Honeymooners, The Review

The Honeymooners (Cal Vista, 1976/2009)

Directed by Bob Chinn

Plot Overview: A parody of the TV show, The Honeymooners tells the slight story of Ralph (John Leslie) and Morton (Jeffrey Hurst), two elevator repairmen called to do a job in an apartment complex. Ralph apparently has a perpetual boner, while Morton is goofy but still has a little luck with the ladies. Most of the action goes down at Josephine’s (C.J. Laing) apartment, where she has her fun, and then calls up her lady friends to join her. We never find out whether or not the elevator gets fixed, but it’s safe to say they need to call someone about the wiring in the building.

Scene 1: C.J. Laing and Jeffrey Hurst

After our two heroes arrive at the job they’ve been called out to, C.J. shows up, with groceries, frustrated that the elevator isn’t working. After employing Jeffrey (whose every other line is a sexual innuendo) to help her upstairs with her bags, she starts seducing him, and gives him a BJ to the tunes of some glam rock. Meanwhile, John is angry about being left to work alone yet again, accidentally electrocutes himself, and stumbles off. The comic style of this movie is bizarre, and I didn’t even realize it was based on a TV show (I’m not from the States) until I did some research, and now it makes much more sense. That doesn’t mean it works, though.

Back at C.J.’s, they are moving onto some missionary, with the help of a handy lube bottle that C.J. picks up from her coffee table, followed by doggy, and a non-traditional cum shot - Jeffrey, in super close-up, pulls out and cums hands-free.

Scene 2: C.J. Laing and John Leslie

Without wasting any time, John shows up at the door, and he and C.J. get busy while Morton fixes himself a sandwich. C.J. gives John a BJ, John makes some comical “O” faces, they move into missionary, and then us viewers are treated to a rather long take of Morton eating a sandwich. Once we get back to the lovers, we’re offered a cum shot on C.J.’s belly. C.J. exclaims, “That was delicious.” Noticing he’s still hard, she calls Marlene (Terri Hall) to come on over and get something to eat.

Scene 3:Terri Hall and John Leslie

Terri shows up and immediately informs John that she’s going to suck his cock. He seems pleased, and after a BJ, they get into cowgirl, including some butt diddling for Terri courtesy of John. They revert back to a BJ, to the sounds of a Led Zeppelin cover, and after a long time, and a suspicious edit, John cums in her mouth, though not a visible cum shot. I can’t help suspecting this cum is fake – it looks more like a yoghurt drink. My suspicion is further cemented by a comment Morton makes later in the movie when John introduces himself before the orgy scene, and Morton exclaims, “What am I? Yoghurt?” Hmmm…

Scene 4: Jean Dalton and John Leslie

John arrives home to wifey, who has had a visit from her mother, and now apparently really wants to give her husband a BJ. I hope he washed up first, I really do. With some more bad-ass music, we are treated to an extremely close-up BJ that ends with Jean jerking John to a pop shot. Leading immediately to…

Scene 5: Jean Dalton and John Leslie

So, my separating these scenes could be evidence of a very narrow-minded interpretation of what constitutes a “scene,” but there you have it. Jean is eager for hubby to get hard again so he can fuck her, and they go into the bedroom for some missionary, cowgirl, and doggy on the waterbed, all to the groovy sounds of some heavy prog-rock; John jerks himself to a pop shot on his wife’s butt.

Scene 6: C.J. Laing, Ultra Max, Ursula Austin, Terri Hall, John Leslie, and Jeffrey Hurst

After a brief glimpse of the four lady friends engaging in some orgy activity, the doorbell rings and the guys show up. One of the ladies looks John up and down and utters the best line in the movie: “Oh, this must be the big cock you were talking about that never goes down!” Indeed. The whole gang get to work, and the scene spends most of its time on John, much like the movie as a whole – he fucks one of the girls in missionary while having his ass eaten (kudos), and then in a very impressive move, after the pop shot on his partner’s belly, the rimmer pokes her head through John’s thighs and laps up the cum! I was impressed, and apparently so were those involved, as lots of giggles were shared all around.

The music during this scene was awesome too, starting out with some kind of crazy, wailing, rock song with a chorus that goes, “If we don’t fuck you then someone else will”, followed by a cover of The Jackson Five’s “I Want You Back.”

The movie ends with Morton having to go and fix the elevator, while Ralph gets electrocuted once again, loses his perpetual boner, and – somehow – giving it to Morton. Ralph faints, FIN.

Final Thoughts: Seeing as I have no reference point in terms of what this movie is based on, it initially felt very odd and didn’t work too well in terms of comedy. Now that I know what it’s based on, it still doesn’t really work. The things I can credit it for are 1) massive attention to John Leslie, who performs in all but one of the scenes, and 2) a pretty amazing and weird soundtrack. I recommend this to John Leslie aficionados and collectors of cultural oddities.