Facts of Life, The Review

Reviewed by T0MBOne  on  4/21/2011

THE FACTS OF LIFE: A PORN PARODY (2011, Dream Zone Entertainment) is yet another parody of an old TV show. House-mother Mrs. Garrett---Raylene is here along with the virginal straight-A student, Natalie---Kristina Rose, the rich bitch blonde, Blair---Kodi Gamble, the tomboy, Jo---Bobbi Brixton and the black gal, Tootie---Coffee Brown. The script is nothing more than an excuse for each of these school girl types to suck and fuck some dude that's all a lead up to Natalie hooking up with... not a guy but Tootie and a few sex toys for the weak finale. In between the sex stuff, the parody stuff is laced with really retarded laugh track and applause effects that are really annoying. It all adds up to about a 2 hour waste of time. The "Cracks of Life" song that bookends this stuff during the opening and closing credits also sucks.

Blair and the Latino guy---Rocco Reed shows up for no reason other than to fuck the lovely Kodi Gamble. She dutifully keep hers eyes fixed on Rocco's face during a blow job then predictably lands in the usual assortment of straight sex positions before taking a cumshot that mostly misses her face---!! She says it went in her eye for the sake of the lame script. Whatever.

The Headmaster bemoans the dropping enrollment and gets Mrs. Garrett to give him a blowjob---Raylene is fine here but the Headmaster (Ryan Mclane) seems to be losing his hard-on prior to the cumshot that lands on Ray's boob. No matter, he disappears never to be heard from again---! 1/2

The tomboy Jo runs Natalie out of her room so she can play with a dude---Anthony Rosano sucks and fucks Bobbi Brixton in an okay scene that concludes with a cumshot on her tiny titties---!!

Mrs. Garrett does the "I remember when I was young" bit that introduces a flash back with the milk man---Lee Bang sucks and fucks a red wig wearing Ashli Orion as the duo go from chair to table back to chair for some straight sex positions that conclude with a cumshot that mostly lands then drips down down her neck---!!`1/2 She rubs a stuffed animal in the cum, which is a signal for the lame laughter and weak parody stuff to start up again.

Natalie catches the tomboy and the rich bitch fondling each other in her bed room so she runs them out of there so that she can suck and fuck with Tootie---Kristina Rose and Coffee Brown are fine here but who really wants to see a girl/girl scene as the finale of this parody?---!!

Okay, the bitching ain't over. The extras also suck with 3 minutes of lame bloopers, a photo gallery and three trailers. Also on the main menu is access to phone sex ads and other ads, which also play for 10 minutes at the start of this DVD. It's something that can be skipped past but some folks will be especially pissed off with these ads are stuck on the beginning.

So, get these facts straight: THE FACTS OF LIFE: A PORN PARDODY (2011, Dream Zone Entertainment) is a weak parody that's just an excuse to see these school girls suck and fuck in mediocre sex scenes. Couple that with lame extras and sex ads on the front end of the DVD and you get a ! outta !!!!!