I Love To Lick And Eat His Asshole Review

Reviewed by Feels So Right  on  6/2/2001

Yes, I did intend all those n/a and zero ratings. Granted, I'm not really into analcentric content, but I got this pretty cheap (Thank GOD!!) and I can usually find at least a couple of hot scenes even on a bad disc. My expectations were pretty low, but not even I could have been prepared for this. This is absolutely without a doubt the very worst thing I have ever subjected my DVD player to, and that includes the J.Lo opus "The Cell!" There are so many things that are so wrong with this DVD, I will have to break them down by category.

-The packaging: The font is beyond cheesy, but it still looks somewhat alluring with photo montages of handsome to average looking models demonstrating why this is called "I Love To Lick And Eat His Asshole." The text on the packaging appears to have been written by someone with a loose understanding of the English language and isn't too enlightening (written verbatim including awful grammar and punctuation): "I get chills even writing about a warm, twisting, yet terrifying tongue tornado like taunting me with its predatorial instinct. Munching asshole is the sexiest sexual act on earth. (In our opinion only) And this 4 hour video has plenty of it. EXTREMELY HARDCORE!!!!" Okay, I guess somebody gave the Dutch guy a thesaurus and a bong for that write-up, but you can't judge a book by its cover. The DVD itself is a nice picture disc, which implies that the content may be of decent quality. Why go to all that trouble if you could care less about the content? Right?

-The DVD menu: Here's the first sign of a huge problem. It loads up a fairly ugly image of two clothed torsos grabbing at each others' crotches. And the title on the menu (in a new, cheesier font) announces that this is "I Love To Eat And Lick Ass." Hmmm...guess somebody messed up with the title, but ultimately, not a big deal, right? The scene selections brings up four scenes. Four scenes? In a four hour DVD? That seems odd...

-The "Movie": First off, there are no real credits. We are not given any names, not even fake ones, so I couldn't tell you who any of these guys are, not that you'll likely care. The video looks beyond crappy...It looks like some camcorder thing your neighbor made. Of course, you'd have to be living next door to a CRACK HOUSE to get something this bad. The image is nasty and grainy and the color flickers constantly. What little sound there is sucks more than the entire cast combined.

Scene One Features:
-Four rather ugly guys (one of whom has what appears to be lesions or very bad cuts on his arm- nothing like festering skin to turn me on...bleah!).
-Lots of awkward writhing, rubbing, and sucking.
-Very bad camera work and jumpy editing (and I use the term "editing" loosely).
-Video quality that noticably degrades (who knew it could get worse?) in the final cumshot, followed by some truly lame blurring to end the scene and move to the next.
-Lots of very bad oral and a little anal sex, and absolutely NO ass-licking.
This would seem to contradict the title of the movie, and given a running time of only 18 minutes, it seems hard to believe this will be four hours. Onto scene two...I cringe in terror of what awaits.

Scene Two Features:
-Two guys, who are not only ugly, but speaking French, AND one of whom is BALD. Not like shaved head bald, like Male Pattern Bald!!
-More uninspired oral and all of about a minute and a half of the titular asslicking.
-More horrendous camera work. Apparently, all the camera men are blind. Who am I kidding? Camera MAN.
-What appears to be on-camera drug use. The bald guy sniffs something out of a crack vial before attempting to bottom (it takes three attempts before the drugs have done the job and the other guy finally penetrates him).
-Two very laborious and boring cumshots.
That was 23 minutes I'll never get back. I'm not honestly sure where the new scene starts, since it just happens...I've assumed the fetal position.

Scene Three Features:
-A headless body masturbating, a guy sleeping, an orgy on the couch? What the hell??!! Well, we've got four more unattractive guys. At least they are trying to give the homeless population some work. Let's see...we've got a black guy, another bald guy, and two guys with fluffy hair. Richard Marx' legacy lives on.
-More awkward writhing and blowjobs, but hey, no visible drug use.
-I think the black guy must have had a seizure. We hear some bizarre off-camera breathing and when we next see him, his eyes are glazed over and he appears to be dead through most of the scene. Nobody seems to notice. Maybe it's just really strong chronic. He does finally manage to top one of the fluffy guys but disappears, leaving the other three to masturbate furiously until they finally manage to cum and end the torment.
-Once again, NO ass eating.
After viewing this, I find myself another 27 minutes closer to death, which doesn't seem like such a bad thing at this point.

Scene Four Features:
-Another sudden break into the scene. In all honesty, all hell breaks loose here as this scene is more bizarre and disjointed than any of the others.
-It starts out with the torsos from the menu. There's a good reason they didn't show their heads in that shot. One is terribly unattractive in a really sleazy unwashed way, the other appears to be the first surviving half-man/half- poodle. They do a little groping around and a bit of oral before we're suddenly treated to a close up of thrusting crotches. I have no idea who's top and who's bottom, as their faces are never shown again, mercifully.
-Suddenly, in the middle of this, we get the sleepy guy from the previous scene. Is he dreaming? Who knows? I can't imagine why anyone would dream about such repugnant men, but it's not my fantasy. We then see the guy writhing around a bit on the bed intercut with the uglies bumping uglies. Then we see the body on the bed (again, no face) cum with that horrid blur effect this company can't get enough of.
-Suddenly, we see sleepy guy again, I can't explain why. Then it cuts to the only actor in the entire production who actually has a pretty decent body and wouldn't need a bag thrown over his head to be accepted in society. He's masturbating on a bed, not sleepy guy's bed, mind you, a different one. Bad camera work really wrecks this one, as half the angles are from the side where you can only see his forearm pumping furiously against his thigh. He changes positions occasionally and appears to be close several times, but it's dragged out. Suddenly, we see some different guy blowing another body speaking French. Then it goes back to our spanking friend, then the blowjob, then the spanker, who cums, and that's the end.
-No Asslicking yet again.
This was about 18 minutes, so the grand total for the "four hour feature" was actually about an hour and 36 minutes. And of that, less than two minutes featured any sort of ass-tongue contact. I guess they don't think too much of their own "opinion" regarding that as the sexiest act on earth. I didn't see any of the actors on the package in the feature anywhere, just a whole lotta "missing link"-types. Don't be misled by the title, if that's what you're looking for, go somewhere else. Hell, if that's NOT what you're looking for, you should STILL go somewhere else! You don't want any of what this DVD has got. If someone on the street offers it to you for free, you should take it and use it to beat them to death!!! Whatever you do, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME ON THIS!!!!! All is forgiven, J.Lo.