Carnal Secrets Review

Reviewed by Diville  on  10/29/2000

Starring: Jill Kelly, Temptress, Julie Meadows, Dee, Obsession, Bunny Love, Halli Aston, Vivian Valentine, Bonita Saint, Eric Price, Erik Everhard, Chris Cannon, Brick Majors, Brandon Irons

Directed By: Father John

Occasionally you'll run across a parody of porno movies in mainstream entertainment. When this happens you usually find some cliched set-up, like a horny pizza delivery boy, or something like that. Invariably, I think to myself, "I know porn acting is bad, but it's not that bad." Well, after watching Carnal Secrets, I've come to learn that it really is that bad. At least, it can be.

My first impression of Carnal Secrets was so poor that I made myself reconsider out of a sense of fairness. In fact, you are now reading the second review of it that I've written. Only I have seen the first draft, and it's been erased. It's important to be fair, I believe, because the folks who made Carnal Secrets really did intend to make a good movie. They empoly locations, elaborate lighting, costumes and a really hot cast. I recognize the effort, but it just doesn't work, I'm afraid. I get the feeling the director assumed these fringe "bonuses" would be enough. They aren't.

Make no mistake about it, Carnal Secrets is a waste of your money. It's easy to rip into a bad movie with clever plays on words, so let me do it the hard way--systematically. As a movie, carnal secrets is poorly composed, shot, written and acted. As a DVD it borders on incompetent. But let me be fair. I don't want to discount it across the board without some kind of justification, so let me explain these charges.

When I say it's poorly composed, what I mean is that the camera has a hard time being where the action is. For example, midway through the movie Temptress is taking it doggie style from Eric Everhard and when she turns around for the facial the camera stays in position. So, what we see is the back of her head while the front of it takes the pop shot. And this isn't some kind of cable edit; you'll see just enough of the ejaculation to know that it happened. And speaking of cable edits, when she enthusiastically rides Everhard reverse cowgirl, director Father John positions a bed post just in the right (wrong) place so you can't see the penetration. Alone, that's frustrating, but then he zooms in for the close up...on the bed post!

And when I say it's poorly shot, what I mean is that it's almost always dark. The opening scene with Jill Kelly and Eric Price is set at night during a thunder storm. Even though I'm completely impressed with Jill Kelly's body, I couldn't see it doing much as the only time you get a clear shot of it is when the strobes flash to simulate lightning. The other scenes suffer from the same underexposure, and sometimes from overexposure as is the case with the final all girl orgy.

Poor writing and acting speak for themselves, I think. It's just not a very entertaining story. Jill Kelly is some kind of mystical sex goddess who shows three adventurous women what their sexual fantasies would be like. One wants to be a slave in the ante-bellum south, another wants to get fucked on stage at titty bar, and another wants to get married, then immediately screw somebody else. I don't mind bad story telling if the sex carries it. In this case the sex just doesn't carry it.

And here are the problems with the DVD: It's all one long chapter and the audio suffers from an annoying hiss throughout the movie. If you want to skip to a particular scene, you can't. You have to scan through the entire movie to get to what you want. That, in my opinion, is incompetent.

But there is something good about it, and that's Julie Meadows. Believe it or not, this is the first time I've seen her work, and I am impressed. If there's a Julie Meadows bandwagon, then I want on it. She's much too pretty and fun to watch to be in a production like this, unfortunately. In fact, all the girls in Carnal Secrets deserve better. The talent here are all top notch. They just found themselves in a very bad movie.

Happily, I just discovered Julie Meadows, and plan on seeking out some of her better DVDs. I was turned on to Jill Kelly long ago, and know for a fact she has better titles out there, too. I look forward to seeing her, and everyone else from Carnal Secrets in improved productions.