Foxy Lady's Candid Camera Review

Reviewed by T0MBOne  on  9/24/2009

Lady Teresa, a 30 something Polish performer from the 80s adorns the DVD cover sleeve of FOXY LADY'S CANDID CAMERA (1985, VCX-Cal Vista Classic standard frame re-release, 2009) but she only appears in the beginning and the end of this DVD in a horribly dubbed non-sex role. Meanwhile, awful voice over narrators Paul and Linda introduce a bunch of amateur scenes that are pretty awful thanks to wretched dubbing, bad, bad, bad perms and more. In between scenes, the narrators babble while shots out the front windshield of their moving vehicle reveal some German highways and bi-ways leading to towns nobody's ever heard of. Well, almost nobody.

Victor and Marilyn play cards before they play with each other. Marilyn has a shaggy haircut, hairy armpits (it's 80s Germany after all) and spreads her hairy bush to the strains of crappy synthesizer muzak. After about 13 minutes, the duo finally get down to some straight sex positions but Victor quickly spills his load. She rubs it around her pussy. What? There's more? Ball licking and sucking leads to doggy fucking, side mishing and finally Victor losing his hard-on. I shudder to think what the rest of the gals look like if this shaggy headed gal is the best Foxy Lady can offer here---!

Nature buffs Dan and Karen chit-chat during Karen's bubble bath then share glasses of wine. Bushy faced Dan has a lock of hair sticking up. Karen's not looking so hot herself but she has a shaved pussy and that's where she wants Dan to "fuck her the right way" but his reply is "I'm not into that right now." So, hairy legs Dan butt-fucks poor Karen in a pile driver in the couch plus the duo roll around for more anal antics in the ugly furniture piece. Oh, I have this order of events switched around; does it matter?---! 1/2

A buxom blonde Ramona (Desiree Barclay?) dances around and takes off this hideous one piece pale blue thingee that looks like Flintstones garb. She dances around naked, bounces her big boobs then lands on the floor with some guy named K (or something) who's flat on his back. She sheds his clothes, gives the dude with an ugly perm a blow job, then rides him reverse cowgirl. Quick-on-the-draw K lands a cumshot on her pussy. Man, that scene lasted only 9 minutes (and that was a good thing)---!!

Carol and Ranier roll around on a mattress adorned with the ugliest brown bed spread and some sort of hideous plaid yellow sheet. The only thing uglier than the bed spreads is the butt-ugly perm adorning Carol's head. Actually, the dude Ranier looks better than this pale woman, who has nice boobs rarely in view. Maybe she made the cut because she promised Foxy Lady she'd suck Ranier's ass? The facial finisher ends up dribbling out of his cock and onto his abdomen---1/2 !

It's orgy time folks and aren't these folks a bit old to be having orgies? Oh well, two gals look okay; there's a chunky gal wearing monster-sized glasses; one guy looks kinda normal but then there's his balding and boring buddy. Somewhere in this mess, a blonde with a wretched perm bends over for a creaming of her cute ass, then the bald dude tries to force his prick in her butt hole and fails; the action quickly cuts to him doggy fucking the big rump of that other gal. So, this orgy foolishness registers a few laffs, while prior scenes are only embarrassing and pathetic---!

Blame director Teresa Orlowski (Foxy Lady) for this time waster. She resurfaces to leave her address in Hanover, West Germany, if any folks (young or old!) want to suck and fuck for her candid camera. Send those tapes in today ASAP. Ugh.

FOXY LADY'S CANDID CAMERA (1985) receives ! outa !!!!! and that's being kind. It's worth $1.69 and that's being kind. Extras include the usual Cal Vista Classic trailers, bonus scenes and legendary tribute.