Fuck Friends (IMD) Review

Reviewed by Feels So Right  on  6/13/2001

This is a first for me. This title was produced in Canada, and all the performers speak French Canadian, so there are actually subtitles to move the story along. They're not distracting, and seem to be pretty accurate (I took a few years of French in school), however, the story is inconsistent, so it's all for naught.

Features: Static menu, which seems to have very sluggish navigation. Push a button to move the cursor, wait about 15 seconds, cursor moves. This is pretty annoying, and I can't think for any logical reason for it. There's the standard stuff here, like web crap, trailers (one of which is for this flick), chapters, and a bonus scene, which I'll cover later. Subtitles default to on, and you can only turn them off while in the feature, with the subtitle button, if you want to. Music is pretty standard, and the sound is both live and poorly dubbed moaning. The video varies from okay to awful. When the images get too dark, they pixellate badly. This affects pretty much every scene, as the lighting levels are not sufficient in most cases.

The stars: Having never seen French Canadian porn, I have no idea who these guys are, but I was attracted to the guy featured on the menu, named Xavier. He has sort of a Robbie Williams (the singer, not the hairy actor) quality to him. During the end credits, they put names with most of the actors, but like I said, probably no one you've heard of here, so I won't really bother.

The movie: The narrator tells us that Montreal is a city of many stories, and this is one of them. I'll politely disagree, as there are three flashbacks, which are separate stories, many inconsistencies and, oh, the hell with it. I'm just saying it's a pretty flimsy set up. The first shots are outdoors at a skating rink. Xavier was skating and walks home to his apartment. We're told that three men live together in the apartment. "Two are openly gay, and the third (who we see showering) has, until today, considered himself 100% straight." Riiiiight.

Scene One: Xavier gets home and goes to the bathroom to pee. Of course, straight guy is showering in there and seems to object to the invasion, never mind the fact that the bathroom door was open, as is the shower curtain. I should mention that straight guy is pretty homely. I could not get the image of Rhys Ifans ("Spike" the disgusting roommate from "Notting Hill") out of my head when I saw him, and that just grossed me out. Xavier finishes peeing (this is shown on camera), and starts to undress, as I guess he has to get ready for something. Straight guy gets out of the shower, and next thing you know, is in Xav's mouth. After a bit, Xav asks him if he'd like to try it himself. His query "how do I do it" is completely unconvincing, as he sucks it like a pro. No surprise there. They keep fooling around and roommate #3 appears and joins them. They switch positions, with Spike topping #3. The cumshots are alright and finish off the scene.

Scene Two: The roommates are playing poker. This scene was problematic because of constant editing. About every 10-30 seconds, there would be a wipe, but it didn't seem to really improve pacing or anything, it was just annoying. Xavier recounts an encounter he had at work with two delivery guys. The delivery guys are both pretty average, looks wise, and one of them simply disappears for a big portion of the scene, when Xav bottoms for the other one. Nothing too exciting here, pretty standard stuff.

Scene Three: #3 tells a tale of a blind date he went on. He shows up at a house, but no one is home. He finds a note and sits around the house a bit, eventually making his way upstairs, where he finds a naked stud taking a bath. He immediately joins him, and they pleasure one another, with #3 eventually bottoming. The tub guy is cute, and #3 isn't bad, but this scene is ruined. Apparently, some kinky cop has set this up and we have to watch him work his flabby body over, intercut with the guys. His scenes are all shot in sepia tone, as I expect color probably would have just been too disgusting. He has some kind of leather fetish and sports a pair of ball stretchers with steel weights attached to it. Overall, it's a vomit-inducing sight. The guys finish up and we go back to the poker game. #3 says he received an envelope after the date, which contained photos of him and tub guy in action. We see a virtual slide show of the black and white pics.

Scene Four: Seems Spike isn't so straight after all, despite the narrator's comment. We endure a fairly long set up that includes footage of a parade and a country house. In any case, Spike apparently picked up a tourist and brings him home. There's still more set up and Spike finally goes to the bedroom to nap. The tourist follows seconds later and starts rubbing down his body. They blow one another and Spike tops the tourist. As I said, Spike is pretty ugly and the tourist is nothing too great, so this did nothing for me.

Scene Five: We're told that after a long day, the roommates go to the bar under their apartment. We're then told that #3 is a D.J., Xav is a bartender, and Spike just likes to hang out. So, if this is where two of them work, why did they have such a long day? Ahh...forget it. Anyway, we're then told they take the party upstairs. Xav and #3 mess around a bit, and we see two firefighters come in. They got a call about the smoke. There's a smoke machine in the room. Pretty lame setup, as the smoke almost immediately dissipates. Anyway, Xav and #3 think the guys are hot, but Spike (who suddenly appeared when the firemen came in) bails on the scene. They get down to business, with #3 bottoming for one of the firemen, and the other fireman getting topped by Xav. Not a bad scene, but the lighthing hurts it a lot. After this, we're told that the guys like to watch shows at the bar that combine song and erotica. This is awful, and there's no sex, so unless you want to watch a leather guy singing French karaoke while his slaves grind and make out, just press "stop."

The bonus scene takes place in the smoke room. One of the patrons at the bar (wearing a rubber shirt) goes down on Xavier. They mess around a bit, and the patron starts licking and fingering Xav's ass. Suddenly, with no explanation, Xav has vanished, and the patron is blowing one of the firemen! He jacks off and comes while doing this, and the scene fades out. We don't see what happened to Xav nor the fireman's cumshot. Pretty bad.

Overall, this is just an okay disc that gets further deductions for low production values and some homely cast members. I wouldn't bother with it. If you want French lessons, hit the bars and find someone who's good at performing it.