Misty Beethoven: The Musical Review

The gist: This is a sequel to "The Opening of Misty Beethoven," a Golden Age classic. But this time, director Veronica Hart adds an exclamation point to the title and a half-dozen songs, and we get that rarest of rarities in porn: something original.

The plot: As in the 1975 film, it's a "Pygmalion" story -- though in this case I suppose the comparison should be to "My Fair Lady." Randy Spears is a jaded, idle-rich fop who wants to take the lowest, cheapest hooker he can find (Sunset Thomas) and shape her into something greater, just for kicks. In this case, she'll be transformed into a sexy pop-singer phenomenon. Chloe plays his sidekick in a relationship reminiscent of "Dangerous Liaisons" (yes, I'm claiming quite a pedigree for this movie). The project ultimately is a success, but in unexpected ways -- they all finally drop their defenses and learn important lessons about love. Awww.

The play-by-play: We open in an alley, with Chloe on her knees blowing Randy while he sings over the opening credits. He only gives us one verse, though, and it's mostly instrumental before he begins a voice-over monologue about blowjobs. Chloe ends up with Randy's typically gooey pop on her cheek and chin. Nice BJ, decent song, strong opening.

We get some exposition on a set that echoes the crazy furniture from the original film. Randy sips champagne and talks while barely taking note of the maids (Ava Vincent and Misty Mason) as they take turns blowing him. Chloe is getting a rimjob from a butler, and there is more sex filling out the background. Pretty soon Randy's dick (stunt-doubled by a dildo) joins the conversation, and suddenly it decides to break into a song ("The Penis Tango"). Special effects put lips on the head of the dildo, and the servants dance and cavort in the background during a pretty brilliant little number. It's very silly, but I love it. The scene continues with more incidental sex (including oral pops for Misty Mason and Venus) as Randy and Chloe cook up their scheme.

They go slumming at a bar where Malitia collects the cover charge and stamps their hands while being pounded in the ass from behind. Cute. Kelly Steele, decked out in biker-bitch gear including a cupless bustier thing, has a three-way on a plexiglass tabletop/stage with Hamilton Steele and Dick Nasty as the patrons watch. She's pretty aggressive, but the guys don't seem to match her intensity. We cut for a quick shot of a pop on Malitia's cooch, and then, distressingly, to a series of shots of the bar patrons. I assume these extras were friends of somebody, but I'm sorry, they weren't attractive enough to rate facial closeups in a porn movie, and especially not during a sex scene. Wood-killers all. Kelly's smiling double facial doesn't quite make up for it.

In another nod to the original, Sunset Thomas is giving Dave Cummings, dressed as Napoleon, a halfhearted handjob while she broadly pantomimes boredom (yawning, looking at her nails, rolling her eyes etc.). Randy sees the performance and concludes that she's the worst hooker he's ever seen -- perfect for his project.

They all head to the next club, where Julie Meadows is on stage doing a fine job with her song, both in voice and in stage presence. The band, including Chloe on bass, continues to play as Chris Cannon and Trevor Zen appear on stage to present their dicks for Julie to suck. There are some nice angles on the back-and-forth BJ before she does a striptease out of her leather outfit. We get a couple positions for vaginal+oral before she gets DP'd. A decent double facial draws applause from the audience.

Elsewhere in the club, Randy meets the original Dr. Love (played by Fred Lincoln instead of Jamie Gillis, sadly), and gets a brief, offhand BJ from Mia Smiles during the conversation (no pop).

Chloe and Randy go to work on Sunset's appearance and skills. Sunset watches some porn and practices her fellatio on a trio of butlers (Tyce Bune, Mike Horner, J.T. Cannon), but she's awful.

There's an interlude in which Sunset sings a ballad ("Fuck the World") to convince Randy that making her a singer is what they should work on. I thought it was the weakest song of the bunch, and the echoey vocal makes it the most obviously dropped-in lip-synch. It's FF>> fodder.

Finally, Sunset is getting the hang of giving blowjobs. Her improvement inspires the three butlers to make like The Three Tenors and sing her praises. The Chili Peppers-like song and the performances are outstanding. Horner, who's a ham even in his most restrained acting moments, goes all out with his expressions here, which is perfect. You really can't go too far over the top in this situation. Ironically, the actual blowjob footage is a little weak, but by the final chorus she does get three loads.

On a private jet as they head to see a record producer who can get Sunset's singing career going, Randy explains the game plan while flight attendant Lezley Zen sucks his dick (he gets a lot of head in this movie). Michelle Lay, the pilot, goes down on Sunset just to be fair. (But no cigar, for the historians among us.)

We cut to the producer (Evan Stone), whose unrequited love for Asia Carrera torments him. In a darkened studio, he sings his regrets while imagining Asia romping on pink satin sheets with Barrett Blade. It's another solid song, and Asia looks as good as usual. But this time, instead of distinct song and sex segments, we cut away in the middle of the sex scene for a long stretch of Evan singing. Coitus interruptus. I gather that a lot of women like Barrett, and that certainly appears to be the case with Asia. She really seems to enjoy the mish and doggie. After a brief spoon, he pops on the belly.

Back on the plane, Chloe gives Sunset a little pep talk and brings Michelle Lay back for a more thorough g/g scene. I kind of like that Michelle keeps her uniform on while servicing Sunset orally and with a pink dildo. Eventually, of course, Sunset returns the favor, and brings out the old double-ended dildo. She starts out by churning butter two-handed, but eventually both ends get used as Chloe lends a hand.

Chloe takes Sunset to the studio to meet Evan. Sunset's torchy song doesn't do much for me, but it seems to help Evan get over Asia quickly enough. After some brief seduction dialogue and kissing, there's a cut, and suddenly Sunset's got her dress around her waist and is being fucked mish on a table. After a nice BJ interlude, we cut to reverse cowgirl in a chair that really shows off how much Sunset's been working out -- she's remarkably toned and fit. After some more mish on the desk, he pops on her belly.

Randy has further plans for Sunset, but she refuses to keep playing his game. In the final scene, she sings a more rousing version of "Fuck the World" (with a great '70s Farrah hairdo), and this time Randy takes the stage -- not to do Sunset, but Chloe. She rides him cowgirl and RC, sucks him for a while, then finishes the scene in doggie with her usual bug-eyed intensity. Pop on the butt. The End.

Pros: I'm not exactly a Broadway kind of guy, but this concept really worked for me. The very idea of a porn musical is inherently a parody of a form that's absurd to begin with. With these multiple layers of irony, I had that "I can't believe what I'm seeing" feeling all the way through the movie, and that's fun. And the fact that the actors did their own singing is impressive.

The singing butlers are the absolute pinnacle of everything I hoped this movie would be. It's funny, it's a good song, it's an homage to a scenario from the original film, AND there's cocksucking. I literally could not ask for more. This may now be my favorite three minutes in movie history, porn or mainstream.

One thing porn and musicals have in common is that the plot is often just a rickety bridge that connects the "action." This one has to give us both songs and sex, which is a double achievement. As a bonus it embraces situations from the original film, providing a pleasing balance of sequel, remake and re-imagination.

Cons: I actually wish the movie had been even goofier. The main appeal of the musical concept, for me, is the surreal aspect of people who shouldn't be singing suddenly busting out into their numbers. Too much of the singing here comes from people portraying singers, so it makes too much sense.

To pervert an old theater expression, you don't exactly go out humming the sex scenes. Not all of them are ideal stroke material, and in porn you might think that nothing should overshadow the sex.

The only times when we have singing and sex happening simultaneously are during blowjobs. Believe me, I understand that this is probably because even that feat of lip-synching is difficult to pull off. But I do wish there could have been even a brief moment of someone singing during intercourse. That would be absolutely amazing to me. Maybe next time.

Just my opinion, but Sunset Thomas is neither the most attractive person nor the best actress for the lead role. Just from the cast of this movie, I think Julie Meadows, Ava Vincent and Chloe all could have been better. But I know that's not how things work in a contract-girl driven situation.

Condom note: Used only in some scenes (with Meadows, Stone/Thomas, and Spears/Chloe).

DVD extras: It's a three-disc set, so you know you're getting value. There's a commentary with director Veronica Hart, writer and songwriter Maxwell Hart, and Sunset Thomas. It's conversational and entertaining, but not necessarily very enlightening. I found it worth listening to, though. Veronica is outgoing as usual and carries the track.

On the second disc, there's all kinds of goodies: a photo gallery, a half-hour of behind-the-scenes footage, a 10-minute interview with Maxwell Hart, an 8-minute interview with Veronica Hart, another 8-minute talk with Veronica about "The Opening of Misty Beethoven" with some footage from the original, a short blooper reel, four bonus scenes that were glimpsed on a TV during Sunset's training sequence (Juli Ashton from "Being With Juli Ashton", Ginger Lynn from "Torn", Marilyn Chambers from "Edge Play" and Anita Cannibal, Michelle Raven and Dale DaBone in a g/g/b from Sinful Rella) and some trailers. The third disc is a CD soundtrack.

The real highlight is in the end credits, though. It's a long outtake reel that shows Sunset totally, repeatedly, painfully failing to pronounce "Misty Beethoven." Unbelievable stuff.

Summing up: I give Veronica Hart a ton of credit for making this happen. It's not a perfect movie, but I still liked it better than "Chicago."

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