Mail Order Bride Review

Reviewed by Nat Hocken  on  4/7/2003

Adam & Eve’s “Mail Order Bride” proves one thing: the girls do not control their sex scenes. Alexis Amore, interviewed before the shoot in a Behind the Scenes segment, says that she loves it doggie-style, that she hopes they do a lot of it in her scene. Her scene is with Mike Horner and the plain fact is they don’t do it doggie-style at all. I won’t say that Alexis’ disappointment is our pleasure, but in general it’s good to know that some directors actually direct the sex they show in their films. After all, it’s not much fun bashing the girls when it doesn’t work out.

The nice thing about this picture is that no bashing is required. The story is written around a mail order bride business owned and operated by Joel Lawrence and his mail-order wife, Nikita Denise. It’s not so much a story with a plot as it is a situation with a sub-plot. The business is the situation; the sub-plot is an introduction gone bad. Mike Horner’s prospective bride turns out to be a fraud and a lot of off-screen scrambling is required to find a suitable replacement.

The sex scenes—all but the last, with Mike and Alexis, only tangentially related to the mail order bride premise—come fast and often in this 86-minute film. The story never becomes intrusive and the sub-plot keeps it goal-oriented, which is helpful for those who typically watch porn a movie, rather than a scene, at a time. But the story’s simplicity ensures that the movie will work when viewed either way.

The tone of the sex scenes is consistently pleasant and the performers all seem to be having a good time. The most intense scene is the first, with Joel and Nikita. Joel cock-whips Nikita’s face, rams four fingers into her, and slaps her pussy several times for good measure. Because Nikita seems to like it (she slaps her own pussy), it isn’t violent, but merely aggressive. That’s a plus in my book, and it allows us to focus on the highlights of the scene without distraction: Nikita’s good looks, an erotic blowjob, and a swallowing facial.

Good looks is one thing the female cast members have in common. Even Nina Hartley looks all right, if you can just get past the fact that this chick was born during the Eisenhower administration. If I had a little trouble doing so, Steve Hatcher, eight years Nina’s junior, doesn’t seem to--even if he IS left to cum on her health activist ass. And Nina’s trademark enthusiasm is certainly in evidence throughout the scene.

Justine Romee, playing (kind of) the ne’er do well fraud, is attractive in her scene with Billy Glyde, and Kelly Warner is so damn cute in her scene with Chris Cannon that even her sub-standard blowjob seems a trivial objection. Alexis Amore is simply gorgeous, though she’s beginning to look—what with the tattoos and multiple piercings—a little like a sexy porno version of a Cenobite (remember Pinhead in “Hellraiser”?). Nina’s age nothwithstanding, Alexis’ scene is the weakest in the film. It has the least variation and ends with an invisible facial.

“Mail Order Bride” doesn’t give us great sex; it gives us good sex erotically charged with attractive women screwing around for the fun and pleasure of it. A solid couples film, it should appeal to singles, as well—provided they don’t pull it out at 1:00 a.m. when desperation requires stronger medicine.