on the other side of the meadow. I hate to interrupt the review, but once again I am extremely confused by the editing in this movie. Who is this chick? Why is she sleeping with the master of the house? Where did she come from? All I know is that the camera pans over, and she’s latched on to him closer than the shirt he’s wearing. Through modern internet research techniques and interpolated digital signal processing, I have come to the conclusion that the woman is Raquel Devine (actually, she’s the last girl left in the credits who hasn’t been fucked yet). Anyhow, back to the sex… Actually, these two show a lot of energy. Once they move indoors, things calm down a bit, but outside, they’re all over each other. She’s a screamer, though. She definitely has a set of lungs on her. She has to, to support the fake tits that have infected her chest.

Ah, and now for the finale. Our hero, John and all three of the ladies (Gwen, Halli and Devon) get busy in a field. There is something definitely kinky about being crammed into a dress and being chased by buxom women. The ladies begin the festivities by catching him, holding him down, and slathering his lips with lipstick. Of course, he protests mightily until one of them distracts him by sucking on his dick. I don’t blame him. You could make me look like Gene Simmons right before a KISS concert if you distracted me like that! Sure, I might notice… but I doubt if I’d care! Anyhow, with three women to amuse him, John makes sure to sample all of them. This scene was done quite well. They definitely saved the best for last. I won’t go into too many details, but just about everything looked good in this scene. If I had one complaint, it would be that there are zero penetration shots, and you never see them switch positions. All of a sudden, he’s got somebody else on the end of his dick. There are some really good images in this scene. Thankfully, the cameraman realized that every now and then, you’re going to want to see all four of the people involved here. It is, after all, an orgy. Without seeing everyone involved, it’s hardly different than any other scene. This one gets good marks for images that stick in your mind, but it gets lousy marks for sound matching up to the action. Most of the time, you can’t tell whose moaning what.

Overall, the sex was pretty fair. The first and the last scenes are my favorites, with everything in between pretty decent.

The Audio / Image: The audio is not this disc’s strong suit. The background music, while nicely selected to blend into the background, is cranked up too high. Not high enough to drive your ears into your skull, but high enough that hearing the actors is difficult, if not impossible. The actual music is a good electric guitar and percussion set. Standard 2.0 stereo mix with absolutely nothing special to it. Well, except that you can hear the sounds of airplane and a generator in the background every now and then. :-)

The image is typical of Vivid’s Dark Period, when extras came at the cost of image quality. There are few flecks or scratches, but there is a persistent grain to the image that is just everywhere. Lighting is typical porno lighting, which means every scene is lit up like an operating room. Color balance is pretty good, especially the outdoors shots of the garden. Alas, flesh tones (and there is a lot of flesh in these films) look natural for only some of the time. The image seems to cycle between pretty good and slightly purple. Weird.

As a final note, the editing to this movie is terrible. The image jumps around suddenly in the middle of a scene, the sound cuts are awful, and Vivid has once again thrown their version of multiple angles on this disc. If you’ve ever watched one of Vivid’s multi-angles, you’ll know that this means that the audio and the image are never going to match up right. Hmm… how should I put this gently? Whomever edited this movie should be hitched to the back of a dune buggy and taken for a drag around the outskirts of Seattle, paying particular attention to the path taken through the slug farms. If they survive, they can lick themselves clean like a cat.

The Extras: Typical Vivid crop of extras that they loaded onto every disc during this period. You get previews, bios of girls whom you never see, scene selection, internet link, blah blah blah. Flip the disc over and you have to navigate through the dungeon VR that Vivid seems so enamored of. Navigate successfully and you’re treated to a bonus 2 minutes of sex from another Vivid title. Two of the titles have been labeled, god knows where the other scenes came from. There is also a "Bonus" section that features more sex from other Vivid titles, without bothering to tell you where they came from, who's sliding into whom, or why. Hell, one scene had a guy banging a woman while he was wearing water wings. I kind of notice details like that, and I'd like to know what the fuck he was thinking. Is he afraid he's going to fall in?

The Good: The sex isn’t too bad, the women look good and the outdoor settings are quite nice.

The Bad: The story has been hacked up into little pieces by a caffeine addict with a chainsaw and then reassembled by a blind Tibetan monk who doesn’t speak Earthling. The image is fair at best and the extra content is the usual crop of crap.

Overall: Forget it. It won’t make sense after the hatchet job, and the sex isn’t worth the frustration of wondering who should have been fired for this.