I Love A Man In Uniform (Metro) Review

Reviewed by Feels So Right  on  6/14/2001

Uggh!!! This is bad even for Metro standards!! All the footage in this disc is VERY old and it looks VERY bad!! There are some cute old school performers, but the quality of this disc is atrocious!! This disc is disqualified from plot category, as it's a compilation.

Features: Ummm...moving along...

The stars: Well, we're not given any names before the scenes (though the ones that do are frequently wrong). There is a list of performers on the box, but I wouldn't go by that, as I don't recall seeing any of the performers on the list that I do know in this feature. Or perhaps I was just trying to block this horrid mess from my memory.

Scene One: This is actually a very long scene and there's a chapter break in the middle of it. A prisoner (in a very bad prison cell set) is spanking the monkey to a Penthouse. Some fresh meat is thrown into the cell, they talk a bit, and the new guy goes down and winds up getting fucked. At the chapter break, the warden comes in and takes his turn with the new guy. The prisoner is decent-looking, the new guy is very boyish, and the warden is a handsome burly mustachioed guy. The video in this scene looks like ass. It's blurry, has a green tint and could probably cause blindness. The only thing that may be of slight interest to anybody is that this is a pre-condom scene, which is an indicator of how very old it is.

Scene Two: A hot blond guy in camouflage shorts pleasures himself. The video here is a little better, but not much. The scene is standard issue j/o, nothing more.

Scene Three: For the love of God, this is bad. Two Cro-Magnon firemen (the bottom performer also sports some gross stretch marks on his legs!), a ladder, and some of the worst dubbing I've ever heard. I swear it sounded like the Muppets did the ADR. Hysterically bad. The video here is even blurrier than the first scene, though this one has more of a reddish tint. This is also pre- condom. On a particularly nasty sidenote, when the top comes, he squirts on the bottom's asshole and then re-penetrates him. When he comes the second time (I swear I'm not making this up), they superimpose fireworks over the image.

Scene Four: A cute guy in a Corvette has been pulled over by a cop. Neither says anything, the cop just stares him down and shoves his cock in the guy's mouth. They fool around all over in and on top of the car. They're both pretty good looking, but again, the video ain't. This is a really dark scene, and the overbearing green tint does not enhance it.

Scene Five: The Muppets strike again. More laughably bad dubbing + more terrible image = about what I've come to expect. This is a Civil War scene. Mr. Blue is watching Mr. Gray from a tree while Mr. Gray pleasures himself. Mr. Gray has left out a scrap of food lying next to him, and Mr. Blue swoops down to take it. Instead, Mr. Gray eats Mr. Blue. Mr. Blue returns the favor, but still attempts to get the food. He's denied that and gets a generous load dumped out on his hat and face for his efforts. Did I mention the theme to "Gone With The Wind" plays while that cumshot happens? Well, it does. Mr. Gray plows Mr. Blue and comes himself, to the "Charge" theme. He then gets that bit of food, wipes up his juice with it and eats it. Another pre-condom scene, for those interested.

Scene Six: Well, kids, this is the best it's gonna get. The guys are pretty hot (save the excessive amounts of mousse being used) and the video is merely bad, as opposed to heinous. The fact that it was shot in the brightly lit outdoors is largely the reason for the slight bump in quality. A guy gets it on with his limo driver. Though his head does a great deal of bobbing, his hair never moves. They suck, they fuck, that's about it.

Scene Seven: I've seen this on countless VHS compilations. I don't know why it's so popular. Anyway, two prisoners start fooling around in the weight room. A guard comes along and joins them. I've seen this scene a hundred times and it's always looked pretty sub-par on VHS. It looks exactly the same on DVD.

Unless you're a masochist or absolutely must have some pre-condom footage, you must not buy this. If you are into pre-condom stuff, I'm sure you can find better stuff than this. And if you are a masochist, just add the money you'd spend on this to your dominatrix fund and use it to go get beaten.