Enchanted Review

Reviewed by Nat Hocken  on  1/19/2004

Serenity’s a modern day witch who falls in love with mortal Tony Tedeschi. She could have him in an instant, of course, if she used her magical powers, but she’s never felt anything like this before, and, as she tells her brother (Tom Byron), she wants to get Tony the old-fashioned way anyway, without spells. So what does she do? She spreads her legs on their first date. This could have been funny if this had been, say, the second sex scene in the movie and if the point was that Serenity is so naïve in the ways of mortals that she thinks if Tony will fuck her he must also love her. Instead, it’s the last scene—which means it’s love at first sight, which means Serenity didn’t have to bother, which means she could have spent her time making a better movie.

“Enchanted” (1997) is a low-energy romp directed by Jim Enright. The last Jim Enright film I reviewed was “Babes Illustrated 5.” He managed to screw that one up with close-ups and poor editing. This time around, he’s got a better handle on his camera, but a lousy ear. Okay, remember, this is a story film. Enright not only drowns his sex scenes in music, he deluges his dialogue scenes with it too. (Now, there’s one notable exception, a scene in which Serenity talks to the Shape Changer himself, the Norse god Loki, who appears as an owl and does a passable Sean Connery impression.)

Serenity is the star and she gets three scenes: the first, with Mickey G.; the fourth, with Jacklyn Lick; and the last, with, of course, Tony Tedeschi. Guess which one I liked best. Right—the lesbian scene. I’m going to go out on a limb and say it was Serenity’s favorite, too; I doubt she came—none of the girls cum in this movie—but at least she’s a little more animated here than elsewhere. And why not? Jacklyn makes cunnilingus look good and I didn’t see Serenity complaining when Jacklyn poked her repeatedly with her tongue.

Sidebar: Tony Tedeschi’s one of those repressed pussy eaters—his keeps his tongue short and hard, jabbing at the girl’s sex with furious speed. Hey, Tony, it ain’t a race. Just ask Mickey G., who takes a more romantic approach with Serenity in the first scene and comes up with the movie’s second best oral performance. (Sadly, that includes the blowjobs, as well.)

There’s a certain amount of truth to the old saying I just made up that if you want to see sex, watch porn; if you want to see girls, watch a Hollywood picture. Porn directors, by and large, just don’t get it that girls can be sexy as hell with their clothes on. Enright sure doesn’t get it. But then he’s got Serenity. Standing naked beside a bar in the first scene and lying on top of Ms. Lick in the fourth, she’s an absolute vision. The Japanese AV star Akira Fubuki was often touted as the girl with the perfect tits; Serenity just might qualify as the girl with the perfect ass.

Spellbinding as it is, not even Serenity’s ass can save this movie. It’s just so damn bland. Wherever something energetic or exciting threatens to break out, Enright’s music is right there to crush the life out of it. I think one reason the lesbian scene works better than the other scenes is because I swear Enright pitches the music a little lower. I like the slow, “romantic” way the first scene begins, but it soon settles into porno routine (eat, blow, fuck, cum), ending lamely with Mickey G. spurting on Serenity’s tits. Tedeschi doesn’t fare much better: he gets to cum on her ass. With Heaven Lee, Tedeschi adds a little rimming to the mix, so I’ll give him a bonus point for that. Too bad I have to subtract a couple of points for his performance with Serenity. This is the big moment; this is true love—but it plays just like the other boy/girl scenes: eat, blow, fuck, cum.

Group scenes to the rescue? Hardly. Chloe and Alyssa Love (“introduced” here according to the credits) take on brother witch Tom Byron, conveniently forgetting that they’re supposed to take on each other too. I don’t care if you like girl/girl or not: a threeway is supposed to go three ways. I think the music in this scene was probably necessary—to block the sound of Enright begging these chicks to do each other. So Chloe eats out Alyssa briefly and Alyssa finally succumbs by adding her finger to the two Chloe already has in her pussy.

One sequence during the threesome has Chloe being screwed doggy-style by Byron with Alyssa sitting directly in front of her face, her legs spread wide. What does Chloe do? She ignores her. Alyssa pays her back in the fifth scene, a three girl-two guy extravaganza. Sean Michaels is fucking Alyssa and at one point Chloe looks as though she’s about to sit on Alyssa’s face. Alyssa turns her head the other direction; Chloe has to masturbate instead. (Meanwhile, the guys get blown, fuck, and jerk themselves to their respective facials.)

I see a movie about a sexy witch and I’m there. I want to see supernatural manipulation, domination, and maybe, if it’s warranted, payback. I want to see sexy witch costumes (Serenity, by the way, never appears in her boxcover garb). And I want to see some edgy sex.

Basically, I want to see another movie.