Hopeless Romantic Review

* DIRECTOR: Scotty Fox.
* DURATION: »85mins.
* STARRING: Kaelin Roberts, Lacy Rose, Mikala & Nikki Dial.

Hopeless Romantic got it half-right. This 1992 couples flick from Legend Video was mastered for DVD by New Machine, which is where the problems begin. For one thing, I couldn’t figure out if the DVD was double-sided – neither side had printing and the flip side didn’t register on my player. New Machine’s horrible digital intro is sub-VHS quality and regardless of the cover’s claims, don’t expect any extras. (On the plus side, the DVD did have a menu screen and a time code, which was more than I expected.)

I don’t think anyone really intended Hopeless Romantic to be taken seriously as a romance. In hackneyed couples film fashion, Nikki Dial plays a sexually-unfulfilled writer who lives vicariously through her novel’s characters. Tedious and unoriginal on that front, and the chronically-fatigued script was poorly acted. The sex was dreary and uninspiring, and aesthetically, I could have done without Hatcher, Ryder, Roberts and Mikala. A more apt title for this movie would have been Romancing Hopelessness.

Nikki Dial is a naturally nice-looking woman with curly brown hair and pert breasts. She doesn’t have an overdone appearance and looks like the primary school teacher I used to have a crush on. Steve’s at least kind of funny as a goofball loser in the movie, but is stupefyingly grotty in all other respects. They start things out with Steve attacking Nikki’s pussy on an ugly green couch. She then sucks shovel-faced Steve’s cock, with some generous ball licking, that failed to come across as appropriate Valentine’s Day viewing with the missus. The penetration was lacklustre but did set Nikki’s breasts jiggling very nicely. After the two position screw, Steve pulls out and cums on her stomach. As nice as Nikki is, Steve and the poorly-filmed sex brought the whole scene down.

Kaelin is an unappealing big-haired brunette with a decent set of implants. Lyndon is a spiky-haired horror with a horrible ponytail. Romance isn’t exactly bursting in this scene – in fact, it’s not even in the room. He eats her then she blows him. They start the sex motions and then he very suddenly pulls out and cums. Incredibly weak scene.

Lacy is a brunette with a cute, daytime soap opera-ish face. Blonde Mikala unfortunately has massive gaps between her teeth. Things look worse when the clothes come off and I failed to find the romantic connotations in sucking a dildo. The girls have a remarkably tepid scene with two dildos, some licking and one kiss. Overall, an ugly scene. The girls then go investigate a suspicious noise and beat Hatcher the burglar with their dildos. Possibly the highlight of the movie.

Mikala has sex with Randy while Lacy watches and masturbates. Mikala seems more adept with a male partner and Randy leans back to enjoy the b.j. They move onto cowgirl while Lacy tries to figure her way out of one set of underwear and into another. Finally, Randy drops a load on Mikala’s stomach.

Lacy and Steve the burglar try for some bedroom romance. The scene was quite tolerable when it focused on Lacy’s face but was as lacking as all the others overall. Steve cums on her butt.

Nikki is rescued by her fantasy man Randy. There’s a glimmer of romance here despite Randy’s bright red shirt and white sneakers. He eats Nikki on a desk before she returns the favour. He then thrusts into her from behind. The sex was decent and couples-friendly in parts though I did find myself trying to read the title on a book spine on the desk, and the genital close-ups were often excessive. Some more nice jiggling breast motion before a pop on the pubes.