Private: Best Of The Best 1997-2002 Review

Reviewed by Tongue in Groove  on  5/10/2004

Does anyone is Europe have sex in a bed with only one other person? Based on “Best of the Best, 1997-2002,” the answer is “no.” This “greatest hits” package from Private reveals that most Euros only screw outdoors and with more than one partner – preferably four or five.

This is a compilation of compilations. There are six discs in the pack, each titled as though they were sold separately at one time: “Do It,” “Solid Gold,” “Millennium,” Private Odyssey,” Sex Non-Stop,” and “Private 24-Karat.” Each disc features around a dozen scenes, with “Millennium” offering 24, although calling some of the sex romps “scenes” is stretching the definition of that word. Basically, it is a non-stop advertisement for Private, a three-hour promotion interrupted occasionally by sex.

For the uninitiated, Private is the monster porn producer from across the Pond. The company markets its movies under a variety of names, including Gaia, Pirate, and Odyssey. They also produce a top-selling line of magazines.

And what, exactly, makes Private so popular? Beats me! Granted, they usually employ some of the most beautiful women in porn history getting fucked wildly (often in the ass prior to taking a facial). The women typically have few body flaws (fat pigs need not apply), unsightly tattoos, and no aversion to hard poundings.

The settings are almost always unique, often tropical paradises or scenic mountaintops.
There are plenty of period costumes and fetish scenarios. The camera work is solid and the sets are usually well lighted (of course, most of the scenes take place outside). And the menus are top of the line, with plenty of extras and animation.

So what’s not to like? Well, for starters, the directors (Pierre Woodman, Frank Thring and Kovi seem to be the only directors Private employs) insist that the girls stare at the camera and moan incessantly (and not convincingly, I might add) throughout their scenes. The guys talk and moan ad nauseam. The English dubbing of any dialogue (and there seems to be lot of that!) is sophomoric, at best. The warm-up blowjobs are often cut short. There is an overabundance of editing crap: slow-motion popshots, intercut black & white snippets, MTV-style jumps.

I hate that nearly every tryst must take place outdoors, or in a setting that is not, by any stretch of the imagination, conducive to an erotic coupling. Here’s a cute couple walking on the beach, getting friendly, and where do they decide to bump uglies? On an uncomfortable coral reef in three feet of water with waves breaking on their backs! Hey, it’s 23 degrees below, but I think I’ll fuck my girlfriend right here on this snow-covered hillside. This compilation included 83 scenes, and fewer than ten took place in a bed or on a couch.

My biggest complaint with Private, however, is that they insist on making every scene a mini-orgy. A scenario that starts out with a guy and a chick making out on a beach will inevitably evolve into a 3-on-1 or 3-2 scene. This comp featured only about ten boy-girl only scenes. Private obviously believes “the more the merrier.” Personally, I cannot concentrate on the eroticism when there are nine naked bodies on the screen. Private also does a piss-poor job of identifying the performers.

If you can overlook these irritations, you will be treated to Silvia Saint, Nikki Anderson, Tania Russof, Dora Venter, Jodie Moore, Lynn Stone, Monique Covet, Monika Sweetheart, Katja Kean, Laura Angel, Lea DeMae, Petra Short and Gabriella Bond among the outstanding actresses. Absolutely stunning women adorn just about every scene. And this is no Vivid action! Hard-pounding sex, anal intrusions, A2M, gaping, mild cock-choking and strangling, facials – this one has it all! Few, if any, condoms are used.

There you have it – 83 scenes, nearly 17 hours, beautiful people fucking in beautiful places! But you’ve been warned about the negatives. Buyer beware!