Teens In Toyland (Metro) Review

Reviewed by Tongue in Groove  on  4/7/2004

I have been renting and buying porn for nearly 30 years. I usually make a decision on which titles to get by the actresses in the cast list. I have never acquired smut based on the actors involved. I do, however, avoid certain flicks when guys like Pat Myne are involved. I had Metro’s “Teens in Toyland” fall into my lap the other day and thought I’d give Pat another try. Mistake # 1! Back to him later.

Britney Foster directs this amateurish attempt at erotica. It must be her first directorial effort. She interviews the girls as they play, first with toys, then with real male cocks. Her questions come right out of junior high bathroom talk. “Do you like playing with yourself?” “Does that feel good?” Do you enjoy sucking cock?” Totally amateur and obnoxious!

Taylor Rain is a brown-haired beauty forced to endure (along with us) Britney’s inane questions until she and Joey Ray start fucking. She’s a piece of sexual dynamite and appears to be having a great time until Britney starts asking questions again. “How’s that feel?” Arrrgh! After some anal and A2M, Joey delivers a nice load to Taylor’s waiting mouth.

Asian Sabrine Maui used to be cute as hell, but three years in porn have taken their toll on her face and body. Dillon Day abuses her with toys in every hole before fucking her bald beaver and coming on her mug.

Temptation has always been an enigma to me. Blessed with a pretty face and a fantastic, slim, body, she chose to get bolt-ons and an ugly tailbone tat a while back . She usually gives a less-than-enthusiastic blowjob (although who could blame her when it’s Lee Stone’s huge cock?) and seems to go through the motions during the sex. Lee tries to steal the show (not too tough here) by showing off his pecs and doing not one, not two, but three standing positions while Temptation holds on for dear life. After banging her shaved slit, Lee drops his guy goo on her open mouth.

Nyomi Marcella is another Asian, not nearly as cute as Sabine. Her romp with Marc Davis is totally forgettable and ends with a facial.

And here comes Pat! He believes he is the star of every scene, not the pretty girl he’s paired with. Britney comes out from behind the camera to be completely abused by this nitwit. Well, it’s her movie, so no compassion here. He tries to reach her toes with his cock by shoving it down her throat. Then he sticks a dildo into her mouth alongside his dick. Oh yeah, that must make it feel better, Pat! He inserts dildos into every orifice in her body during the romp. And he employs that time-tested porn cliché, the old in-out. I swear, this guy can’t leave his cock inside a girl for more than four strokes without having to pull it out for him to admire. He pulls her hair. He pulls a dildo out of her ass and sticks it in her mouth, an act later repeated with his dick. Britney has her short blond hair in pigtails and doesn’t seem to be enjoying any of Pat’s escapades. The facial is anti-climatic after all the idiocy.

My one satisfaction after watching this crap was that I didn’t pay for it. With two hotties (Taylor and Temptation) and a semi-cute Britney, this could have been a great flick. Instead, it is easily the most unwatchable porno I’ve viewed in many years. Of course with Britney as the director and Pat as the producer, what else would you expect?