Secret Agent 69 Review

Running Time: approx. 100 min.

Production Date: 6/23/99, 9/12/99, 3/12/00

Director: Father John

Cast: Jill Kelly, Temptress, Julie Meadows, Charlene Aspen, Brigette Kerkove, Barrett Moore, Kristen, Dayton Rains, Daisy Chain, Marc Davis, Julian, Brick Majors, Brian Surewood, Dillion Day, and Dominic

Initial Expectations: I've never seen a Knob / Ryder release, so I didn't really know what to expect. Some of the cast is recognizable, but the lack of extras doesn't give me a lot of hope.

Initial Reaction: The movie is almost okay, but the DVD as a whole is greatly lacking.

Who Should Watch It : Anybody looking for really cheap porn

Who Should Avoid It: Anybody wanting a DVD that looked like it was made by somebody with at least a double digit IQ

Audio /Video Quality: There's a few spots with some dubbing, but they're not overly noticeable. There's a lot of grain to the picture. It doesn't really detract that much from the movie as the camera work leaves a lot to be desired. There's a lot of problems with lighting in most of the scenes.

Music: The music has a kind of 70's spy feel to it. It really fits the movie well.

Disc Problems, Complaints and FALSE ADVERTISING: NO TIME CODE!!!!! Also, there isn't a photo gallery as listed on the cover.

The Feature: I started to get a really bad feeling when a) the disc didn't have the photo gallery that the cover claimed, b) NO TIME CODE, and c) the movie had a slightly different title. According to the movie, I was watching Agent 69. It's minor, but I never get a good feeling when they can't even agree on the title. To make everybody happy, from know on I'll refer to the movie as possibly Secret, Agent 69, since I have no idea which it's supposed to be.

Possibly Secret, Agent 69 is the story of Agent 69, played by Jill Kelly. Julian introduces Agent 69 and gives us a little background on her. She's been one of the country's top spies for the last decade and has never been photographed. 69 has come out of hiding now to promote the new book that she wrote in order to pay for insurance on the new Ferrari she wants. Unfortunately, I can't give the names of most of the cast since I haven't seen most of them and there aren't real credits at the beginning or end of the movie.

First, 69 tells us of sex between agents, such as Agent 96 (Julie Meadows). We start off with a fairly cheesy action sequence with guys running around in broad daylight in jet black and ski masks. 96 rushes in to save the day in a pretty cheesy action sequence that to call B - movie quality would be a compliment. The male agent then thanks her properly for saving him in a very average scene putting the office to full use. The highlight of the scene, and probably the movie also is Julie Meadows. Julie Meadows has been a favorite of mine since I first saw her. She's a really cute bleached blonde with slightly enhanced breasts. Most importantly, she shows more enthusiasm for doing her job than almost any other three porn starlets put together. She's also a extreme squeaker. I'm pretty sure that even dolphins can enjoy her performance. If she'd add a few clicks here and there, I'd swear she was a dolphin. Maybe she can even open a new market, as dolphins are the only other animal to have sex for fun. Why shouldn't they enjoy porn too? I had some hope for the movie as it looked like they were going to mix the sex scenes with some fun action and plot sequences. Unfortunately, this is about it for plot in the movie with the exception of Jill Kelly's lead ins.

Next, Agent 69 tells us of sex between enemy agents. Agent 77 (no clue who she is) tried torturing enemy agent Charlene Aspen for information, but instead it turns into a lesbian affair. It starts off pretty good with Charlene handcuffed in the chair and 77 lightly whipping her. The bondage doesn't last long, and the scene turns into a typical lesbian scene. There's a lot of toy use in the scene, but it doesn't carry the initial momentum of the scene. The best thing in the scene is the casting of Agent 77. She seems like a perfect torturer with a lot of tattoos and her pierced nipples and clit. It's obvious that she must get some pleasure from pain. I can just imagine her interviewing for the torturer job. Boss: "You've never done this before. Why do you think you're qualified for the job?". Babe: "Check this out." (removes clothes). Boss:"You're hired.".

Agent 69 then tells of the down side of the secret agent biz. Agent 006 (Temptress) once had to rescue the governor's daughter from a sex slave ring led by a crazy Brit (Mark Davis). The only way she could rescue the daughter was to watch the Brit fuck her since that's the only time he wasn't carrying a gun. Apparently they haven't discovered the concept of snipers yet or couldn't think of anything better for a group sex plot idea. We start out in what looks like somebody's basement and two girls working over Mark Davis. The girls don't give much attention to each other. As a group sex scene, the scene is pretty average. I will give Father John credit as he at least tried to cast somebody who'd fit the younger mold of the governor's daughter on the basis of many 19 year old girl videos. There were so many pimples on the girl's ass that I thought the Brit might have tortured her by spraying sugar water all over her rear end and leaving her tied to a tree in an area with a lot of mosquitos. Midway through the scene, Agent 006 arrives and watches the girls and Mark. She never takes part, but sits across the room and masturbates while she watches. As soon as Mark gives the girls a double facial, she pulls her gun and takes the daughter. That's right all you James Bond, Jr.'s out there. The down side of the secret agent biz is that sometimes you have to watch people fuck before pulling out your gun and rescuing them.

Yes, the secret agent business is not easy. Especially when it comes to capturing enemy agents. Enemy Agent 'Suck-the-cock' was one of the hardest to capture. He's a master of disguise who can change his appearance and weight faster than a teenage girl changes outfits in the changing room at the mall. The only way you know it's him is he always chants "suck the cock" while having sex. I have to admit, I would have never guessed this guy was an enemy agent. He looked like some skinhead reject to me. Bleached blonde crew cut hair, tattoos over ninety percent of his body (I assume they're real since if they're temporary he'd have pretty much every one in existence and I didn't see any Flintstones on his body), and a knee brace just wouldn't make me think enemy agent. Then again, I wouldn't think of the Dayton Rains, playing a bar wench (sorry if you're offended reading this ladies, but trust me, it fits) that according to her fingernails, hasn't really washed her hands since the last time Al Gore told the truth, to be a friendly agent. Luckily they met at a bar with sleeping bags on the floor so they can comfortably bump uglies. This scene seemed so ridiculous at times that I couldn't help but laugh throughout most of it. If it weren't for the enthusiasm Dayton brought to the scene, it would have really sucked. As it is, it just mildly sucks.

Agent 69 informs us that secret agents also have to do double penetrations some times. Nope. No spy talk this time. One agent (Brigette Kerkove) was posing as a stripper at a club (the same one we just left) and had to take on two enemy agents at once in order to hold their trust. I know I'm getting older, but I've never remember hearing anybody refer to that as a guy's 'trust'. If this is some new teenage lingo, I hope somebody lets me know soon in case one of them asks me to 'trust' them. The scene itself isn't that bad. The Brigette is better than average looking, and does a good job in the scene.

Finally, the interview is concluded. Jill decides that since he's plugged her book so well, he should get to plug her as a thank you. This is the first time we get a decent look at Jill. I think that it's intentionally our first look, but with the lighting in the warehouse it's hard to tell. Jill looks really good and could easily double as one of Dr. Evil's fem-bots. This scene was a pretty average scene with all the action taking place on the table where the interview was just concluded. Jill and Julian do a good job with the scene, but the lack of lighting really ruins the scene.

Believe it or not, possibly Secret, Agent 69 has quite a few problems, outside of a blowing what could have been a fun plot. I've already mentioned the lack of a time code, not being able to agree on the title, and the missing extra features. On to some new stuff. Although the audio isn't the best, the biggest problem is the camera work and lighting. There are parts of some scenes, most noticeably the final scene between Jill and Julian, where you can't even see what's going on. In the scene with Jill and Julian when they 69 you can only see from their necks down to their waists. Everything else is obscured in shadows. Throughout the movie, the lighting seems to change and the colors change due to the lighting changes. It really makes the movie look half assed.

I have three guesses as to why the camera work is why it is. Guess #1 - Father John is blind. Although possible, this doesn't seem too realistic. If this is the explanation, however, I applaud Knob / Ryder for their hiring of disabled people. Guess #2 - Father John is really a dolphin and they are taking over the porn world, starting with Julie Meadows. Since they're used to operating under water, the above water light is too hard on their eyes. Hence, they add as many shadows as possible so they can comfortably watch porn. I would have probably gone with this explanation, except that I would think that dolphins would insist on at least one bath tub scene. Which leads us to Guess #3 - Father John is one of those people who thinks he's so cool that the sun shines on him 24 hours a day so he wears dark glasses no matter where he is. This seems the most realistic explanation. Hopefully he can get his ego in check so the quality of his movies come up.

I will admit that Knob / Ryder did one positive thing with, possibly Secret, Agent 69. The credits, although they don't list who played any of the characters (another of the minor things that Knob / Ryder didn't do), they do give a bunch of outtakes from the movie. This is as close as it comes to extras here. At least we get a little taste of the cast as people and get an intentional laugh or two.

Extras: Trailers. That's it. The box claims there's a photo gallery, but I couldn't find it.

Themes: Straight, lesbian, anal, DP, tit - fucking, bondage, toys

Raincoat Factor: Very high

Overall: Possibly Secret, Agent 69 starts off looking pretty good with some potential. Unfortunately it loses it before the end of the second scene. Overall, the sex is average at best, but the plot disappears faster than dollar bills in a strip joint. Even worse is that the camera work isn't that good and there's no extras or time code on the movie.

Note to Knob Ryder: At least you can only go up from here.

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