Topless Window Washers Review

Reviewed by Diville  on  7/12/2001

Starring: Kaitlyn Ashley, Channone, Crystal Gold, Montana Gunn, Ashley Renee, Lovette, Alex Sanders, Kyle Stone, Mike Horner, Dave Hardman, Frank Towers

Directed By: Stuart Canterbury

Topless Window Washers is not a good movie. It's unnecessary, in fact. It's unnecessary in the way an oversized advertising circular stuffed in my mailbox is unnecessary. Both pretend to have my best interest in mind, but each takes my wallet to heart. There's nothing here we all haven't seen done better some place else, and even though a couple of the girls on this DVD are more than nice to look at, they're not presented as they should be.

I'll go on record and say I'm a fan of Chonnone, the French starlet who came and went like so many other second tier porn actresses. I'm convinced if she spoke English she'd have been a bigger star. Her body is really quite impressive, especially the ass part of it. It's that body which graces the this movie's box cover, and while she may not be recognizable to some, she is to me. You can understand, then, how disappointed I was to find her only appearance is in the movie's opening scene. Playing the part of a street walking prostitute, she has sex with Dave Hardman in a dimly lit ally. The oral sex was shot well, and she eventually takes it up the ass which is better than not taking it up the ass, I guess. I just never bought the idea that anyone involved was actually enjoying themselves.

There's a silly little story at play here which doesn't help to add new dimensions to the sex. A group of women start up a window washing service as a front for their prostitution business, and that's pretty much it. See, instant porno plot. You're smart people, surely you can write the rest of the story in your head. It's not that hard. There's some washing of windows and some sex, and that's it.

Besides Channone, Kaitlyn Ashley is also on hand, but only for one sex scene in which she goes through the motions with Kyle Stone. I've seen cymbal clapping monkey toys that were more animated. That's not to say Kaitlyn Ashley is a lame fuck. We've seen her enough to know better. What I am saying, though, is she's appearing in a lame movie that doesn't ask her to do much more than lie still until the scene's over. Sure, there's a facial involved, but it's weak and anticlimactic, especially considering it's what ends the feature.

Everyone else in the cast looks as if they're made of the same material my old Stretch Armstrong toy was made of. I'm talking about that pliable rubber material which bled molasses when you stabbed it with one of your mother's kitchen knives. I'm not sure Montana Gunn or Lovette would bleed any differently if something, god forbid, pierced one of their over inflated breasts. I could describe their scenes in more detail, but why bother? They were little more than bargain bin compilation fodder. Suffice it to say, they're not worth your time.

Reminding me somewhat of Disneyland animatronics which look real from far away, but reveal their true mechanical natures when you get up close, Crystal Gold and Ashley Renee do the things to each other that lesbians do. Or at least the lesbians in porn movies. Again, a paint by numbers sexual affair.

Ultimately, what Topless Window Washers left me with was a question. How did it make it to DVD? Easily, its production predates the DVD format, so it must have been chosen over other movies when its producers went scrummaging through the vaults. Why this one? Even though Kaitlyn Ashley is a sexy woman, this is nowhere close to her best work, and despite the popularity Channone enjoys in my own heart, her star isn't the brightest in the adult industry. The transfer is fine, I suppose, for an inexpensive movie. I didn't have any complaints in that department. There are no extras to speak of, which is fine. I probably wouldn't have cared to watch them anyway. What does this DVD have to offer itself? Very little. And why was it purposefully chosen to be transferred to DVD? I've no idea.