Rock Hard (Cal Vista) Review

Rock Hard (Cal Vista, 1985/2009)

Directed by Bob Vosse

Plot Overview: The Sextelettes, comprised of lead singer Adonna (Taija Rae), Cindi Looper (Nina Hartley), and Ultra Box (Patti Cakes), are trying to get “airplay” for their new music video “Hotter Than Hot.” The girls must use their sexual talents to fuck their way to the top.

Scene 1: Taija Rae and Jerry Butler

The film opens with some footage from “Hotter Than Hot,” a song I can honestly say I like, and hum it to myself often. Taija, as Adonna, is waking up in bed next to lover/manager Phil (Butler). After some stretching and rolling around, they decide they have time to get busy before Taija goes to her meeting with the rest of the band at the radio station. Taija is genuinely worried – remembering her commitment halfway through sex - but Jerry convinces her, and they get down to business.

This scene might not be suited to everyone’s tastes – they cut back and forth several times between Taija and Jerry, and the radio station where Ultra Box and Cindi are flirting with Billy Dee, and listening to their awesome song. The edits didn’t bother me too much; what really got to me was the distance between me and the couple – the director uses a long shot for quite some time before zooming in, and then the sex doesn’t feel too hot once it gets going. What definitely is hot is the post-coitus wisecracks and giggling – after the cum shot, Jerry jokes, “It’s not a microphone,” and Taija’s laughter feels really natural. The couple continue joking around, and it all feels very pleasant.

Scene 2: Nina Hartley, Patti Cakes, and Billy Dee

Back at the radio station, Billy DJ and the girls strike a deal, and Billy pulls out “that mattress” that Nina apparently remembers. I must admit, I uttered an audible “Ugh!” when they pulled out the mattress from under Billy’s desk. If you can get over the idea that they’re fucking on what (according to the plot) must be an old and fluid-stained crash pad, then this scene is not so bad. Nina Hartley is the stand-out performer here, with a super-tight, muscular body, and enthusiasm to match. Patti Cakes doesn’t fare as well, but maybe she’s just not my type. This scene is playful and fun, ending in a pop shot on Ultra Box’s pubes. Viewers should note that this scene, like the first, cuts back and forth between the sex and another scene of dialogue between Taija and Jerry.

Scene 3: Taija Rae, Mai Lin, Eric Edwards, and Francois Papillon

Having secured Billy Dee’s favor, Taija is set up with Super Sales (Eric Edwards) and his colleagues, Mai Lin and Francois Papillon, for a meeting. They’re certainly interested in her video, but they want to be sure her body looks just right – in other words, is she “hotter than hot?” Needless to say, they discover she is, via an orgy on the meeting room floor.

Eric Edwards does a great acting job here, and Mai Lin is as enthusiastic and charismatic as ever. Taija does a decent job, too, and there are some pretty funny lines that feel ad-libbed, particularly when Eric, baffled by Taija’s personality, asks, “You’re not on anything are you? You’re like this all the time?”

Scene 4: Nina Hartley and Lily Marlene

Eric hooks the girls up with “the right people” after Taija’s performance, and so Nina shows up at Joan Dominatrix’s (Lily Marlene) office. Lily is dressed in a provocatively revealing suit, when Nina enters in a pretty bangin’ outfit. After some chit-chat, and a quick listen to their song, the ladies start talking like they’re in a film-noir, sizing each other up. Nina tells Lily, “I like your style, Joan, you don’t show too much,” and so the power=play begins, with Nina playing by “Joan’s” rules as her slave to her mistress. The dynamic between Nina and Lily is fun and hot, and the “mistress” talk continues throughout cunnilingus and a 69.

Scene 5: Patti Cakes and Scorpio

Well folks, this scene alone is probably worth the price of the DVD. If anyone has seen Bat Pussy, well, this might just be a homage to it. Patti wants that elusive “airtime” and apparently Harvey Wilson is the bigwig that’s gonna give it to her. Patti announces, “I’ll do any fucking thing to get this video played” in a southern-sounding accent, which apparently really turns on Scorpio due to the excessive cursing. Once he tells her he likes it when she talks dirty, the lid is off, and Patti delivers a string of amazing lines. Here is a sample:

“I’ll stick my butt right in your face.”

“I’d do anything, I’d shit all over you….stick you right up my butt.”

“I’ll cum all over your fucking executive necktie, you asshole.”

[during some butt licking] “Is it going up your butt, like a snuggy?” [ok, I have no idea what she says here, but it sounds like “snuggy”]

“I’m gonna bite your cock off.”

[after receiving a pop shot on her butt] “I want you to eat my cum off my ass!” Scorpio then proceeds to do just that, and with gusto – awesome!

Scene 6: Taija Rae, Nina Hartley, Patti Cakes, and Ron Jeremy

Having secured a meeting with the top dog, Teddy Turner (Ron Jeremy), thanks to Patti’s amazing vocal skills, the girls regroup and form a plan of action. They plan to “blow him away” with a live version of “Hotter Than Hot.” Arriving in Ron’s office, they announce their intentions, and after putting on their tape they dance around, on the table, pawing at Ron. After the song ends, they start undressing Ron – “Ooh! I love hair!” – lay him prone on his desk, and get to work on a BJ (skillfully done by all three women at once), and eventually a three-way with a particularly vocal performance from Nina. After a pop shot, the band quiz Ron about that godforsaken “airplay,” Ron gets right on the phone to organize it, and the girls rejoice – “We did it!” You go girls.

Final Thoughts: This movie was fun-spirited and in spite of some drawbacks – a couple of average sex scenes, lackluster narrative, and only one song played over and over again – it’s hard not to like Rock Hard mostly due to a couple of memorably bizarre moments, fun and natural performances, and a kick-ass song (even if they did play it six times). Recommended for people who enjoy ye olde curiosities, and Nina Hartley aficionados.