North Pole 13 Review

Starring: Jewel De'Nyle, Skylar, Jeannie Rivers, Nikita Denise, Caroline Cage, Peter North, Cheyne Collins, Dillon Day, Earl Slate

Directed By: Peter North

In a parallel universe where hardcore fucking has taken the place of professional sports as the country's most profitable diversion, Peter North sits upon a thrown of Nike and Gatorade endorsement deals he hasn't gotten around to signing yet. That's not to say he isn't incapable of making mistakes. As of this writing, Michael Jordan is only weeks away from having announced his comeback...to the Wizards. And North Pole 13 falls short of what other editions have conditioned us to expect.

The series' format makes it difficult to review in an expository manner. There is no plot, most of the women are new to the business, and no single segment has anything to do with the others. Yet, questions abound:

I'm looking at the picture at the corner of this page and don't mind telling you that I'm digging that girl on the cover. Who is she, what does she do, and how long will it take you to have her delivered to my quarters?

The girl you're looking at is named Skylar, and you'll find her in other gonzo movies, as well. She's awfully cute, I'll give you that. She even has a cute name in a suburban stripper kind of way. I can tell you that she does have sex on this DVD, but unfortunately she's paired with someone who would have probably been better paired with a bar of soap, or for the safety of his neighbors, with a cell mate. I've seen Skylar elsewhere and love to watch a little girl like her do such hot grown up things, but her scene here just doesn't do a lot to excite. If she's the reason you're thinking about buying North Pole 13, consider buying Little White Chicks...Big Black Monster Dicks 6 instead. I understand she plays the part of a little white chick.

Jewel De'Nyle's ass is my Disneyland. Wouldn't that be something if she employed it in the service of sex?

Yeah, that would be something.

So, does she?

Yep. Playing the part of Earl Slate's wife, she engages in an athletic DP with him and Peter North. The threeway is supposed to be an anniversary gift, but I forget which one is giving the gift and which one is getting it. Both seem to enjoy it. As for me, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable inviting Peter North's cock into my living room, much less into my wife's ass. Yet, in pornoland couples aren't burdened with such insecurities, and the fan at home is better off for it. This is easily the best scene on the disc. Jewel De'Nyle fans prefer her to be wild as opposed to demure, and her scene on this DVD is damn near over the top wild. These are not small men she's sandwiched between, but I dare say her enthusiasm does more damage to Slate and North than their Louisville Slugger sized bats do to her.

Since you mentioned baseball, do they cum on her face?

I'm not sure I follow your logic, but yes they do ejaculate on her face. Lots.

Who has been swinging wood longer, Cal Ripkin or Peter North?

Cal's rookie year with the Orioles was in 1982; Peter started having sex for money in 1983, so baseball's iron man has been doing his job longer, if that's what you really want to know. There are many differences between them, but the one that immediately comes to mind is that I've never seen Cal Ripkin cornhole an uninterested porn starlet, and Peter North does just that in North Pole 13. The uninterested starlet on the receiving end of this treatment is Jeanie Rivers who looks kind of like an ex-sorority girl who's a little down on her luck. She's an attractive girl, has great legs and a flat stomach, but her face is distant, unsmiling, and dare I say it, sad. I much prefer to watch a girl enjoy sex than endure it (an odd stance to take in this mini-age of pornographic misogyny) and Rivers isn't having too much fun. Too bad. Peter enjoys himself just enough to ejaculate on her face, and we're left missing out on something that could have been better.

I'm hungry. Got anything to eat?

I've got soup, rice, two Slim Jims, and a cake mix. Man, I've got to get my ass to the Piggly Wiggly.

Anything else good on this DVD?

Nothing that's appreciably better than what I've got in my cupboard. Oh, there are some moderately attractive girls having sex, but there are thousands of DVDs out there with that. Your question asked if there was anything "good" left in this title, and unfortunately "average" and "good" men two different things.

I saw Nikita Denise's name in the credits. Are you telling me she's no good.

She's got a sexy voice, but you know what? If I wanted to jerk off to a sexy voice I'd rent a Laruen Bacall movie. I wish I could find a better way to put, but she looks a little haggard in this movie. I've seen her look a lot better.

Just as well. I watch porn for visual clarity and full, digital sound. Will this make me happy?

No. It's kind of amateurish in places. Clearly, this edition is not up to Mr. North's usual standards. The lighting is often dim and the colors are off. Skylar actually looked a little green. Of course, I can't be for sure she's turning bad until I taste her.

Was that your attempt at a joke?

Ah, screw you. I'm trying here. This DVD isn't exactly an inspiration you know.

So, you're telling me that North Pole 13 won't make me hornier than a marching band's brass section?

Well, it might make you hornier than a marching band's brass section, but it didn't me. Although, I have to admit that the Jewel De'Nyle DP is worth some repeat viewings. But she's a nasty girl who does nasty things in lots of other nasty movies. Go get one of those instead.