Vampirass Review

Reviewed by astroknight  on  2/8/2008

The Little Details

Running Time: 82 min.

Production Date: 1993

Director: Ethan Marc's

Cast: Ashley Dunn, Cameo, Gail Force, Madison, Teddi Austin, Don Fernando, Ted Wilson, and Tom Chapman

The Short Story

Initial Expectations: I can't help but expect this one to suck (and not in the vampire way), but with Madison and Cameo in it I can't help but be drawn into it.

Initial Reaction: It sucks beyond belief (and not in the vampire way).

Who Should Watch It : Prison inmates who misbehave

Who Should Avoid It: Anybody who possibly can

The Technical Stuff

Audio /Video Quality: The technical aspects are weak. The audio is a bit muffled here and there, but at least it's pretty well balanced. The video is presented in the full frame format and also falls short. It's often dark and often made me want a slightly different angle.

Music: The music is every bit as poor as one should expect from the early nineties. It's cheesy and overbearing, and never does anything to help out the movie.

False Advertising: Brandy Blaxx is listed on the cover, but doesn't appear in the movie. According to the IAFD, this was Brandy's only movie, although she's listed in the opening credits, Cameo isn't. If not for Cameo being active for several years before this release I'd think Brandy Blaxx would be an alias, but now it just plain looks like a screw up. Maybe she's the chick on the cover, as nobody appears to look like that in the movie and there's nothing close to that scene in it. I'm deducting a half point from the overall score because of this.

Menus: The main menu flips through a few clips from the movie before settling in on a partial shot of the cover with a little background animation for an okay first impression. The chapter menu is very generic, and lets you choose a scene just based on a small clip of each scene and a scene number.

The Feature

Gail is trying to sell a house that used to belong to a friend who went missing. When a mutual friend is interested in the house, they notice strange things seem to start happening around them.

Scene 1 – Gail Force

Bottle blonde Gail starts things out on the phone before getting up to play with her pussy through her crotchless black pantyhose. She drops her top to play with her tits a bit, and keeps playing with her pussy using her fingers and a large white vibrator after turning around and bending over a bit. Gail also sits back on her desk to play with herself before kicking back in her chair looking done with herself either because she got what she needed or just got bored with herself.

This is a forgettable solo scene. Gail isn't bad looking and has a decent body, but she never seems to get into working herself over at all. Every move or moan seems to be there just for the camera, and although there is a little decent eye candy, there's not a lot of it. This scene starts Vampirass off on a very low note.

Scene 2 – Teddi Austin, Don Fernando, and Tom Chapman

When Tom tells Teddi he wants to show Don how lucky he is, she lets him know that she'll do anything for him and strips off her top and lies back on a couch for them to suck her tits. Don moves down to lick and finger her pussy as she and Tom kiss, and then strips down so he can fuck Teddi in missionary and doggie while she sucks Tom's cock. She rides Don cowgirl style before Tom joins in from behind so they can DP her, and then lies back and gives the guys a little more sucking so the guys can pop on her face and tits.

This is an okay at best scene. Teddi is cute and has a nice body, and takes the cocks in each of her holes quite nicely. The scene is also very dark and there's nothing close to a spark to take the scene from behind okay to good or beyond. This scene was an improvement over the opening scene, but that isn't saying much.

Scene 3 – Ashley Dunn, Gail Force, and Ted Williams

As Gail shows brunette Ashley and her bodyguard Ted around the house, they get to the bedroom where Ashley yells at him for not watching her body and throws him on the bed where they start to kiss him. Ashley drops down to start sucking his cock, and soon after they're working the oral love all around with the girls playing with each other as well as Gail riding Ted's tongue. Ashley lies back for Tom to eat her pussy while Gail sucks her tits before he moves over to tongue and finger Gail. Ashley gets in the middle to suck Ted's cock as Gail works on her from behind and then comes up to help work on Ted's tool. Ted fucks Gail doggie style as Ashley watches from below, and then pops on her ass without ever fucking Ashley.

This scene leaves plenty to be desired. It's overly long at about fifteen minutes, and with only two of those fifteen being fucking it's overly focused on the oral action. The chemistry isn't too strong between Ted and the girls, and the girls seem to be more interested in each other than him. This scene just didn't cut it.

Scene 4 – Ashley Dunn, Gail Force, and Teddi Austin

Ashley gets it on with Teddi next, but before they can get started they catch Gail peeking on them and invite her in to play with them. They kiss her tits before quickly moving down to tease her pussy. The girls focus on Teddi's tits next, and Gail steps off to watch as Teddi fingers Ashley. She joins back in to team up with Ashley in fingering and licking Teddi's holes before Ashley moves off so Gail can fuck Teddi with a strap-on missionary and reverse cowgirl style. Ashley moves back it so she and Gail can DP Teddi with their toys while Gail also fingers her. They also DP Teddi in cowgirl before finishing things up with a little kissing.

This is another below average scene. There's a hint of a fun feeling to start the scene, but it quickly disappears. Throw in low lighting and a “good thing we're getting paid for this” attitude, and this scene ends up as another dud.

Scene 5 – Madison and Tom Chapman

Madison, wearing a black robe, and Tom start out with a little lizard kissing in the basement before she helps him out of his bikini briefs so she can suck his cock. Madison teases him with her tits as she sucks him, and after a bit, moves up to ride his tongue while putting out plenty of vocals. She moves back down to ride him cowgirl style before laying back for him to fuck her missionary style while he works in a little boot worship. Finally, Madison drops down to take a nice pop across her face.

This scene doesn't quite make it to the average level. Madison is energetic and vocal, but once again there's nothing close to a spark for the scene and the very dark lighting makes it even harder to care about it. This is another dud, even with a star as reliable as Madison.

Scene 6 – Cameo and Don Fernando

As Ashley and Gail chant incantations behind them, Don lays back for Cameo to suck his cock. She lays back for him to fuck her missionary style as well as getting on all fours for some doggie fucking. Finally, Cameo takes a facial finish.

To just call this scene forgettable might be the best thing one can say about it. There's a little chemistry between Cameo and Don, but the camera seems like it's as much concerned with the girls chanting behind them as it is with Cameo and Don. This is another dud of a scene.

Vampirass isn't just bad, it's painfully bad. The sex is almost always overly dark and there's never any real chemistry to the scenes. The camera work never seems to care about what it's capturing, and the only way that all but the last thirty seconds of the movie has to do with vampires is because it sucks more than a football stadium full of nosferatu. Nothing leading up to that last thirty seconds comes close to being good, but that last thirty seconds takes the movie from bad to so bad that even Uwe Boll would have to wince at it. If the lack of a vampire theme isn't enough, there's also an extreme lack of the anal sex that a title like VampirASS suggests. Teddi Austin is the only girl to take more than a finger in the ass, once for a DP with two guys and once for a DP with two girls, with neither scene being that impressive. Vampirass should have had a wooden stake driven through it long before it ever made it to DVD.

The Extra Stuff

The photo gallery lasts just over a minute with about six seconds per cropped photo or full screen capture. Trailers are included for Cookies & MILF 2, More Than a Woman, Barely Legal Christmas, Bitches in Heat 4, Real College Girls 14, Taboo: On the Edge, and Not the Bradys XXX. There's also plenty of commercials.

The Down -n- Dirty Sex Stuff

Themes: Straight, masturbation, toys, group, anal, DP, lesbian, and toys

Raincoat Factor: Medium low

Condom Usage: Between Tom Chapman and Teddi Austin

The Bottom Line:

Currently, many of VCA's Classic Gold DVDs can be found online for between about $10 and $25 with a few stores offering them near the low end. Don't even think about paying that much for this one. The movie is dumb and the sex is bad. The technical aspects are weak and there's no effort put into the extras. This is a bad movie on a poor DVD.

Note to VCA: Seriously, you couldn't find a better movie in your vaults to put on DVD than this???????

If you have any questions or comments, please e-mail me .

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