Opening of Misty Beethoven, The (VCA) Review

Reviewed by xengren  on  1/23/2004

What do you get when you mix Metzer, a classic play, two very hot actors, and a relatively big budget? You get the best porno movie ever made. Unfortunately, that's not saying very much since most porn movies are extremely bad and being the best of the worst isn't exactly a very good accomplishment. The largest problem with this movie is that the plot was razor thin and extremely fragmented. The flow of the story was continuously interrupted by needless scenes of blowjobs. (Way too many blowjobs in my opinion. Metzer is way too obsessed with blowjobs. The ratio of blowjobs to vaginal sex was something like 10 to 1.) He also liked to add in ridiculous dialogue to the ends of good scenes. I suppose his intention was to break the tension of sexual arousal with some comedy. (Mainstream movies do this all the time like when they add a comedy bit to an action sequence.) This device did not work for this movie because it ended up coming across as being stupid rather than funny which is funny since the play that this movie is based on is actually funny all the way through. Metzer had a lot of material to work with since Pygmalion is an excellent play on it's own. He didn't have to improve it much, all he had to do was add some eroticism to it. He failed to deliver. If it weren't for the screen presence of Jamie Gillis and Constance Money, he would have no movie at all. Jamie Gillis was the only actor to give a solid performance. He fit his role quite well and most importantly he fit his role naturally. I'm surprised he didn't crossover to become a mainstream actor. Constance Money was also very natural in her facial expressions and perceived personality. Sometimes she would be a little rough in delivering her lines, but we can forgive her because she's gorgeous to look at to the point that she can almost take your breath away. The same goes for Terry Hall. They are the only two women in the movie that really stand out. It's a shame that there's no timewarp machine because I would really love to take a few thousand dollars back to the 70's and make pornos with these two women. (Jamie Gillis says that they got paid something like $200 a day back then.) I would especially like to remake the bathroom sex scene with Constance. This is easily my favorite scene in this movie. Constance has sex with a man in bathroom stall and then right after he does his deed, she faces the camera with this beaming sweet smile. You can't fake that kind of pleasure. All in all, this is not the best erotic movie of all time, but it certainly is the best porno of all time.