Squirting Adventures of Dr. G, The Review

Reviewed by Nat Hocken  on  1/24/2003

Dr. G is Axel Braun, director and periodic star of “The Squirting Adventures of Dr. G.” And what does Dr. G say to the critics who suggest that he isn’t making the girls in his films squirt at all, that in fact they’re just peeing? He says, “Lend me your girlfriend.” He’s kidding, right? What self-respecting guy would even think of turning his girlfriend over to a guy who makes a film as half-assed as this one?

What we’re talking about here is a film with nine sex scenes; that is, one sex scene repeated nine times. The way it works is this. Axel talks briefly to a girl then we cut to him fingering her. She squirts. Then, as Axel explains to one girl, if a guy makes a girl squirt, it’s customary for her to make a guy squirt, too. So we get the blowjob. Then the cumshot. Then Axel speaks to the next girl, and the whole cycle repeats itself. Over and over, again and again—until a “Gilligan’s Island” rerun starts to look like a better use of our time.

I’ll tell you: the best thing about this movie is Axel himself, or rather his attitude. He’s a cheerful guy and occasionally amusing. Now ask yourself: do I want to watch a porn movie because the director’s a pleasant guy? Let me guess, you said no. Good for you. Good for porn.

Maybe you’ll think, what the hell, I can put up with a lot to learn how to make my girlfriend squirt. Well, brace yourself. Though Axel performs his little feat nine straight times, he never once tells you what he’s doing. He cuts out a lot too—thank goodness. He cuts out that whole, long middle section during which he’s getting the girl primed with his fingers. We see him start and we see him finish—but the truth is, all we really see is a guy fingering a girl, slowly at first then energetically. Try that at home, see how well it goes over. (One girl gamely rides it out to the end and dutifully squirts for Axel, but she admits the procedure was both uncomfortable and painful.)

The name “Dr. G” was well chosen. Axel approaches the girls like a sex therapist. He never has sex with them, except to demonstrate his technique. The blowjobs are given to one of his assistants. (Usually the same one, a guy name Pat Rixx, but one girl refuses to have sex with him so a guy named Phil has to “take one for the team.”) And just like real doctors, Axel occasionally carries on a conversation with his crew while he’s shoving his fingers in his “patient’s” pussy. Point being: the squirting adventures aren’t erotic. Since they aren’t informative, either, that kind of negates their value as porno. You’ve got to really love squirting to like this movie.

If you do, go for it. Axel claims a one hundred percent success rate and there’s nothing in this film to dispute it. “Nine Gorgeous Girls,” the boxcover proclaims; “9 Squirting Pussies.” That about covers it. Only a few of the squirts, though, are truly copious. None are especially impressive because all occur while Axel is energetically fingering the girls, which means they don’t stream, they splatter back on the girls’ bellies or out over their legs.

For me, the funniest part of the film occurs when Axel is talking to Silvia, a girl from Slovakia. He asks her if that country was ever part of the Soviet Union. “Don’t piss me off,” she replies, “we don’t like that.” There’s that piss again. Ah, well, I suppose it’s appropriate for a piss-poor effort like this one.