Goosed! A Bisexual Fable Review

Reviewed by Feels So Right  on  6/7/2001

Let's get right to it.

The menu: Animated and very cute in a child-like way, since this is a take-off on Mother Goose. Though the packaging seems to list a lot of features, there really isn't much here but a manual photo gallery, two trailers, and chapter search.

The cast: Chi Chi La Rue (non-sex), Mickey Skee (non-sex), Candy Apples, Wolfgang Eisenschwartz (non-sex), Ethan Starr, T.J. Hart, Tommy Cruise, Bruce Hill, Zach Richards, Dave Nelson, Anthony Cox, Heaven Leigh, Obsession DeMore, Leo DiSilver, Elizabeth X, and Mistress Ilsa Silk (non-sex).

The movie: Overall, the image varies from just okay (all of Chi Chi's scenes) to pretty good (the hot tub is particularly good), most of the poorer images can be blamed on the lighting, which is often less than stellar. Most of the audio is live, though some is obviously overdubbed, and the porno tunes are indistinguishable from most others you've seen. Another problem is that when there is dialogue, one performer is often very loud, while the other is barely audible. It's a pity, because the acting is better than most I've seen and the lines are actually pretty funny (and they're supposed to be, too!).

The story begins with a reporter (Mickey Skee) interviewing Mother Goose (Chi Chi La Rue), or "Martha" as she requests to be called. Martha is pretty drunk and in a rather foul mood. The reporter wants the real inside scoop and asks Martha to spill the beans, but in a nice way, so she'll seem sympathetic. La Rue is funny in setting up the stories in the sort of high camp role you would expect.

Scene One: Jane (Candy Apples) is one of the many offspring of the Old Woman Who Lived in the Shoe, and has settled down with Peter-Peter Pumpkin Eater (Wolfgang Eisenschwartz). They have been married for a year and the honeymoon is definitely over. Jane unsuccessfully attempts to seduce Peter, and has to listen in to the neighbors while she satisfies herself. Next door, Little Boy Blue (Ethan Starr) is entertaining Jack Sprat (Tommy Cruise) and his wife (T.J. Hart). They assume various positions, though I don't think either paid attention to whether they were eating fat or lean, so long as it was hard and/or wet. They eventually wind up in a sandwich with Tommy fucking T.J. while being fucked by Ethan. T.J. seems exceedingly bored throughout most of the scene, and she might as well not be here, since even the lighting favors the gay sex.

Scene Two: A year later, Jane brings home Jack B. Nimble (Bruce Hill) from the market and they make hot monkey love all over the kitchen. And I mean all over, cunnilingus on the stove, doggystyle in the sink, and eventually missionary on the linoleum. Bruce sports a ribbed condom that makes it look like Candy's getting fucked by a turkey neck, and he has a pretty big zit on his ass, which were less than attractive. This is the only solely straight scene in the movie and isn't bad. Candy is attractive enough, though I don't care much for the tattoos on her tits, or the many piercings, that's just my personal opinion. As an epilogue to this scene, Jane shares her secret with Little Bo Peep (Mistress Ilsa Silk), a dominatrix with a flock of men who baa like sheep. They are next seen at Jack's funeral ("I told him to stop jumping over the candlestick! I knew one day he wouldn't make it!") Bo gives her a little pep talk, and the next thing you know, she comes to tell her about an amazing experience she just had with three men in a hot tub...

Scene Three: Jane is in a hot tub with Dave Nelson, Anthony Cox, and Zach Richards. They all kiss one another and switch off pleasuring one another, mostly in pairs. Candy appears to be having a much better time with her switch hitters than T.J. did, or at least she's better at faking it, which makes this a much better scene than that one. At the end, we go back to Jane and Bo. Jane is fucking nearly the entire population of Toyland.

Scene Four: We see Peter talking on the phone while Mary Contrary (Heaven Leigh) and Little Miss Muffet (Obsession Demore) make out in the foreground on the floor in front of him. He gets off the phone and takes a more attentive role watching. He rubs his crotch a little bit, and jerks off inside his underwear, but otherwise this is strictly sappho action, and he never takes out his cock. The ladies pleasure one another as only they can, with tongues and fingers, but strangely, no toys of any kind. They continue to perform for Peter until they are both fully satisfied and then dress and get ready to leave. Miss Muffet finds a condom wrapper on the floor, and Peter notices it's not his brand, which outrages him, he concludes that Jane must be screwing around on him.

Scene Five: Jane is in bed with Jack (Leo DeSilver) and Jill (Elizbeth X). They all enjoy one another with fierce tongues and fingers. Jack fucks both Jane and Jill, who has a few zits on her inner thigh, but a nice petite body. Both women are also completely shaved, which is always nice. They wrap things up at the door, but Peter catches them on the way out, and announces that he's got big news. He's landed a huge account with Old King Cole, but there's one catch, the pumpkin he's gonna be eating is so big, he has to bring it home. Next thing you know, he drugs her and he has her in that very pumpkin shell to this day. Come on, you've heard the rhyme!

Overall, a very funny skin flick that is only hurt by low production values. There are some worthwhile sex scenes, and the actors not only appear to know (most of) their lines, they may actually have rehearsed a time or two! Granted, the way the stories are tied together is a bit of a stretch, but all in all, it's above average.