Surfboys Taken Downunder Review

Reviewed by Joe Shaver  on  5/25/2005

How, you may ask, can I give 4 stars for the performers' looks and only ½ a star to the film as a whole? Because this is the most irritating film I have ever seen. It had everything going for it: handsome guys, a spectacular locale. But it also had something else: a director who fucked it up. What a tragedy!

Mike Esser began his career doing soft porn—the only kind that was allowed in Britain at the time. As a result he still directs as if this is what he’s doing. There are scads of double exposures, jump cuts, cross-fades, and much editing and camera-play. Actually these occur every 4 seconds! I actually counted and every 4 seconds something happened to the picture. EVERY 4 SECONDS! I began to feel woozy. Soon I even experienced motion sickness and acquired a headache. Anyone with epilepsy should definitely avoid this film, as it will certainly trigger a seizure. It’s like trying to watch sex under a strobe light.

There’s a bit of a plot, if you can follow it though all the blips and fades and double exposures. Young Rory has come to Australia. He wanders first into a photo shoot where Josh—a handsome blond—is posing for Jake—a hunky photographer—in the surf. After Rory passes by Jake asks Josh to pose nude and slips him more money to do so. Soon they are both rolling naked in the surf. For nearly ten minutes we’ve watched a typical Esser softcore film, so it’s a bit surprising to see Josh with Jake’s cock in his mouth. That is, when we can see it through all the double exposures, etc. (every 4 seconds). We simply can’t get involved in what’s going on. Now a little bravura on the part of a director is okay, but it just doesn’t stop. There’s no restraint. It’s madness! There’s even a double exposure during the cum shot!!!!!

Next we find two surfers (glimpsed through more double exposures) they also move in slow-mo. Rory comes upon them having sex and they invite him to join them. At this point I see in my notes that I wrote: OH, GOD! I’M SO SICK OF THESE FUCKING DOUBLE EXPOSURES. I’LL NEVER GET A HARD-ON WATCHING THIS! I FEEL ILL!

And so it goes though every scene. Every 4 seconds. Most of us have a 10 second attention span. Is Esser’s only 4?

Even after Rory returns home to London and is having sex with his lover in a bedroom. EVERY 4 SECONDS!

Esser needs to stop all this silly self-indulgence. He forgot—if he ever knew—that sex is the main thing in these films. It’s possible that if he looked at his footage and re-presented it without all the horseshit, he might have a watchable—even good film. But, before he directs another, he should watch Gorge, or Kostas’ Friends, or any number of films that photograph men having sex in spectacular surroundings. He might learn then how it should be done. Until then, Australia (or any other country) should deny him entry.