Baker's Dozen 5 Review

Who knew what mutant strains of pornological deviance would be spawned by the simple blowjob movie? There are gagging movies and head-upside-down-pistoning movies. There are movies in which cum must be swallowed and movies in which cum must never be swallowed. There are movies where no male face is ever seen, and movies where many males faces are seen. There are blowbangs that never lead to any other sexual act, and blowbangs that lead to gangbangs. There are polite one-on-one scenes scored to jazz-lite soundtracks against gauzy scrims, and there are slap-happy fusillades of facial abuse punctuated by loudly miked slurping action. Who knew there was such infinite variety in such a simple gesture?

These days, it seems, even “signature”-type directors are inaugurating BJ lines. And blue-chippers like Jules Jordan aim to super-size the formula (with their formal elegance and high-end honeys, endless salamis and inventive mixology when it comes to cum cocktails, each edition of Feeding Frenzy outdoes the last: It’s the Escalade of oral-themed porn). Save for Mike John, though, the auteur of Diabolic’s original Down the Hatch and now the bust-loose bawdiness of Teenage Spermaholics and No Cum Dodging Allowed, it’s Brandon Iron who most obsessively puts his money where the mouth is. As if his A Good Source of Iron, a swallow-centric feature, isn’t enough, the IronMan now has five volumes of Baker’s Dozen on the shelf. Baker’s, while dragooning a similarly ample array of Porn Valley mopes (aka “male talent”) to ejaculate upon pretty teenage faces on random sunshiney mornings, impresses me as the more ambitious line. I'm impressed, partly, because these bizarrely orgiastic events recall the sheer absurd mania of those old Rocco movies where he’d drag some fallen Italian supermodel to a Roman park after dark to be greeted by 47 members of the Rocco Fan Club (presumably the ones who had mailed in the contest coupon on the back of the last Rocco boxcover).

It’s.
Just.
So.
Wrong.

And yet, even in such a reductive format, a kind of bastardized bukkake (for, indeed, there is fucking and sucking, thus despoiling any hint of “purism”), Brandon makes it unique – or just unique enough.

ADT reviewers always rate these efforts highly, but what makes Baker’s 5 successful really comes down to casting --- not gloppage. There’s a perfect ratio of nymphettes to nymphos, and by opening each scene with a one-on-one encounter, there’s at least a stab towards intimacy and heat before the eruption of anonymous, “any cock will do” romance. The best is Alektra (wow) and Toni Ribas, opening the show as the Spaniard waggles his conquistador’s sword in the slender newbie’s wanton mouth, and commands: “Give me pleasure!” in his slightly lispy accent that always reminds me of Hank Azaria in that dumb romantic comedy with Billy Crystal and Julia Roberts in a fat suit.

There’s real chemistry here, or maybe I just got lost in Alektra’s flashing green eyes, because Ribas damn sure does, and it’s what makes the scene. Good, old-fashioned fucking. Who knew? The blowbang sequence is OK, compared to this electric coupling, but it’s the climax that it almost shocking, as Alektra’s face and eyeballs get splattered to such an extreme extent that you can barely recognize her. B-Dawg's been schooling at a GGG master class, methinks, for the sheer ridunkulosity of all that dick-drizzle gives a weak heart the shudders and makes even a grown-ass man pause in momentary horror. I mean, damn!

Cute little Crissy (aka Jean Marie Sullivan -- is this Frank Wank's bastard daughter?) gets her first anal from John Strong, a scene with a “breakin’ ‘em in” feel that is sexy, mostly, for Crissy’s smoky voice. Delilah Strong, who gets most of the screentime, sparks off a gang bang (with more action in the BTS segment), between her one-on-one and the delivery of her baker’s dozen. Delilah's a go-getter, and reminds me a lot of certain girls I knew, or sadly for my pathetically extended virginity, failed to know in that special way, but, I dunno ... she doesn't do a whole lot for me. I just see the dollar signs flashing in her eyes, rolling by like Lucky 7s in a nickel slot machine. Pass.

The sugar-coated treats conclude in the bonus department: Natalie Knoxxx stars in a 16-minute scene in which she declares herself “Strong, sexy and fuckin’ fabulous!” And, indeed, she is! Her impressive natural D-cups swaying while she trash-talks her away to a GGG-degree cum-drenching from Brandon’s “gang of bullies,” Natalie’s one girl I'd love to see a lot more of: she wins my personal “Boston Cream” donut for the hottest scene in the movie. And non-penetrative at that. Who knew?