Double Feature! Review

Reviewed by Darkmage  on  10/31/2000

What do you get when you mix Godzilla with Bodzilla ? How about Frankenstein with FrankenHooker? Attack of the Killer Tomatoes with Assault of the Killer Bimbos? If you are really really lucky, you get something close to Double Feature!, Jonathan Morgan's masterpiece of campy horror, alien invaders and well-endowed monsters (If you are unlucky, you get crap starring Matthew Broderick and a CGI lizard).

The Plot: Oh, how I love porn with a plot! Stupid plot, dumb plot, fun plot, I don't care. Just give me something that shows that our intrepid cast members have more talent than an inflatable doll. Stupid plot, dumb plot, fun plot, Double Feature! gives you all that and more. You see, there is a reason it is called Double Feature! as in there are no less than two separate (kind of) movies on this disc. They are back-to-back just like those wonderful double features that we used to watch at the drive-in (well, only us old folks used to do this).

But even before we start the first movie, we get to see the trailers for no less than three fake movies staring Rip Rockwell (Randy Spears) and Susie Cheesecake (Serenity). These trailers are aptly named Gangbang Zombies, Death Rides a Rubber Horse and Attack of the Twelve- Story Dildos!

Oh god, these are hilarious! Imagine a group of ten guys dressed up in zombie makeup wandering around mumbling "Gang bang! Gaaaaaang bang!" and chasing after wimpy starlets who trip at inappropriate times. I tried really hard to keep my ass in my chair and not fall out of it from laughing and I failed miserably! The second trailer is a wonderful send-up of the bad detective movies from ages gone by. It's all here: the dramatic lighting, the overacting, the bad clichés, the dead blow-up dolls... All it really needs is the sexy secretary who's only job is to fetch coffee and provide crucial evidence at the right moment. Our last trailer shows Rip Rockwell having a lovely picnic in the park... until the looming thunder of the approaching monster destroys the sanctity of this American dream and we see the approach over the hill of the Twelve Story Dildo!

Help! Can't breathe!... laughing... too... hard... Urk! [THUMP!]

Okay, enough of the trailers. How about the movie? Our first feature is Attack of the Bimbos from Outer Space, a riotous send-up of the alien invasion movies of the 50's. Everything you remember about those terrible movies is here. The bad special effects. The terrible lines. The cheesy pseudo- futuristic clothing. The button on the control panel that operates every system on the spacecraft. The deep blowjobs. Okay, maybe not the deep blowjobs. But think how much better your favorite disaster movie would have been in XXX? "Run! Run! It's Blowzilla!!"

Check it out: These aliens in tight clothes with tight pussies beam down to our planet and make zombies out of our men by screwing them silly. Sound familiar? In the meantime, two of our nation's best scientists are feverishly working out some way to stop the invaders from the planet Poon-tang. We see the aliens start their invasion in farm country by subverting two sheep-shagging hicks and work their way up to the Chief of the Armed Forces, General Slowmo (Hershel Savage). Their boss, seeing an opportunity to make money, wants to ransom the United States for the weapon. Our heroes create a serum that will make any man's sperm radioactive. Trent (Randy Spears) valiantly volunteers to be the test subject and swallows the serum. Considering the fact that he's going to have to spray every one of the aliens with radioactive sperm, I can see why he volunteered!

So, if he has to get a boner to save the planet, does he get hardship pay?

The second feature for this evening's entertainment is a bit more realistic version of Frankenstein. We all know that if you're going to create a person, you're not creating them to lumber around and scare the children. You're building that person to fuck. Sex drives invention. This is why Al Gore created the Internet: Porn for the masses!

Anyhow, our heroine decides after a particularly bad session of "Hide the Chalupa" that she just can't get a man that will satisfy her appetite. Even after recounting her one disastrous affair with a woman, she decides that she is just going to have to roll her own to get some satisfaction. Set on her course, she builds a creature! Funny, this creature looks exactly like Randy Spears in a screaming blue tuxedo... Hey, if a porn star can't satisfy her wants, what can you do? Well, I guess you could do that, but I don't think they make an adapter to attach a dildo to a small block Chevy.

Alas, the creature escapes (after banging the lab assistant) and wanders the countryside, molesting the farm girls as he passes them in the night. The townsfolk are up in arms (and up in skirts) over the creature and they finally corner him in a field. Just as the creature is about to be set on fire, his creator steps in and unties him. Stating that he is just a poor, misunderstood creature with heart of gold (not to mention a hard on of steel) he should be allowed to perform his primary function before being set ablaze. Take a wild guess what this means!

Actually, you guessed wrong. But to find out, you'll have to watch the movie! Don't even try to keep a straight face, because after this movie has teased you, tickled you, screwed you, slurped you and generally made you collapse... you get bloopers!

The Cast: The real star of the show here is Randy Spears. Yes, dear reader, this is an almost unknown thing in pornokind: A review where I start off talking about the male talent. Randy is one of the best, if not the best actor in the adult industry today. He does a fantastic job here. His performance is over-the-top, rock solid and completely hilarious. This is, in my not-so-humble-opinion, the best performance I have ever seen him in. It helps that the rest of the cast is good, but Randy is the star of the show and he steals any scene he is in. He also is an excellent performer during sex scenes, managing to never slip out of character or look bored. Watching him as the monster in the second feature will leave you howling!

Randy is backed up by some good talent, most notably Hershel Savage. He only shows up for one scene in the second feature, but he puts out an amazing performance as General Slowmo. This is made even more amazing when you realize that he ad-libbed his entire part. Anthony Crane is another notable here, even though he doesn't have a sex scene. He does play something close to ten roles in Double Feature! and every one of them is hilarious. (Okay, maybe not the usher role, but after that, he gets warmed up) There are some other notable names, namely Mickey G and Ian Daniels.

On the female side of the equation is a similarly talented Serenity, who could be considered your typical blonde porn actress until you see her in action. Serenity has a passion in her sexual performances that is sadly lacking in many performers. Her acting is just as hilarious as the rest of the cast and she does get some of the best lines in the film. There are two parts I really like about her: 1) She's a flexible little thing, and I'm a sucker for anyone who can get their legs up like that, and 2) She moves when she fucks. Motion of the ocean, folks, it's what really makes it work.

The other ladies who are here to tickle your fancy are the ever-lovely Jewel Dé Nyle (complete with super space alien trash talk), Shannon McCullough, Stephanie Swift and Sana Fey. There are a couple of ladies I haven't seen before, namely Kary Evers and Ursula. I don't know what else Ursula has been in, but she looks like she could go far. It probably helps that her part is relatively simple to play, but you can't deny that she has one hell of a body.

They may not be the biggest names in porn, but you are going to be cumming too hard to care. Or laughing too hard. Or both.

The Sex: The hardest part about reviewing Double Feature! is somehow bringing to a halt my fits of laughter to sit down and enjoy the sex. Having picked myself up off the floor where I fell out of my chair, I can proceed with business. For those who care about such things, condoms are used in every scene. They're not really obvious, but they're present.

Mulder and Scully would be proud! We start Attack of the Bimbos from Outer Space just before the aliens land in a flying saucer that is reminiscent of the ship from The Puppet Masters (good book, mild movie). Thankfully, the aliens look much better in this movie than they did in the Heinlein story. Our first serving of the day is a happy little orgy between Shannon McCullough, Kary Evers, Mickey G and Ian Daniels, the peanut farmers. These guys look like they spend most of their time sniffing glue, but when the aliens appear, it isn't their eyes that are bugging out. The four people start to screw around some hay bales. It starts off with that wonderful fast-motion that makes everyone move like a ferret on amphetamines, but it quickly settles back into normal speed. All in all, this wasn't a particularly good scene. Both ladies seem to be along for the ride, although Shannon starts to move a bit when she switches holes. This scene has some wonderful moments, namely Shannon getting anally reamed by Ian Daniels, Kary getting a good pelvis bump from behind, and Shannon smoking a cigarette. Huh? Smoking? Trust me, it will bring a smile to your face.

Now that the aliens are among us, we cut to the lowly lab assistant Trent (Randy Spears) and the scientist Judy (Serenity). They are having an affair together and hiding it from Trent's boss (Anthony Crane). Thankfully, they are not hiding it from you! After some truly hilarious dialogue about the terrible situation, Trent and Judy have sex on the examining table. Break out the beer, 'cuz this scene is a good one! Randy's always a good performer, but I am very impressed with Serenity! She gives excellent and very active blowjobs. Most women just bob their head up and down, but Serenity's whole upper torso gets into the action here. When she's on the receiving end of the traditional tongue torture, she's right there, writhing like a smoke trail from an incense stick. These two work really well together and it shows from the second the letterbox bars fade away and the color flows into the picture. Serenity's most apropos phrase for this scene is "good chemistry". Couldn't have said it better myself.

Now that the aliens are among us, they proceed to expand their army. Relentlessly fighting the forces of good and decency (that's earthlings, remember), the aliens finally work their way up the chain of command to General Slowmo. The leader of the alien invasion, Clitora (Jewel Dé Nyle) proceeds to turn General Slowmo (Hershel Savage) into her sex slave! What can I say? This scene is 50% awesome and 50% pretty good. Hershel is the "pretty good" part, but he cannot hold a candle to sexual energy, predatory beauty and screamingly funny Jewel. Hey, Hershel is a good actor, but Jewel's trash mouth just steals this scene away from him like she was in congress. First, she gives a totally awesome looking blowjob. Lots of eye contact, lots of deep slurping. Second, she lies on the couch and let's Hershel work his magic on her missionary-style. That's all well and good, but nothing will prepare you for the "Fuck my intergalactic pussy!" that comes streaming from her mouth. It really gets good when she hops on top for some cowgirl action. She looks damn good, and you can see Hershel trying really really hard not to let loose and cum hard enough to hit the back of her throat. This scene is great, and it is all thanks to Jewel and her intergalactic pussy.

But wait! The scientists! They have to save us! They know what they're doing, they can come up with a quark ray, or a translocation harmonic oscillator, or a hypersonic dilithium thingamabob or something! They must save our species! All hope is lost when the chief scientist is made a slave by Clitora and the secret countermeasure is gone forever. But that's okay, because there is yet another cliché that must be included in every "aliens invade" movie: The Catalyst Phrase. Yes, it's that simple combination of words that inspire genius scientists to create the proper weapon in the war against the baddies. But instead of "I don't want you to catch cold." it is "What a bunch of cum-guzzling freaks." ID4, eat your heart out! The key phrase uttered, the serum created and the experimental weapon in place, Trent valiantly sacrifices his body to end the alien invasion once and for all. Trent (Randy Spears) take on the three aliens (Jewel Dé Nyle, Shannon McCullough and Kary Evers) at once. Oh, the sacrifices we must make to save the planet! This scene rocks! Randy gets sucked, fucked, licked, nibbled, ridden and received by all three girls at some point. Jewel does yet another fantastic job, and Kary shows that her forte is deep, deep blowjobs. The pacing for this scene is excellent, as Randy doesn't stay in one position for too long and there is always a finger or something poking into a hole for you to feast your eyes on. There is no pop shot, since this was too vital to the plot to shoot normally. That's okay, I'm sure you won't mind. Excellent scene!

Well, that's it for Attack of the Bimbos from Outer Space!, let's get going on The Man Made Beast. You know, there was an awful lot of plot before the sex in that last movie... well, at least somebody thought so, because Dr. Shelley (Serenity) takes about all of thirty seconds to call for her zesty Latin Lover (Mickey G) and buries his face in her crotch. Once again, we get to watch Serenity twist, turn, twitch and tweak to the tune of the talented tongue on her twat. After a quick blowjob (again showing her impressive talents in the oral department) and some doggie style, she settles down to some reverse cowgirl. The first penetration when she sits on the dick is damn hot! But wait! It gets better! Serenity shows you exactly what all that time at the gym has done for her. Ever seen a cheerleader stand on one leg and grab their ankle? Every look at that wide expanse of open legs and wish you were there? Ask Mickey G., because he does just that. I hereby dub this the Cheerleader Position, and it looks fucking awesome! Pun intended.

Unfortunately for Serenity, her adventures south of her borders weren't enough to satisfy her raging sexual appetite ("You already came and I didn't cum yet! What use are you?"). Guys not doing it for you? Egor wonders if the boss has tried a different flavor in order to keep the old libido in check. Different flavor? GIRLS, silly! Doc tells the tale of the one time she experimented with a woman. First, I must commend her on her choice, because Stephanie Swift gets to do the honors in the middle of a field. What can I say? This scene is pretty good, from the sheer talent that has been thrown onto a blanket and told to go to town, I would expect nothing less. Stephanie is a gorgeous brunette and the two really create a gentle but highly erotic couple. Good girl on girl scene, but nothing beyond two good performers giving good performances.

Well, the monster is awake now! The one who gets the honor of the first test drive is Egor (Sana Fey), the mad scientist's hunchback assistant. Actually, Egor is a female in this movie. Does that make her an Egrette? Anyhow, fucking with the boss's love toy is definitely a mistake she's going to Egrette for a long time...

Sorry, couldn't help myself.

Anyhow, Egrette works some impressive oral magic on the monster and brings him to full life. You know the Egrette is going to fuck like a monster. After all, she knows all about humps. The blowjob is full of energy and it looks good, despite the hump on her shoulder. Randy, bless his heart, stays in character the entire time, spouting off such wonderful lines like "Aaaah!" and "Aaaaaarrrrh!" Egrette eventually gets on the ramming end of the monster, both doggie style and anally. These two work pretty well together, and Randy is just pounding away like mad. He doesn't let up for a second and it obviously is driving Sana nuts. We do find out what happened to the hump on Egrette's back: They apparently moved to the front and took up residence on her chest. She has a set of chest cannons that are absurd. Too bad, really. Anyhow, the scene is pretty good, with good chemistry and the same laboratory setting from the previous film (Same set! Different lights! Cheap movie!). Good, solid performance by all involved.

Beware the Monster! The monster is loose! Be afraid! Lock up your daughters! Hide the sheep! The monster has come across the lovely farm girl (Ursula) and proceeds to seduce her. Apparently, being the monster has several advantages. One, you can entice innocence with a simple "boink boink" motion of the crotch. Two, you can woo her with sweet phrases like "Aaaaarh!". And three, you can summon a blanket from nowhere to have sex on. I tell you, this scene is a strange combination of hilarious and amazingly erotic at the same time. Ursula is a very pretty lady and she can throw out an innocence that is effective, even when she's getting a big dick in her ass in a position that would make a gymnast wince. Randy stays in character for the whole scene, and he is even more over the top than the last scene. There are several really good images that this scene throws your way. Not only are these images great to look at, watching Randy play the monster adds just that much more fun to the whole scene. Ursula looks extremely good riding in a reverse cowgirl on Randy's monstrous pole (snicker) and she makes these cute little mewing sounds that go really well with her character. Considering she doesn't speak much English and the monster doesn't speak any, it is a match made in... Well, it was apparently made in the woods. The ending is especially impressive, because she gets a good load on her tongue and you never see it again.

Pretty good sex, all around. Nothing to make you scream in pain, but plenty to make you howl with laughter.

The Image/Audio: Somebody had a lot of fun in this movie. Too often you see a movie where shot composition and the soundtrack has suffered in the rush to get the sex down on film. For example, The Watcher #3 and Video Virgins Gold #2 respectively (although to be fair, these were never intended to be big productions). Occasionally, you will see a movie where the images on the screen and the sound from the speakers show art, inspiration and talent. With these films, the image and the music serve to enhance the experience beyond the natural appeal of tight bodies fucking themselves to exhaustion. These are products of true filmmakers, such as the ones behind DMJ6, House of Dreams and Conquest. Excellent movies where the image and the sound make the film just that much better.

But once in a while, you get a filmmaker who will use the image and the sound as a member of the cast. An active thing that will deliver a performance unto you, the happy viewer. It has a personality, it has dialogue and most importantly, it has a sense of humor!

Jonathan Morgan mentions some of his reasoning behind the music and the visuals on the commentary track. It certainly paid off, as this movie beat out my personal favorite, DMJ6, for that year's AVN award for video editing. The soundtrack is particularly good and matches the action on screen perfectly. This is not background music that likes to sit in the background. It usually walks up to the action on the screen and gives it a little push.

In general, the entire movie is shot in black and white and letterboxed at 1.85:1.

Okay, I'll wait while you recover from the shock. I'm serious! This movie is in black & white! This is the perfect touch to give it that campy, older-than-dirt feel that sets the mood perfectly... Right up to the point where the sex starts. At that point, the color fades in and the image returns to 1.33:1 (standard television ratio for those who are wondering). Combine that with how the music will rise to a crescendo in time with the plot and then give way to rock & roll as soon as clothes start flying off and you will see why I consider the image & audio to play a part in the movie.

It doesn't hurt that the audio level is perfectly balanced, dialogue is clear, music is mostly unobtrusive (except when it needs to be otherwise) and the image is good when it needs to be. Note that the black & white portions are deliberately soft and the stock footage of aliens and castles and such have threads and specks galore. The sex video quality is pretty good, but a little on the soft side. All together, it just helps make the movie that much better. This is a work of art.

The Extras: The best feature on this disc is a full-length commentary track by director Jonathan Morgan and the lead actress Serenity. They work fairly well together and Jonathan is very happy to talk about some of the nifty things that happen behind the scenes. His enthusiasm for his work is obvious, and he tries to keep the flow of information going by asking pointed questions to his partner in crime, Serenity. Serenity is no slouch on this commentary track, either. She is more than happy to tell you all about how it is working on this movie, what she likes, how much fun she had, etc. The best part is that she finds the movie hilarious and cackles at some particularly good parts. Compared to other commentary tracks, it doesn't contain as many technical details as the track on Flashpoint, nor do they have quite the rapport that Tina Tyler and Stacy Valentine had on DMJ6. It is a nice blend of behind-the-scenes trivia, sexual details, anecdotes and humor. It is definitely worth listening to and I highly recommend it.

The bios are also excellent, showing only minimal information on the screen and a voice-over provides the details. It also includes a jump-to-the-scene feature that has an amusing label over it. High quality work here.

Chapter selection, photo gallery, trailers for four of Wicked Pictures other big-budget productions and a link to the web site. Also included is a very well done montage of the AVN Awards containing the relevant Double Feature! awards. It lasts a good 12 minutes or so and it is much better done than Vivid's method. It includes the list of the competition, the revelation of the winner and the acceptance speeches given by Jonathan Morgan, Serenity, Randy Spears, etc. There were a LOT of awards.

The Good: Plot, humor, excellent performances, good sex, black & white, letterboxed, original audio/visual monkey business and a buttload of extra features.

The Bad: If you know anything bad about this film, let me know because I can't find it.

Overall: It is movies like this that restore my faith in pornokind and makes me proud to be an American.