Position Impossible Review

Reviewed by Joe Shaver  on  3/31/2003

There was a terrible old joke I heard in high school: “Why does a dog lick his balls?” Answer: “Because he can”. I guess something similar could be said about the guys in this film about sucking their own dicks. I guess we’ve all tried it at one time or another. Most of us don’t succeed. When I was in high school auto-fellatio to me was getting a blowjob in a car.

This DVD begins with Chad Donovan in a sling. Someone releases him and he goes and sits in a swing, leans over and licks the head of his dick. Sometimes he manages to get the head passed his lips, but its mainly just licking. Chad has an unfair advantage because he has a very big dick and he doesn’t ‘t have to bend over very far to get it. After much too long a time, he wends his way back to the sling where he continues licking the glans in an inverted position, eventually dropping a load into his mouth. The lighting in this scene is really bad and much of the activity is hidden in dark shadows. What did they think they were making? Film noir?

Next up we have someone in a cage. (It looks in the cast section that this is Dave Davison, but that is really undependable as Chad Donovan’s pic is used to identify three people.) He cheats a bit by using a penis pump. Once again we have the action obscured by shadows as the cage’s pattern obscures part of the action. He attacks—literally attacks his penis, pulling up his legs to raise his bum. It’s like watching a monkey in a cage. He, too, cums in his mouth.

Now we come to someone who may or may not be named Frank. He is sitting on a staircase pulling his peter as though he might add several inches to it if he can only get it to stretch a bit. He leans over and manages to lick it then jacks it off. Afterward he leans over and licks the residue off his dick. To be frank, this is the least interesting of the “auto-fellationers”. And again the action goes on much too long. I mean they can only repeat the same action over and over. Once you’ve seen a guy suck his cock, it’s not very interesting to see him keep doing it for the twenty-seventh time.

Things change for the final scene. We are in a dungeon and we see a guy hanging by chains from the ceiling encased in bands of steel. Another is confined to a dog cage. The "master" is seated in a chair. To begin the action he goes and lets the “dog” out of the cage. This slave rushes to a swinging bar, does some gymnastics on it during which he licks his balls. (Hey, it’s just like the dog in the joke.) He then lies on the ground where he will not only suck his own dick but also suck on his master’s balls. And what balls! (I once read an account of some guy who made plastic replicas of a bull’s gonads, had his own removed and inserted the bull’s replicas into his ball sac. They must have looked something like this.) The master then licks his own monstrous balls and puts the dog back in the cage. The hanging guy is now released from his confinement. A tattooed assistant appears and gets the dog back out. There’s a rather disorganized melee in which the assistant reveals himself to be a member of the Suck Your Own Academy. And the master tries to stuff his baseball-sized balls in a guy’s ass. He succeeds. (Wouldn’t this be painful for his balls? Maybe they are plastic.) I was glad when they all came so that I could pick another DVD that would enable me to cum, too.

This one didn’t do anything for me and I was horny as hell when I put it on.. Self-sucking is something that gives spice to a scene, but is boring if that’s all there is. It’s like eating a hot dog without the bun or the wiener—just the mustard. And it certainly doesn’t help when this director—gay porn’s answer to Ed Wood, as I’ve called him elsewhere—is behind the camera.