This Ain't Die Hard XXX (Blu-Ray) Review
Hustler
Studio: Hustler
Category: Feature film , High Definition
Directed by: Stuart Canterbury
Starring: Billy Glide, Tommy Gunn, Kimberly Kane, Derrick Pierce, Capri Cavanni, Brooklyn Lee, Leilani Leeanne, Holly Taylor
Released on: 4/16/2013
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Reviewer's Note:
Although this is a two disc Blu-Ray release, the second disc was a 3D version that I'm assuming is for true 3D systems as it did not come with the blue / red 3D glasses like most Hustler 3D releases I've watched. I do not have the capability to watch these releases and therefore am not including any comments on the second disc. I also had some problems playing the 2D Blu-Ray. My PS3 would play it without a problem, but my laptop would not recognize the disc. For this reason there are no screen captures in this review, and obviously those who use a computer to view their Blu-Rays might want to be more than a little careful with this release.
Running Time:
105 min.
Production Date:
11 / 15 / 2012
Director:
Stuart Canterbury
Cast:
Brooklyn Lee, Capri Cavanni, Holly Taylor, Kimberly Kane, and Leilani Leeane
with
Billy Glide, Derrick Pierce, Some Dude, and Tommy Gunn
and
Phoenix Marie, Sasha Heart, and more in non-sex roles
Audio /Video Quality:
The technical aspects are very nicely done. The audio is clear and well balanced and I didn't notice any background noises. The video is presented in anamorphic widescreen and looks very nice. It's clear with nice lighting and solid care towards the camerawork.
The Movie:
When Kimberly Kane and her team of international terrorists take over the Hustler building at Christmastime going after all those porno dollars, they don't expect Derrick Pierce to be running around with his own automatic weapon. Naturally Derrick throws a few bullets, wisecracks, and a bit of genetic juice around as he interferes with her plans.
| Scene 1 – Holly Taylor and Billy Glide |
Bottle blonde Holly lets “Santa” Billy know she's been a very bad girl as she sits on his lap before dropping down to eat his meat. She rides him cowgirl style and give shim a little more head before sliding her bald beaver back on his big bone reverse cowgirl style. Billy lets her wear his Santa hat as he plows her from behind with Holly giving him her best Lauren Graham “Fuck Me Santa”, and finally lets her have his nutty goodness on her pierced titties.
| Scene 2 – Kimberly Kane and Tommy Gunn |
After Tommy tries to cut a deal with Kimberly, she kisses him and drives his head down between her legs to eat her box as she sits back on a desk. She helps Tommy out of his pants to submissively suck his cock laying back with her head hanging off the desk and then rolls over so he can fuck her missionary style. Kimberly spreads her cheeks for Tommy as she turns around to let him fuck her pussy from behind over the desk and then sucks his cock before riding it reverse cowgirl style when he sits back in a nearby chair. Kimberly gives Tommy some nice trash talk as she rides him, and finally takes his testicular treats on her bush.
| Scene 3 – Capri Cavanni |
When hot brunette Capri is supposed to pack away the money they stole from the vault, she takes a bit of time to roll around in it on a desk while playing with herself. She rubs her nub through her black panties before snaking a hand inside and pulling down her bra to rub her titties. Capri grabs a nearby box to try out the vibrator inside with the help of a little readily available lube. She strips down and sucks the toy as she goes before getting back to playing with herself naturally. Capri brings back the toy to fuck her pussy a bit more as she bends over the table, and also works on both her holes manually. Finally her time is interrupted by Derrick's arrival.
| Scene 4 – Leilani Leeane and Some Dude |
Cop Leilani keeps FBI agent Some busy to distract him from what's going on in the Hustler building. She drops down to eat his meat before laying back on her squad car so he can lick and finger her pussy in return. Leilani bends over the hood for Some to fuck her from behind and then lays back on it for some missionary work. Finally Some pulls out and busts a nut on Leilani's pussy.
| Scene 5 – Brooklyn Lee and Derrick Pierce |
Finally Derrick gets busy with his “wife” Brooklyn on the rooftop. He kisses her softly as he helps her strip down and lays her back on a roof vent to kiss his way across her body. Derrick eats her pussy as she lays back on the vent, and then sits back on it himself so she can suck and stroke him in reciprocation. Brooklyn gets up to ride him cowgirl style and then gets on all fours so Derrick can eat and fuck her from behind. She gives him some nice vocal encouragement and then gets back on her back so he can eat her and fuck her missionary style. Finally Derrick pulls out and lets Brooklyn have a nice pop on her pussy.
This Ain't Die Hard XXX is a great example of why a lot of people hate porn parodies. The story is a mess, and seems to randomly grab sequences from the original classic to throw them together here. There's huge jumps in the story with nothing to connect them and very little chemistry among the players in the plot sequences. It stands out all the more by having Derrick Pierce and Kimberly Kane as the leads. Normally Kimberly and Derrick are more than solid when it comes to acting, but here they seem all but wasted and forced in their roles. The only thing nice I can really say about the story portion of this release is that the green screen effects are done quite well. There was also a nice bit of humor with everything happening in the Flynt building with Kimberly and her girls going after the big porno dollars. The sex is a little better, but not a lot. There's some okay chemistry in the scenes, and they're captured pretty decently. I think Capri's solo scene might have been my favorite as she looked like she was having some nice fun with it, but there's nothing about the sex that ever gets much beyond the average mark. The sad thing is that watching This Ain't Die Hard XXX shows that Die Hard actually had some nice potential as a porn parody. I'm not sure it would have taken fifteen minutes to connect the dots in the story, and it would have had the potential to take this from behind a dud of a parody to being a recommended one. This Ain't Die Hard XXX should be an easy porn parody to pass by.
The Extras:
The extras are a bit sparse if one looks beyond the 3D aspect. You get a behind the scenes featurette, six trailers, a slide show lasting about five and a half minutes. As this is a Hustler release, you also get plenty of commercials.
The behind the scenes featurette lasts about ten and a half minutes. This is a pretty standard behind the scenes featurette. You get most of the cast talking about their roles in the movie amidst numerous clips of the movie being shot. Derrick and Capri do most of the talking, and both come off very well. This is a decent behind the scenes featurette and adds a bit to the overall release.
Condom Usage:
None
Final Thoughts:
Skip it.
Note to Hustler:
If you can't do it right, then please don't do it.
If you have any questions or comments, please e-mail me.
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