Texas' Asshole Massacre Review

Reviewed by astroknight  on  10/31/2007

The Little Details

Running Time: 138 min.

Production Date: 2 / 21 / 2005

Director: Ivan

Cast: Gia Paloma, Isabel Ice, Kami Andrews, Kat, Kelly Wells, Alias, Dirty Harry, Kris Slater, and Sasha

The Short Story

Initial Expectations: I've heard great things about them and love the little I've seen from Ivan for his all-sex movies. I'm not a horror movie fan, but I can't help but look forward to this one and can't think of a better movie for a Halloween review.

Initial Reaction: Although some of the sex went a bit over the top for me, the movie is extremely enjoyable with a great mix of nasty sex and fun.

Who Should Watch It : Anybody wanting nasty sex, plenty of laughs, and some great horror homages

Who Should Avoid It: Anybody wanting couples friendly porn comedy

The Technical Stuff

Audio /Video Quality: The technical aspects are very well done. The audio is clear and well balanced, and I didn't notice a single background noise. The video is nicely presented in the full frame format. Ivan and his camera creep into the edge of the picture several times during the second camera shots in the first scene, but it's just enough to know he's there rather than being full body shots and it's thankfully limited to shots done by the stars rather than actual cameramen. Beyond that, the video looks great. It's very well lit and smooth, and just plain looks great.

Music: There's some fun music during the non-sex sequences, but none during the sex scenes.

Menus: The main menu is okay, and belnds a couple stills with a little clip from the movie. The chapter menu is a touch generic, and lets you choose a scene based on a small clip of each scene and a scene number.

The Feature

Not everybody can be a starlet, but with Texas (Kami Andrews) from Hollywood's Official Starlet Agency, you just might be able to make it. She knows you can be better, and will do it by any means necessary while also giving you plenty of free stuff including room and board. Of course, things might not be as nice as they seem.

Scene 1 - Kat and Kris Slater

When ass-piring director Kat hears the banjo music while almost being attacked by turtles, she decides to check it out. She finds Kris playing it in the bedroom wearing only a pair of cutoff overalls, who tells her that he's a director and thinks she could use a little more time in front of the camera before moving behind it. Kat hands him her camera and strips down for him before helping him strip down and going right to work on him orally. She mixes in a little throat action and some stroking before laying back for Kris to fuck her missionary style. Kat gets on all fours for Kris to fuck each of her holes before impaling her ass on his cock in each of the cowgirls. Finally Kat hops off and lets Kris pop in her mouth.

This is a hot opening scene. There's some very nice humor to start it out, and Kat and Kris both put out some very nice energy and vocals. The chemistry between them is very good, and the scene moves along at a nice pace. The only problem here is that Ivan and his camera sneak into the edge of some of the shots from Kat's camera, but since it seems to be there as a prop as much as anything much of the time I can't get too down on this. This is a very nice start to the movie.

Scene 2 - Isabel Ice and Dirty Harry

Disturbed vet Dirty Harry prowls around the house before finding Welsh brunette Isabel eating his chili and holding his rifle on her. He has her turn around at gunpoint to show off before having her bend over so he can spank her ass before accusing her of being a gook who painted herself. Harry insists that she eat more chili off his cock before he jams it down her throat a few times as Isabel tries bringing him around to reality. Isabel lays back as Harry insists she has razor blades in her pussy and checks her out with his fingers before fucking her pussy doggie style. She gets up to slide her shitpussy over his shaft reverse cowgirl style before sucking it clean and letting him fuck her ass doggie style. They keep it going with some anal spooning and pile driver before he cums in her mouth and she swallows it down.

This is a great scene except for everything to do with Dirty Harry. I'll readily admit that he's rarely done much for me as a porn stud, but here the insane Vietnam vet did nothing for me due to my being close to several Vietnam vets. In fact, it had me cringing at times and held the scene back enough here that I couldn't help but get out the remote. I know that this is a very personal dislike here for me, and because of it and how well Isabel does throughout the scene it will work much better for many others than it did for me. This isn't a bad scene, but it just didn't work for me.

Scene 3 - Kami Andrews and Alias

After having a meltdown over all the thankless work she does, and ranting to Alias who she has tied up in the corner for getting a blowjob from anal whore Gia, hot dark haired Kami lets him know that the blowjob wasn't the answer. She has the answer and it's between her legs as she sits back on the counter and starts rubbing her nub. Kami moves on to fuck it with a dildo before letting Alias know that he's going to take care of her as she strips down and has him suck her titties. She unties him before attacking his cock orally mixing plenty of licks and throat action with some great eyes. Kami bends over the table for Alias to fuck her ass, and takes a couple breaks to eagerly suck it and his balls clean. She keeps sucking him clean as she rides him reverse cowgirl style, and even lays back for some anal missionary work. Alias finishes Kami off with some anal pile driver and a little more anal doggie before popping in her bowl of chili and letting her eat it up as she shows each bite off.

This is a pretty hot scene. I love Kami's meltdown at the start, and the masturbation is also very nice. She really gets into it with Alias giving her a good hard cock to work with. The scene might get a little long, but with Kami taking it in the ass it's hard to complain about it too much. This is a very good scene that felt like it could have been trimmed a little.

Scene 4 - Kelly Wells and Sasha

After Kelly wanders into the wrong area and gets caught by director Sasha after breaking his camera, she finds herself on her knees throating his cock. She bends over to let him fuck her ass, and gives it some good sucking before getting up to ride it reverse cowgirl style. Kelly gapes wide and keeps it up with plenty more ass to mouth as Sasha fucks her ass missionary and doggie style. Finally Kelly gets down and takes a very nice facial finish.

This is a pretty hot scene. Kelly isn't a girl who often works well for me as her nastiness more often than not comes over as neediness, and that just isn't sexy to me. Once again, I know there's a lot of people who disagree with me on that, and those people are bound to love this scene. Kelly goes all out with plenty of nasty anal, ass to mouth, and gaping, and doesn't seem to hold back much of anything. Although this scene was just an above average scene to me, I'm sure others will really love it.

Scene 5 - Gia Paloma, Kami Andrews, and Sasha

Kami decides to help Gia be a star rather than just an anal whore loser for the final scene. She brings Gia up on the bed so Sasha can fuck her face, and makes sure Gia takes it nice and deep before having Gia ride it in both cowgirls with her pussy. Kami moves in to eat Gia's ass a bit as she rides Sasha, and then gets up to ride him reverse cowgirl style with her pussy with Gia sucking her juices off Sasha's cock. Gia lets Sasha spoon her as Kami sits on her face while she protests about not doing girls, and begs for Sasha to fuck her ass as he moves around to fuck her missionary style with Kami not letting him fuck it. Kami gets up to smother Gia a bit before bending over for Sasha to fuck her ass as Gia watches, gives his ass a little tongue and finger massaging, and of course sucks his cock free of Kami's ass. Kami also gives up her ass pile driver style before Sasha pops in Gia's mouth and the girls swap it around.

This is a great final scene. Gia and Kami go all out with the performances they're so well known for, and their over the top vocals make the scene as funny as it is hot. The scene doesn't feel like it's drawn out as much as some of the others, and also has a little of everything in it. This is a perfect final scene for the movie.

Texas' Asshole Massacre is a great early effort from Ivan. I'll admit right away that I was a little leery going into this one knowing what a horror movie fan Ivan is as well as knowing that they hold virtually no interest for me. That said, when I know somebody is as passionate about something as Ivan is, I can't help but get curious about it and I'm darn glad I checked Texas' Asshole Massacre out. Some of the action is a bit over the top for me, but with these performers that doesn't really surprise me. Moreso, with how over the top many horror movies are it actually fits into the movie very well. Ivan did a great job blending humor about the porn industry with a bit of horror, and it only gets better with Kami in the lead going completely over the top with both the horror and the humor. I don't want to give away anything beyond that, but if you want a bit of horror, a lot of humor, and even more nasty sex, Texas' Asshole Massacre is going to be hard to top. Get yourself a big bowl of chili and check this one out.

The Extra Stuff

Trailers are included for Assentials, Mean Pushin' In The Seat Cushion 2, Black Up That White Ass 2, andAssploration. The photo gallery contains about fifteen full screen photos and pairs of good looking snapshots. There’s also cumshot recaps and a behind the scenes featurette.

The behind the scenes featurette lasts twenty six minutes. Kami starts out looking for some dildo cleaner and showing off for Ivan before taking a bubble bath with her toy from the movie. After a couple outtakes inside and outside Kami thinks she's going to get away with a little picking. Isabel has some fun with the toy guns and playing around before a great collection of things that went wrong on the set. The Fisheye cam is next with plenty of running followed by about five minutes of photos from around the production and a few more Kami moments from the movie and deleted scenes. This is a great collection of behind the scenes that's well worth checking out. There's plenty of humor and the Ivan you see here is the real deal rather than an Ivan that just comes out when the camera's around. The length of this featurette might be fairly average for bigger feature movies, but it's far better than many behind the scenes featurettes I've seen that have been much longer than it. Make sure you check the behind the scenes featurette out.

The Down -n- Dirty Sex Stuff

Themes: Straight, tease, anal, food play, ass to mouth, swallowing, masturbation, toys, group, rimming (female > female and male > female), and cum swapping

Raincoat Factor: Medium high

Condom Usage: None

The Bottom Line:

Currently, many of Evolution Erotica's DVDs can be found online for between about $12 and $25 with several stores offering them for under $15. At the low end this one's a steal. The entire movie is very well done and had me laughing several times. The technical aspects show plenty of care, and there's some great effort put into the extras. This is a very well done DVD.

Note to Evolution Erotica / Ivan: Great job here, and I can't wait to see more of your horror pornos!

If you have any questions or comments, please e-mail me .

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