Timeless (VCA) Review

Reviewed by Rieekan  on  6/25/2001

* DIRECTOR: Jim Holliday
* PRODUCTION DATE: November 1997
* DURATION: »110mins
* FEMMES: Alex Dane, Julie Rage, Kimberly Jade, Kylie Ireland, Miss Sharon Mitchell, Nikita Ca$h, Nellie Pierce, Nico Treasures, Raylin, Sharon Kane, Shayla LaVeaux, Veronica Hart & Winona Winter.

WELCOME to Rieekan Review #4. I first saw Kylie Ireland in New Wave Hookers 6 and was very impressed. Although I’m currently in a blonde phase, I’ve always loved redheads and bemoaned their scarcity in porn. Kylie’s also a lusciously voluptuous woman rather than a stick figure starlet. Timeless cost AUD$39.95 (»US$20) from AdultShop – as cheap as you can get in Australia (see Scipio’s international shopping advice). Its reviews were good to great, so I was fairly happy to cough up the dough (another great porn flick).

STORY SYNOPSIS: Timeless may have a great story, but it’s hard to follow when you can’t watch the 3rd, 4th or 5th scenes. For some reason, those chapters and some extras don’t play on my DVD-ROM (although they do work on normal players). Check out other reviews for a detailed synopsis (note conflicting cast lists).

From what I did see, there was a real effort at a decent and amusing plot, and Kylie’s acting was fairly cute. Note that Kylie has bleached blonde hair in the movie, rather than her perfect copper hair on the covers. She’s a hot blonde but a much better redhead.

Scene 1 – Winona Winter (?) & Marc Davis. This cute brunette is rapidly swivelled upside down into a standing 69 with Davis. The editing however is far too heavy-handed, with too much jumping, quick cuts and disjointed genital close- ups. A lot of footage was cut to make this movie fit on VHS. The scene ends with an average drippy facial. Lacked chemistry and heat, and really suffered from the editing.

Scene 2 – Kylie Ireland, Nellie Pierce, Raylin, Winona Winter & Marc Davis. The ladies are all pretty cute in this scene, particularly Kylie as the bitchy porna donna who has the girls lick her arse. Raylin stood out from the other two but loses points when going RC on Marc – there’s disconcerting room to let between her bouncing breasts. Kylie and the other girls lick each other and cycle with Marc, but the action is all over the place and worsened by the editing. Kylie has a few ordinary minutes with Marc before receiving a nice facial. This warm scene also had a bit of g/g foot worship. Note to porn stars: please lose the watches and jewellery!

Scene 3 – Kimberly Jade & Winona Winter. Or so I’m told. This chapter skips me right back to the title menu.

Scene 4 – Kylie Ireland & Shayla LaVeaux. This chapter is also inaccessible, which is a damned disappointment. Kylie and Shayla … *sigh*. I have to jump to Chapter 6 and rewind to watch Chapter 5.

Scene 5 – Julie Rage, Raylin & Steve Hatcher. Raylin looks all right here, but Julie Rage … ugh … I’d be in a rage if I looked like that. Mr. Hatcher doesn’t help either. Another brutally edited scene but fortunately that spares us shots of Julie’s face. Steve fucks her vaginally and anally, filmed almost entirely in close-up. After a few minutes, Steve fucks Raylin anally from behind. In one frame, I thought she was bleeding but her arse was just red. This very lacking scene ends with the girls recoiling from Steve’s pop shot, which flies off into la-la land. Very poor scene.

Scene 6 – Alex Dane & John Decker. Alex strips rather un-sexily and gets it on with Decker, but they don’t have much chemistry. Some evidence of improved photography here and Dane gets things going with a cock in her mouth. But. Still. Too. Jumpy. The scene peters out to a weak facial. Alex then spouts something in a southern accent. She doesn’t do angry/sultry very well.

Scene 7 – Kimberly Jade, Nico Treasures, Ian Daniels & Tom Byron. KJ is below average, but Nico has a nice shapely body and is somewhat like Kylie. Two pairings here, in a slightly dark and shadowy bedroom. KJ sucks her own toes and looks pretty haggard overall. She grabs Tom’s neck in one frame but manages to avoid looking sexy. There is some anal sex for KJ (none for Nico), brief background tit-fucking and two weak facials. Even without the bad editing this scene is less than warm.

Filler – Why are we seeing Ian getting his hair cut? Please explain Jim. There is a long time spent here and while there may be four exposed breasts, one woman is extremely nasty and the other just cuts hair. What’s going on?!

Scene 8 – Kylie Ireland & Tom Byron. We return to gorgeous Kylie (her breasts were done very well and I have a thing for her freckly shoulders) with Tom. He has a brief seafood snack before she demonstrates some sword-swallowing. Evidence of better camera-work is ruined by an incoherent scenery shot. They fuck in a few standard positions, where’s the heat? Tom rims her briefly before some gentle anal. The scene ends with an average facial for Kylie and very brief post-cum head. To quote Kylie, "Fair to middling."

TECHNICALITIES: The image was generally sharp with some strange blurriness at times. The lighting was good and there were no problems with colour, clarity or grain. The sound was also fairly sharp and the music tolerable. The direction was passable but definitely lacking – there was far too much editing. Dropping a scene would have avoided this.

Extras consist of 8 chapters (not an extra I know), limited cast biographies with jump to scene, VCA website preview, a rather desultory time-delay photo gallery and nice trailers for Cashmere, Forever Night and Lover’s Passion. The movie starts after a certain time on the title menu.

SUMMARY: On the plus side, Timeless has Kylie Ireland, sharp picture and facials to end most scenes. On the down side, the sex is very ordinary, the editing is horrendous and there’s no remarkable heat or chemistry. The DVD doesn’t play correctly and you have to wonder about some scenes and what they (don’t) contribute. The Right Hand Man mentioned ‘never seen before’ footage (and multiple angles?); I shudder to think of the butchered VHS version.

Obviously, this review would be a lot different if everything worked, but from what little I did see, the sex was very disappointing and I didn’t get much of a story to follow. On that basis, Timeless wasn’t worth its price. It has a medium raincoat/stroker factor (two Kylie Ireland facials is worth something) but could also conceivably work for couples interested in anal sex.

Though I’m still an Ireland fan, Timeless just didn’t deliver the goods. Other reviews rave, but I can’t. For a more balanced perspective, read Astroknight’s thoughts.

Rieekan

NEXT RIEEKAN REVIEW Tania Russof (The Story)