NOT Traci Lords XXX: '80s Superstars Reborn Review

Reviewed by fu_q  on  10/29/2017

**Note – This review is based upon the web version of the film streaming on the AdultEmpire.com Unlimited service. As such, any bonuses haven’t been given a rating, and there could be some discrepancies between this version and other releases.**

Review:
Porn has finally come full circle and, with apparently little else to parody, has now opted to parody itself. Of course, the result is decidedly awful (...shocking...). Such is the case in "NOT Traci Lords XXX: '80s Superstars Reborn", a subpar, 2016 release from X-Play and Will Ryder that focuses on the (underage) Traci Lords scandal and its general time-frame. While this film does make an attempt at the laudable goal of recounting some of the history of the industry (which is far better done by sites like the RialtoReport.com, by the way), it does so in such a way as to make a mockery (and not in a clever or a funny way) of the era...whether intentional or not. Indeed, if one's going to do something like this--particularly with plenty of the original participants, viewers, etc. still alive to see it--one should at least do it right. Otherwise, the result will look like a cheap attempt at cashing in on whatever resurgence of vintage porn exists today...and this is exactly what happens here. To be certain, there are truly interesting stories to be tapped into with vintage porn--and Traci's and that of the concomitant era are certainly among them--but this production simply misses the mark. It doesn't tell a decent story (and a good one does exist), it doesn't adequately represent (or parody) the personalities that it's intending to (which is a shame), it isn't very funny, it's generally horribly cast, and it isn't good. I hate to be so negative about a release, but wow. My recommendation? Avoid this flick at all costs if you actually like (or lived through) mid-80's adult fare. The lack of effort, authenticity, and depth will make your blood boil. If you're just looking to spank one out to actresses in obvious wigs and attire that somewhat resembles that of the time period, and you can ignore the fact that they're supposed to be portraying legends, it might be passable...albeit no better than everything else that's out there. While the sex itself isn't bad (it's actually fairly strong and well-captured), the misfire that is the rest of the release is. Definitely a pass.

In terms of the sex, the wig-adorned blonde, Courtney Shea (who's horribly cast as the "Ginger Lynn" character), and an uber-sexy stagehand, Carter Cruise, go to work slurping on Richie Calhoun's (as "John Holmes"... sigh...) cock while the director is away (Scene One). Of course, when he returns, he's both pissed and also willing to take advantage of the situation that's started. Thence, Carter's quickly ejected, and Courtney gets nailed (well) by Calhoun in various vaginal positions before taking his seed in her kisser. In Scene Two, Cameron Dee (as "Amber Lynn"... nope), gets it on with Kurt Lockwood (as "Jerry Butler"... where's the clever, Brooklyn kid, here?). This one takes place on a purple bed that's part of a set and involves solid oral and vaginal action. He pounds her out well and coats her face with his cum in closing out the encounter. Scene Three brings together Angelina Chung (as "Kristara Barrington"--at least she's Asian, I guess...), Mia Austin (as "Nina DePonca"), and Jay Smooth (as "Jeff Stryker"... a guy from Illinois who sounds like Dracula and who was "rumored" to do gay porn... SMH). The two ladies share in his cock orally, he likewise partakes in their pussies, and they then pound it out vaginally. A double-facial closes out this decent sequence. In Scene Four, Lucy Tyler (as a spunky--and then-underage--"Traci Lords"...), samples the type of guys that she'll be having in getting it on with Tyler Nixon (as "Tom Byron") in Tom Byron's (as "Jim South") office. Lucy's a real looker, particularly in her green-short-shorts and striped sweater, and Nixon goes straight to work on her after she asks him if he "wants to fuck". Lucy looks more like Savannah than she does Traci Lords, with her hair style, figure, and what not, but it's hard to complain (...a rarity for me in this review...) with the heat that she and her guy generate. A steamy, oral (partial POV) and vaginal romp rolls out, as the pair pounds away at it, and this casting couch canoodling finally comes to a close with a spurting facial for the young lovely. Scene Five has the bewigged and big-clitted Ashlee Graham (as "Nina Hartley") and the super-cute, pink-clad Zoey Monroe (as "Bunny Bleu"... c'mon...) hijacking a director, Anthony Rosano, for a quick ride after the talent for the day doesn't show up. The oral, vaginal, and girl-girl sex that ensues is generally quite hot, with Graham's hefty clit on full display and with Zoey acting her ever-bubbly self. A load on Monroe's face and on Graham's tits finishes off this fine fuck. In Scene Six, Natasha Vega (as an overly shallow version of "Christy Canyon") jumps right into a sequence with Gaia (as "Mai Lin") and Eric John (as "Eric Edwards"). There's essentially zero build-up on the latter two characters and only a paltry one for the former, and the fucking that follows involves both ladies slurping down John's johnson with voracity...and Gaia riding it like a madwoman (in a good way). Eric ejaculates on Vega's ample bosom and Gaia's face. Again...solid sex, crappy storyline elements. What an overall disappointment.

[As a final note: None of this review is intended to blast the (generally miscast) cast or their sexual performances, which are typically good and well-captured (or better), but instead takes aim at the premise of the work as a whole.]