Hardcore Film Classics: Vito & The Love Bandit Review

Reviewed by Joe Shaver  on  2/3/2007

Back in the Dark Ages when Bob Mizer was filming nude models on 8mm and calling it art to keep from getting in trouble with the law (which he did anyway) who would have thought Bob was also making hardcore features? The proof is here on this DVD! Wow, if the law knew about them Mizer would probably have been executed.
The films are not up (no pun intended) to our present day offerings but I can imagine viewers who were lucky enough to get these at that time must have worn the skin off their weenies. Even now they are capable of engorging organs.

HARDCORE FILM CLASSICS consists of nine shorts of varying length and quality. All but one are in color and have post-dubbed music. One has post-dubbed voices.
The one that is post-dubbed is the first and longest: “Vito and the Love Bandit.” Young Vito is on the sofa looking at a porn magazine and stroking his stiffy when a young masked bandit crawls through the window. The bandit is so distracted by Vito’s dick that Vito is able to snatch the gun away and order the bandit down on his cock. Unmasked and unclothed, the bandit is quite attractive—slender with a lightly-haired chest. Cocksucking (both suck) moves on to fucking. Unfortunately in this and the next four films the cum is faked. It looks like gobs of cold cream.(Guess the films weren’t long enough for Bob to wait for the real thing.)

“Pass the Soap” begins with two twinks (Chuck and Skip)lathering one another up in the shower. The youngest and cutest gets fucked. Unfortunately the twink fucking has an oozing sore on his leg which greatly detracts from whatever heat might have been engendered. Bob should have filmed this one from the other side so we saw the good leg.

“KY & the Nazi” has a blond guy in a pseudo-Nazi uniform and another in jeans. KY (named after the lube, I suppose?) doesn’t look like much clothed but when he strips he’s got quite a bod. Ironically it is KY who takes charge and not the Nazi. KY grabs him and plants a smothering kiss on the blond until the blond joins in eagerly. They disrobe and there’s a nice 69. Oddly KY fucks the Nazi. Even odder is the fact that the Nazi is circumcised and KY is uncut. I think Bob’s casting got the roles reversed in this one.

When “Jailhouse Fun” opens we have the two prisoners, Bernie and Steve, naked and sixty-nining. The jailhouse guard (Jim Walker) comes along and enters the cell whereupon the two prisoners seize him and strip him. Bernie rims him while Steve gives him head. Then Bernie fucks him. When it’s over they all shake hands.

A naked cowboy is standing at a microphone strumming his guitar in “Sailor and the Singing Cowboy” when one of the bar’s patron’s—a sailor—starts taunting him. A fight breaks out between them. The sailor is soon as nude as the singing cowboy and they roll about knocking over tables. Their antagonism turns to lust and soon they are kissing wildly. The sailor fucks the cowboy. Did I saw the cowboy had a really long dick? Well, he does. A Texas longhorn.

“Sailors and the Hippie” which follows is a bit confusing. We see two boys (Fred and Joe) in their sailor suits and then we see them naked having sex; then in their suits and then naked having sex. In their sailor suits there are subtitles telling us what they are saying. I think perhaps they are just imagining the sex. If that is true then it’s really ironic as this is the first film in which we see a real honest-to-god ejaculation. The fucking sailor pulls out just in time to douse his buddy’s hip with seamen—uh, semen.

“Boy’s Games” is an attempt to present some S&M. A boy is strung up and is being very gently swatted with ropes. There seems also to be some feigned sex elsewhere in the scene.

“Prisoner’s Promise” features Joe Markham whom I have seen in other earlier porn and who always caused a tingle in the testicles. With his long bushy hair in the style of the 60’s-70’s and his slender hairy chest and humdinger of a dick, Joe should have been a superstar. Yeah, he was one for me.

The final scene “Shore Leave” is probably the oldest of the lot. It’s in black and white and in rather poor condition—grainy and scratched.

For truly mature viewers this DVD may be a trip down Memory Lane. For the rest of us it offers a great chance to see how the older half loved.