Start Me Up Review

Title: Start Me Up
Released by: Erotic Media

"Start Me Up" is one of those simple theme-driven fantasy videos along the lines of Michael Ninn, although this thankfully doesn’t really go all-out into the "artistic porn" category.

Although made in Europe, this video can be viewed anywhere because there’s no dialog at all. No lines to badly dub into English, no emotions to convey, no plots to complicate. Everything is done to a nice hypnotic techno beat. Unfortunately, that also means that you can’t hear the actors enjoying themselves. I suppose you have to take the bad with the good.

Our visual odyssey begins with a little two-seater European car pulling into a huge garage. The guy gets out of the compact car and heads upstairs into the office to meet with the boss. She silently gestures him to have a seat and wait while she finishes with her phone call.

Back downstairs, the girl gets out of the car to stretch her legs and read a magazine. The mechanic working underneath a nearby car notices her and visually checks her out as she leans back against the hood of the car. He goes to get up so he can talk to her, but he stupidly bangs his head against the underside of the vehicle and knocks himself out.

Thus we go into the dream…. He’s there with the girl, who is now dressed in some naughty lingerie, and they’re engaged in some foreplay alongside an expensive luxury convertible… one of those show vehicles that you would see in a parade with the top down and some stuffy politician or B-movie celebrity sitting in the back waiving to the crowd. He kisses her and caresses her and play with her pussy through her panties. She returns the favor by undressing him and sucking his cock. There’s a lot of blurring and slow-motion effects as she sucks him off. Then he puts her in the back seat, pulls her panties aside, and fucks her in missionary position. Again, more blurring and slow-motion. We go from missionary to doggie-style, then back to missionary for some oral stimulation on her, then we have a heavily blurred segway into cowgirl, reverse-cowgirl, and then we finish with her jerking him off and him blowing his load all over her face. And of course right after that, he wakes up, feeling as stupid as he looks.

Going back upstairs, we have the driver still waiting in the office for the boss, who is still on the phone. Don’t know what she’s waiting for, though. Must not be important, because she’s able to daydream.

And thus through her eye, we see the daydream unfold… he comes up behind her in the chair and starts to caress her, slowly undoing her shirt and pulling down her bra so he can get his hands on her boobs, and then fingering her through her white panties. He turns around to get a taste of her, then we flash into a scene of him on the desk, with her exploring his body, pulling aside his clothes, and sucking his cock as she fingers herself. They change places, and he fucks her on the desk. He spins her around and with her ponytail removed, he fucks her doggie-style. After some vigorous pumping, he sticks his cock in her ass and slows the pace down a bit. It finishes much like with the earlier dream sequence, with her jerking him off all over her face. This scene was a whole lot better than the first sex scene, noticeably because there’s no slow motion or blurring effects to annoy the viewer. Too bad they just couldn’t do something about that stupid goofy look on the guy’s face as he’s climaxing.

With the daydream over, we find that she was drawing a picture of a dripping cock on her spreadsheets. She wakes up from her daydream to realize what she’s been doing and quickly finishes her call. She hands him a business card, and that’s the end of the scene.

Later that night, we see the bumbling mechanic again, only this time he’s doing some outside maintenance of another vehicle. (Well at least he’s not UNDER the vehicle again!) As he checking the car’s oil levels, he peers inside the windows of a nearby house to see two beautiful women watching a porno movie. The blonde girl is watching the movie, while the brunette is busy looking at the blonde.

This segways into a fantasy of the mechanic with the blonde girl at the top of a nice circling stairwell. She’s now wearing a black robe with black fishnet gown underneath… he’s still in his jeans and sleeveless tee. He plays with her big boobs through the fishnet, she returns the favor by undressing him and sucking him off. After getting him good and hard, she lets him boob-fuck her between her beautiful natural boobs. He stands her up, peels off her panties, and gets her wet for a while before sticking his cock in for some standing-sex. He turns her around and leans her over the banister for some doggie action. This goes on for a while, with him demonstrating his swordsmanship repeatedly. Then we delve into some "artistic" crap… slow motion, black-and-white cut-scenes… before we see him stick his cock out of her pussy and stick it in her ass. This segways into them on the top step, with her sitting on top of him in reverse-anal cowgirl position. She turns around and makes it anal cowgirl, culminating with her jerking him off all over the top of her chest. All in all, not too bad of a fantasy if they could just get rid of the "artistic" crap.

Well we saw what the mechanic wanted to do with the blonde beauty. Let’s see what the brunette wanted to do with her…

Quick segway into the two of them kissing in the study. They kiss and fondle and undress each other. Then they’re on the sofa, licking and finger-fucking each other, until finally they end up embracing and kissing each other. A relatively quick scene, and this reviewer has to wonder what the hell the director was doing putting this one in. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind seeing more of the lovely blonde, especially without her fishnet lingerie, but this scene is too quick and it doesn’t even bother to fade back into the original scene with the bumbling mechanic looking in on them.

Instead we morph into the last scene in this video, which is of a woman in a very sexy black widow outfit playing pool while a guy is busy playing pinball. Yes, you have to wonder WHY this scene is being thrown in because it doesn’t look like it has anything to do with the car "theme" of this video. Oh, but wait, the pinball machine has a picture of a car, so I guess that’s okay.

Well our pool-playing babe clears the table and then ponders if there’s another stick that she should be playing with. She lays out on the table to get his attention, but our pinball wizard is playing blind, deaf, and dumb, man. She starts stroking the pool stick, which suddenly morphs into a real dick. Wow! She’s good! Not only did she get his attention, but she got him naked and hard too! She takes him into her mouth and sucks on him in earnest. They trade places and he returns the favor by finger-fucking and licking her. He stands, up lines his cock up, and takes her right on the table, showing off his swordsmanship by pulling his cock out repeatedly and re-inserting it. He spins her around and they go at it doggie-style over the table. They go at this for a while, and it looks like she’s loving every minute of it. They move the action to the couch, and she rides him cowgirl-style. They finish this with her sucking and jerking him to climax in her mouth. Grateful for the pause, he turns around to finish his game, and we go right to the credits.

In terms of extras, there are some slim pickings. We have the "cumshot" feature, which takes you only the cumshots of each scene, we have a single-page promo for www.pureplaymedia.com, we have a quick video push for DVD producer Pixell, we have a silent photo gallery… oh, and we have the scene selection, which really isn’t much. You would think with their obsession with techno music that they would put some into the photo gallery as well.

All in all, folks, this is only good if you like so-called "artistic" porn, which this reviewer does not care for. The women are easy on the eyes (especially the longhaired blonde Rita Faltoyano), the guys aren’t too bad, the music is good, but the lack of audio from the particiapants in the heat of it all, plus the lack of a cohesive theme, takes away from the quality. I’m probably being generous by saying it’s worth getting it under $8. A more accurate value would be under $5.