Freaks & Geeks Review

Reviewed by Morrigan  on  9/8/2000

Freaks and Geeks

Disclaimer: Anyone who gets offended at anything I say in this review should definitely NOT watch this movie

A bunch of kinky people have some seriously twisted sex in some funk-ass-nasty ways.

The Cast:

Note: I don't know what characters these people play and frankly, I don't want to know. The only person I recognize is Candy Apples. And that's only 'cause she's got her name tattooed across her chest.

• Bridget Powerz
• Candy Apples
• Tree Sweet
• Kathy Jones
• Kendra Starr
• Tom Chapman
• Anaconda
• Brunno
• Napoleon
• Jonah
• Burger
• Earl Slate

The Plot:
Weird and twisted people of the world unite! There's something in this movie to suit every taste. And, boy do I mean every....

Scene 1
Well, right off the starting block, this wonderful piece of cinematic genius kicks off with a spirited birthday party for a bouncing baby boy.

"Aw, how sweet...", you say?

Not in this lifetime, kemosabe.

This bouncing baby boy is a four or five hundred pound mass of glutinous man-flesh in a diaper and baby bonnet, complete with rattle.

Oh, but, wait, there's more!

For baby's big day, the "mommy" has hired "Entertainment!": a clown and a female midget in a wedding dress on a tricycle.

That's right folks, two for the price of one!

You also get the original, Clown-Co Midget Diddler! That's right! You get to see the clown fuck the midget girl all over the table, in the cake, on the guests(Yes, you heard me, Guests).

There is something seriously wrong with all of this...and probably with me as well since I'm actually watching it.

Scene 2

Oh, it's the HOT DOG scene. This is my FAVORITE part of the movie.

Ok, there's a rather rotund woman sitting on a lawn in a ridiculously small pair of crotchless panties eating a pie tin full of hot dogs. In fast forward. Okaaaay. Now she's eating a bag of potato chips in fast forward. Okaaay. And she's mourning the lack of more hot dogs to eat.

Ah, here enters the male love interest. It's the new next-door neighbor coming over to be neighborly. And our obese, hot dog-deprived lady begins hallucinating a la Merri Melodies. She sees her friendly neighbor as a giant hot dog(Great costume, BTW), and comes running for him, yelling "Hot Dog" at the top of her ample lungs. Mr. Hot Dog man takes off running for the safety of his own back yard, and Hot Dog lady trips, falls on to a conveniently placed Slip-n-slide and slips right down to the end, where we are treated to a slo-mo shot of this wet, naked fat lady being showered with an entire bag of flour.
Hold on a sec...I'm laughing too hard too type....

Ahem, sorry, but you all know the "roll her in flour and find the wet spot" joke.

Back to the scene: The floured, fat, hot dog lady now chases her neighbor down and they get it on on his patio. Probably the least-lethal-to-your-lunch scene in this movie, frankly. I mean, experts say that 80% of the American population is overweight. Big deal. Fat people have sex too. Just don't expect it to be pretty....

Scene 3

Oh, what a lovely day!

A lovely day for a ride on a tricycle.

A lovely day for a ride on a tricycle down a hill with an aviator cap and goggles on.

A lovely day for a ride on a tricycle down a hill with an aviator cap and goggles on right towards a driveway with an SUV pulling out of it.

Oh, did I mention that you are a male midget?

And the girl driving the SUV is Candy Apples?

So, the inevitable accident occurs and Candy (sweet, pure soul that she is) takes your unconsious, helpless midget body into her lovely home and bandages you up to the best of her ability. And of course, you wake up and threaten litigation unless this sweet, helpless thang fucks your brain out. And of course, this being a porn movie, it takes all of 1.5 nanoseconds for her to start sucking your dick.
Oh, I'm gonna be ill...let's go on to...

Scene 4
The prune juice scene.
A very rode-hard-and-put-up-wet older woman has to take a shit. "BAD!" And after she rummages about in her kitchen cabinets in a nighty while rubbing her ass, she discovers that she's out of prune juice. She immediately calls THE PRUNE BROTHERS, who promptly show up at her door in old-fashion soda- fountain boy outfits(including the white paper hat) and proceed to pour prune juice in her, on her and on everything else. Then they have a rather laughable three-way. I still have nightmares about this scene.

The Sex: I'll make this brief, I don't want to be responsible for any worshipping of the porcelain god other than my own.

Scene 1: The midget girl dirty dances, has icing licked off her nipples by all the party guests, sucks the clown's dick with the great simultaneous background shot of the baby sucking on a bottle. The clown licks her pussy, smears his makeup into a grotesquely distorted mask, fucks the little midget girl, and makes faces at the camera. All this is accompanied by cheering from the party guests and various baby-esque reactions from the baby.
High Point: The clown walks around the room bouncing the midget girl on his dick while she yells out "Fuck me with your clown cock!"

Scene 2: The Hot Dog lady sucks Hot Dog man's dick(which never reaches maximum turgidity). He then fucks her doggie style and mish position on a creaky lawnchair.
High Point: All that wobbly goodness.

Scene 3:Candy Apples and the midget go at it on a leather couch. I feel bad for the leather couch. She sucks his dick, sits on his face and then he proceeds to bang her while standing up facing the couch. He's that short, ladies and gents.
High Point: There ain't nothing like watching that little midget ass pump away...

Scene 4: The constipated lady gets to suck both dicks and get DP'ed. Of course, not only does one of our heros have to put his paper hat over his face in order to stay hard while his dick gets ridden reverse-cowgirl style, but his partner in crime can't even get it hard offscreen. You can just imagine him with the fluffer in the background. He finally gets it up and they have a DP. After which, the prune lady promptly runs to the loo saying, "Oh, now I gotta shit."
High Point: Prune Lady whining "Fuck my asshole, I gotta shit." Yeah, that would pump MY nads, if I had any.

The Image/Audio: Fairly decent. I had trouble hearing dialogue in a few places(not like it was a major disaster if I didn't), but other than that, the sound and the image were pretty damned good. But then again, I spent so much of the movie trying not to toss my cookies, there could have been artifacts the size of Antarctica and I wouldn't have noticed.

The Extras:

• Photo Gallery: Hey, if it floats your boat
• Jump to a scene: Standard
• Preview: OH, GOD! Avoid at all costs. Unless you really want to see She-males, Very pregnant women doing reverse cowgirl, Really Fat chicks having an orgy or a 95-year old woman getting fucked.
• Sneak Peeks: See Preview's note above
• Web Site: There's a web site? Aieeeeeee....

The Good: *snort*

The Bad: Do we have a year?

The Ugly: Again, do we have a year?

One thing I learned: Prune juice stains human skin a particularly nasty brown color.

Overall: This movie has warped my fragile little mind. And since I've been showing it to everyone I know for the gross-out factor, it's been warping a lot of other minds as well...
Run, do not walk away from this movie. Oh, and don't turn your back on it. Not even for a second. Everlasting vigilance is essential lest you wind up like me having flashbacks at work of "Hot dog man, come back...."

Excuse me, I have to go purge myself now....