Buttman Comics: Tales From the Crack Review

Reviewed by Crucifixio Jones  on  3/1/2005

Buttman Comics Presents…Tales from the Crack

2005, 2 hours and 20 minutes
Evil Angel
Directed by John Howard & Scott Philipps, Camera by Jonni Darkko
Starring Belladonna, Tiffany Mynx, Taylor Rain, Jayna Oso, Roxy Jezel, Alicia Rhodes, Haley Paige, Mason Storm, Shayna Knight

My Life as of March 2nd, 2005 --

On the tube: "The Matrix Trilogy" -- HBO has been playing these ad naseum all month long and as much as I hate the sequels, I can‘t NOT watch the original and the majority of Reloaded whenever I see them on. The initial installment was as close as you can get to flawless for the start of an episodic work but the following chapters SCREWED UP THE ENTIRE FRANCHISE. Revolutions actually made me want to puke.

Mainstream Flick in the DVD Player: "CB4" -- His stand-up is downright hilarious and his opening monologue at the Oscar‘s was something to remember but has Chris Rock ever been a truly funny movie when he was expected to carry the picture as the lead? CB4‘s premise is the funniest thing happening here (fledgling suburbanite amateur rappers emulate local gangsters to sell records) next to Charlie Murphy (yes, THAT Charlie Murphy) playing the thug they copy, Gusto. Murphy lends a certain authenticity to the role, especially since he ends every single one of his lines with “bitch.”

In the CD Player/Winamp: Fat Joe, “Safe To Say”, Cassidy, “I‘m A Hustler“ and Nivea, “Okay.” Turntable Lab.com has this to say about “Okay” -- “This is THE most sugary & melodic take on crunk-n-b I’ve heard yet -- Nivea’s singing lines about throwing drinks up but the pop background music conjures up kids playing double-dutch and popping gum on some real innocent shit. Weird enough, but when the YoungBloodz come in talking about Grey Goose and tight jeans, it’s like, creepy. Don’t pull an R. Kelly, Lil Jon!“



What You Should Know:
You ever get the feeling that you‘re watching something special the minute you pop a DVD into your player? Tales from the Crack is more than just a feature, it’s an “event.” Tales is a series of vignettes directed by directorial neophyte John Howard (and writer/friend, Scott Philipps) and based on his underground comic book “Horny Biker Sluts.“ Jonni Darkko is on hand to do camerawork while David Crawford and Tricia Devereaux oversee the entire process. Released in October on VHS, it had already won the AVN Award for Best Vignette Release in January by the time this DVD hit the streets.

It all begins when Belladonna ends her motorcycle ride by stopping at a biker bar. Inside, we see patrons that include Taylor Rain, Tommy Gunn, Travis Knight and others, with Steve Hatcher behind the bar. Hatcher recognizes Belladonna as one of the characters from his Buttman “funny book“ and produces the comic to show her. Bella flips through the book and as she does, we see each of the stories realized in live action.

The Action:

Jayna Oso, Haley Paige “Bite My Ass“

Haley Paige is a waitress taking the garbage out to a back alley dumpster. After struggling with the trash and having a smoke break, for some reason Haley decides to admire her own ass and adjust her thong which brings out a slinking and seductive Jayna Oso, a hypnotizing vampiress (complete with ridiculous Romanian accent) who promises to have her evil way with Paige. Haley is powerless to resist Oso as she dines on her ass until a completely over-the-top vampire hunter in the form of Evan Stone arrives to rescue her. He produces a crucifix-shaped dildo and shoves it deep down Jayna‘s throat in an attempt to drive the evil out of her. Haley stays around to help Evan, kissing and undressing Jayna, as well as getting naked herself. I’m not entirely sure how sucking Jayna’s tits is helping to exorcise any evil but Evan’s telling her to do it so it must be working. A mattress is found and thrown on the ground, where Evan eats Jayna‘s and Haley sits on Oso‘s face while she and Evan take turns using the crucifix dildo on Jayna‘s pussy. Jayna, meanwhile, still gets to eat Haley‘s ass; she pokes her tongue in and out of Paige‘s bung in between screams. “Cum all over my hand, Agent of Satan!” Evan screams while four-fingering Jayna before both girls suck his cock and lap at his balls. Evan takes Jayna missionary first with his hand wrapped around her throat while Haley hovers by Oso‘s head, making her keep that crucifix dildo firmly planted in her mouth. Much has been made of Evan‘s condom usage here and to be honest, you can‘t even tell. It‘s no secret that he was condom-only because of his relationship with Jessica Drake and what good Vampire Hunter would screw a vampire with no protection anyway? For those of you that it remains a big deal for, I hear Evan is no longer with Drake and his non-condom work (most notably with Dasha in Zero Tolerance‘s Grand Theft Anal 6) should confirm this. Apparently, the evil still hasn‘t been fucked out of Oso. “I‘ve got to fuck her in the ass, it‘s the only way,“ so Jayna slides her ass down onto Stone reverse cowgirl as Haley looks on. Paige, so far, is being completely overshadowed by Oso. Hopefully, her turn in the spotlight is coming. Of course, no sooner than I wish it, it becomes so. Evan now suddenly senses evil in Haley as well, and of course, the only way to purge it, is to fuck her pussy doggie while plunging a smaller crucifix-shaped dildo in her ass. This was only to prep her hole for his own cock, however, so Evan slides his dick into Haley‘s ass, which she loves. There is still evil in Jayna‘s ass that needs to be fucked out so Evan does just that before jerking off all over Oso‘s backside and into Haley‘s mouth. All that do-gooding made Evan hungry, so he and Haley retreat to her diner for a meal while Jayna, fucked and left lying, hops into the dumpster.



Alicia Rhodes, Shayna Knight and Mason Storm “Open Wide“

Shayna is a patient complaining of experiencing pain in her anus while Alicia and Mason are the nurses who undress her and handle the preliminary examination before the doctor arrives. Once she’s undressed, Storm and Rhodes bend Knight over on all fours, spread her buttcheeks and insert lubricated, latex gloved fingers into her asshole. Shayna‘s face says “enjoyment“ rather than “discomfort.” The doctor, Claudio Meloni, enters the room to offer his medical expertise but Shayna isn‘t really interested in that, it seems, as she pulls him close to suck his cock. A comic book panel-like split-screen is employed while Alicia and Shayna double-team Meloni‘s dick and Mason eats Shayna‘s pussy and dildos her ass. Meloni comes around to fuck Knight spoon on the examination table while Alicia and Mason share a huge black double-headed dildo on the floor. Mason is as attractive as Alicia is nasty which makes you want to watch these two more closely than Claudio and Shayna. Mason and Alicia both insert one end of the dildo into their pussies and Alicia rides it while straddling Mason reverse cowgirl. On the table, Meloni has switched to missionary with Shayna, pounding her pussy relentlessly with one of her legs high on his shoulder. We then cut to Mason lowering herself down onto Meloni reverse cowgirl anal while Shayna puts a speculum into Alicia‘s pussy on the examination table. A little ass-to-mouth head precedes Mason‘s transition to anal cowgirl with Meloni. Now it‘s Alicia‘s turn to have her ass stretched by Meloni. She opts for doggie on the exam table while Mason plays with her tits and Shayna licks Mason‘s pussy and ass. Spying Shayna with her ass in the air eating Mason on the floor, Meloni can‘t resist fucking her one last time before unloading all over Mason‘s mouth, who shares the seed with Shayna and Alicia in a nasty triple kiss. Meloni sends Ms. Knight on her way and out past the other patients in the waiting room (Ms. Tricia Devereaux is out there filling out forms) with strange contraption on her face that‘s connected to a dildo stuck up her ass. Shayna walks gingerly to the front desk to make payment for services rendered.



Taylor Rain “Bar Tramp“
Belladonna isn‘t quite horny enough yet to fuck anyone in the bar but Taylor Rain is. She teases and undresses by her motorcycle until 2005 Best Male Newcummer Tommy Gunn and Steve Hatcher make their way over to fill her mouth with hard cock. Taylor, as always, is a magnificent cock sucker, it doesn‘t matter whether she‘s faced with one, two or twenty. Tommy bends Taylor over her bike to fuck her doggie first while Hatcher stands on the other side ramming his dick in and out of Taylor‘s open mouth. The guys switch places, Hatcher banging doggie while Gunn has his sausage smoked, before Rain wriggles her anus down onto Tommy‘s gun reverse cowgirl. Cowgirl anal with Hatcher is next before we move to doggie anal on the floor with Gunn. It‘s almost comical to see the differences between a new stud like Gunn and the goofy old guard antics of Hatcher. Steve fucks Taylor‘s ass spoon while she blows Gunn. Both men pop on Rain‘s face and she washes it all off by pouring a beer over her neck and tits.



Tiffany Mynx, Roxy Jezel “Dogie Style“

I‘m impressed that Mynx and Jezel can even actually ride real horses. But here they are, plump asses hanging out of the backs of their chaps and bare breasts peeking out from under their denim vests, doing just that when they suddenly spy “human cattle“ grazing on the prairie. When the four naked “cows” catch sight of Tiffany and Roxy they try to make a break for it but they, of course, are no match for these girls‘ wrangling and hog-tying skills. Once all the men are rustled up, the girls slowly torture each of them by sitting on their faces and grinding their pussies on the men‘s crotches; Tiffany even attempts to smother one with her tits. After sampling them all they decide they like Brandon Iron best and bring him into a barn to have their way with him. Neither Roxy nor Tiffany have ever been known for being slouches in the head department so we get their usual amazing oral skills displayed here: Tiffany shares with Roxy in conventional fashion while Jezel gags on Iron‘s tool in a standing sixty-nine. Mynx has always had a way of making head look so good it‘d make a guy on the fence about his sexuality want to give it a try. She makes it look so enjoyable to do, like she’s getting more pleasure from it than the guy she‘s blowing. Go back and check earlier Mynx fare like “Honey, I Blew Everybody“ if you don‘t believe me. Roxy gets fucked first, anal doggie, while Mynx licks her pussy from beneath her, periodically inhaling Iron‘s prick ATOGM when he withdraws. Mynx herself is analized next, spoon, while Jezel frequently gives gagging ATOGM. Mynx, her hair a fiery Kylie Ireland-red, whimpers and shudders while Brandon fills her bung to the brim and Roxy licks her hardened nipples. Next, it’s Roxy’s turn again and she rides the high hard one reverse cowgirl anal like a real cowgirl, her neckerchief and chaps on. Finally, the girls do the ol’ suck-suck-pass thing with Brandon’s cock again until Roxy leaves to heat up a branding iron. When she returns she puts it right on Brandon Iron’s ass and he cums into Mynx’s mouth as she jerks him to completion.

I’m high on this scene as it featured three of my favorite performers working together beautifully and I knew they’d deliver from the minute I knew they shared screen time in this feature. This is my favorite segment thus far but with Belladonna’s scene coming up, that may well be a very temporary phenomena.



Belladonna "Horny Biker Slut"

Finally, the piece de resistance‘. It feels SO good just to type the name “Belladonna“ in a review, it‘s been so long since I‘ve done it. Bella‘s read enough comics and now she‘s ready to go. She undoes her belt buckle, gets out of her jeans and starts undulating her camouflage thong covered ass over a barstool in some of the most amazing footage of this woman‘s ass I‘ve ever had the privilege to see. You‘ll see why, in the commentary, Tricia Devereaux says she was so jealous of the absolutely adorable Bella‘s “arch.” Travis Knight pulls that military motif t-back to one side and buries his face directly INSIDE Bella‘s ass, grabbing huge handfuls of her ass cheeks. He uses his fingers to vigorously fuck her asshole and pussy simultaneously, driving Bella wild while Steve Hatcher looks on. Hatcher, however, doesn‘t just look for long. He joins in the action, licking and smacking at Bella‘s gash while she deep throats and gags on Knight‘s cock. Belladonna is her usual energetic and insatiable self, thrashing about as she rides Travis reverse cowgirl on a pool table while she makes Hatcher‘s dick (who looks like he’s having wood problems) disappear in her mouth. She bounces on Steve just as aggressively anal cowgirl with Knight‘s prick rammed deep down her throat. Bella is so unrestrained here one almost has to wonder if this is genuine or if she has, in fact, become a parody of herself, giving us what she thinks we want to see, what we expect her to do and what‘s she known for rather than just being herself. Just when this thought crosses my mind, Travis Knight works a pool cue into her ass, which tells me I just might be on to something. As he does this, Bella is forcing Hatcher‘s dick balls deep into her face until her eyes water and turn red. Anal doggie with Knight follows and then she rides him cowgirl anal and vadge, the action being filmed from underneath and behind her glorious backside. It‘s been way too long since I‘ve seen Bella grind a dude‘s dick to dust like this, her “Loyalty“ tattoo just visible above her bodacious and bouncing buttocks. Bella‘s in total control of all this action, she‘s just using Knight‘s dick to do her evil bidding. At one point the standing while getting head from her and she literally sucks him off his feet and crashing back down to the leather sofa behind them. That‘s POWER. Travis can only put his hands to his head in disbelief. Some standing reverse cowgirl anal precedes more frantic a2m head. It‘s been all Knight here for a while so I‘m assuming my comments about the MIA Hatcher‘s wood weren‘t that far off. Travis finishes off by drilling Bella in an anal piledriver, shooting his hot load all over her pussy and asshole. Hatcher shows at the end to shoot a phantom load in the same general vicinity. Hatcher‘s flaccid tool was the only thing that kept this double-fucking of a bona fide goddess from being perfect.



Extras:
On disc one we have audio commentary with Belladonna, Tiffany Mynx, Tricia Devereaux and David Crawford which is worth at least TWO listens. Also we have filmographies for each cast member, a cast list, websites and biographies for The Evil Empire, Buttman Magazine and John Stagliano himself. On disc two lies the real meat: a plethora of pre-production material including a first meeting, a production meeting, and featurettes on props and wardrobe, locations and casting (50 minutes total). Also included is The Making of Tales from the Crack (43:13), an extended Taylor Rain tease (1:52), an interview with director John Howard on the last day of shooting (2:00), bloopers (7:25), photo galleries (five separate ones: Star Pixxx broken down by each individual star ranging from 1:30-2:00 apiece, production (10:35), Behind the Scenes (16:17), Casting (6:48) and Artwork from the Crack (4:18), a :30 Romantix novelty stores commercial and two fetish menus ( fetish menu 1: tease, blowjobs, anal, toys and ass play. Fetish menu 2: smothering, cum swapping, ass to mouth and cumshots). These are without a doubt the most extensive amount of interesting extras I‘ve ever seen included with a DVD set next to, of course, Evil Angel‘s own The Fashionistas. I applaud Evil Angel for actually raising the bar on DVD extras and supplements and including real and informative material on the production. Features that provide actual insight like “The Making of Tales from the Crack“ are why I buy DVDs, adult and mainstream. It‘s nice to see someone out there making good use of the format.

What I Liked:
I‘m a fan of anything even remotely original in adult videos. That said, I enjoyed the concept here of making a comic book come to life through live-action sequences, juxtaposing real life with panels from the artwork. The comics theme was kept strong throughout by using panels to give simultaneous views of two different pieces of action at once. The female casting was strong as every woman here was at their best.

What I Disliked:
The one thing somewhat dragging this movie down is the male casting. It was a mish-mash of capable to “why on Earth is this guy here?” male performers, Steve Hatcher being the most obvious let down in not one, but TWO scenes. If these women had something to work with, this flick would‘ve been GREAT instead of just really, really good.

Overall:
I‘d have to say that if you‘re looking for something different in your gonzo, anal-themed porn then pick up Tales… I think they mention it in the commentary but this feature wasn’t even intended to be this anal intensive, it just sort of happened. With Tales…you‘ve got quite a bit of tongue-in-cheek comedy, a variety of comical and hot setups, super-attractive girls having great hardcore sex and a neat concept tying it all together, not to mention a second disc chock full of stuff for porn‘s “behind the scenes“ enthusiasts. A part two seems like a definite no-brainer.

Crucifixio Jones