Virtual Sex With Jesse Jane Review

Starring: Jesse Jane
Directed By: Joone

If ever the citizenry of Greece gets together to pen the sequel to their own mythology, they'd be well served to write the story of Jesse Jane and of how her pussy unleashed upon the world all the wonderful things Pandora's Box did not. And of how one look directly at her body turned men not into stone, but into wood. Or, at least parts of them. Until a fifty foot statue of her is erected among the ruins at the Acropolis, we must settle instead for her naked likeness digitally reproduce on our television screens. And in lieu of worshiping her, I suppose it wouldn't hurt anybody if we just whacked off a little, then fell asleep.

Though the colloquialism is hardly Greek, it's safe to say that Jesse Jane is built like a brick shithouse. With only a handful of projects to her credit, Digital Playground's contract starlet could certainly hit the stratosphere in terms of popularity, given that she's promoted properly and doesn't ration out her appearances too conservatively. Physically, she's the prototypical pornstar: big tits, flat belly, round ass, great legs, and tight. This is a girl who doesn't miss many trips to the gym, and when everything is combined with smokey eyes, a bright smile, and her aggressive sexual attitude...well a star is born.

Yet, despite all she's got going for herself, Virtual Sex with Jesse Jane is a bit dissapointing. How can a girl like her be so praiseworthy, but a DVD all about her not? That's a good question...

How can a girl like Jesse Jane be so praiseworthy, but a DVD all about her not?

While it's true that I'd pay good money to trade places with her gynecologist's finger, I found myself let down by this disc because of its producers attempts to impress me with their technical acuity and not with their star. Why, when a girl is this beautiful, would I want half of my television's real estate taken up with the enormous navigational icons that stay on the screen at all times? Why would I want almost all the buttons on my remote control disabled when the idea of such a product is to give me more control? These problems are not necessary evils of the genre. There are similar products out there (My Plaything, for example), that work around these issues very well.

So, is this a complete waste?

No...not at all. There are parts of this disc that I liked...a lot.

By now we all know how these virtual sex things work. You get to choose from a menu which sex acts you want to watch, and there are some alternate angles thrown in so you can see the same thing from a different perspective. And to tell you the truth, the second angle on the doggie position does more for my heart rate than three hours on a treadmill. She could have spent the entire video eating a turkey sandwich and working a crossword puzzle, and I would have still been aroused. I especially like her attitude when you choose the "naughty" option (as opposed to "innocent"). The dirty talk races from her mouth at a 100 miles an hour, and even if she doesn't always make sense ("I'm going to rub my tits between your cock."), it's a lot of fun.

What's your favorite Johnny Cash song?

That a tie between "Don't Take Your Guns to Town" and "Five Feet High and Rising."

Does Jesse have any horrible tattoos or piercings?

She's got two tattoos that I know of. As with every other female pornstar in the business, she was issued some crescent shaped thing just above her tailbone. And she has a small one just below her panty line. Apparently, Digital Playground was frightened by the smaller of the two on account of it looking remarkably similar to Playboy's bunny logo. Throughout the video it's digitally blured like a felon's face on America's Most Wanted. It's really quite distracting. And while watching the strip tease segments (she narrates one with stories from her sexual past), the tattoo blur and bad video effects reminded of MTV's early days.

Ah, the early days of MTV. Who would you have rather nailed, Nina Blackwood or Martha Quinn?

Oh, Nina Blackwood. Don't even have to think about it. But I'd do Martha Quinn, too, just so I could tell my friends what I'd done.

Does this video have any DP, DAP, RAC, A2M, A2OGM, P2M, IR, CIA, FBI, XML, WYSIWYG, or Riboflavin?

Come on, you're just making some of that shit up. What you get on this disc are a couple of strip teases, some masturbation, missionary, cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, titty fucking, blowjobs, and tits & ass massage. Nothing goes into, or comes out of, anybody's ass. And there's one other thing you won't find on this video, and that's extras. You get nothing for free.

Titty Fucking? Isn't that new?

If I am to believe the back of the DVD case (and why wouldn't I?), it is. The tit and ass massage feature is also new to this line of sex simulators. If you like to see an incredibly sexy woman have her tits and ass kneaded like ball of bread dough, then you'll like this. I've nothing against it, but it's all kind of mechanical.

Would you recommend Virtual Sex with Jesse Jane to your friends who like to masturbate?

I'd recommend it to my friends who like to masturbate and have $25 with nothing better to spend it on. I wanted to like this DVD so much because I'm so in lust with its star. Seriously, I'm considering putting her picture on top of my Christmas tree instead of an angel, and celebrating her birthday instead of Jesus'. But because of the lack of control the producers gave me, the poor video quality during the strip tease segments, and the absence of significant extras, I'm going to withold my reccomendation from those who only want the very most from their porn dollar.

After watching this DVD will I feel lightheaded, drowsy, and the need to wash my right hand?

That would depend on how much you like Jesse Jane. If you really like her as much as I do, it probably will. Then again, if you like her as much as I do, I'd suggest you spend your money on Beat the Devil, instead. It's a feature starring Jesse Jane, and in my opinion, it's a lot sexier.