E For Eva Review

Reviewed by Diville  on  1/17/2008

Have you ever seen David Cronenberg's The Fly? You know, the one with Jeff Goldblum. Do you remember the scene where he puts a monkey in a teleportation pod, but when he throws the switch, it turns the monkey inside out? I think that's what Eva Angelina would do to my penis if I ever screwed up the nerve to stick it in her. The girl is crazy. Apparently Jonni Darkko of Evil Angel doesn't share this same concern as he's fashioned an entire DVD of penises going in and out of the curvy, raven haired starlet. Over the course of nine scenes, I lost count of how many cocks went into her, but am happy to report none of them emerged from the wild eyed, guttural Eva mangled, or otherwise worse for the wear.

E for Eva, to this reviewer's knowledge, is the most comprehensive travelogue to date of Ms. Angelina's body and orifices. If you have questions about it, I'm happy to answer them.

Lets get right to the chase, does Eva finally do anal?

Yep!

That's the answer I was hoping for! She's so fucking crazy when she's getting fucked in the pussy, she must absolutely love it when she's taking one in the ass, right?

First, I find fault with your logic. Let's all remember that the pussy and the ass are two separate things. That's like saying that because it feels good to have Eva suck your dick, then it must feel unbelievably good to have her ram you in the asshole with an oversized stap-on. Depending on your proclivities, it just might. But don't bet your rent money on it. But to answer your question, no, she doesn't turn into a woman possessed when she gets fucked in the ass. She dials it down, in fact. And I'm glad she does. When watching her get sodomized or DP'd (she has scenes where she does both) you see the mask fall away and you end up getting a scene with a beautiful girl fucking like it means something.

I can live with that. So, what all does she do in this thing? You said it's a comprehensive travelogue of her boy and orifices. Please explain.

To start with, she fucks herself with dildos of varying sizes until she ends up with something that would look more at home covered in pine tar and displayed in George Brett's trophy case. Then she fucks Mark Ashley until he cums in her mouth.

I hate Mark Ashley because his dick is bigger than mine and I'm not him. But go on.

OK. After she finds out what Mark Ashley's semen tastes like, she has a lesbian four-way with more hair pulling and slapping than one of those designer wedding dress trunk sales. That's soon followed by a POV blow job scene. Please forgive the creepy deliverance reference, but Eva has such a pretty mouth. Really, a super sexy smile on that girl, and teeth like an Osmond.

Don't bring Mormons into this. I heard she does a gangbang. Is that true?

Not only is that true, but she does it twice. Twice! Do you know what I did twice today? I slipped and fell down some stairs two times. And I thought I was the shit for not getting hurt either time. Then I put in this DVD and Eva Angelina gets her pussy and ass hammered by five different guys, then turns around and ushers another team of men down her throat. And she never stops smiling. Either I'm a fucking pussy or this girl is crazy for cock.

Lets be honest, aren't both those statements true?

Yeah, I guess you're right. But just watch this girl take the loads of five guys on her face with the same sinful joy as you or I might eat a $20 creme brulee. Watching this makes me think I'm missing out on something. I think I should quit my job falling down stairs and look into cumming on Eva Angelina's face for a living. Apparently, there's a pretty big demand for men who will do that, because there are more than a dozen of them doing it in this video alone.

You mentioned earlier that she does a pretty wild all-girl gangbang, too. How was that?

Well, despite all the estrogen in the scene, there was nothing tender or nurturing about it. Lots of slapping, hair pulling and general profane smack talking.

That Eva really knows how to run her filthy ball washer, doesn't she?

You've got that right. I'm not sure even a rock hard cock could muffle the profanities that come out that girl's mouth. Then when you put her in a sex scene with three other equally vocal harlots, only a team of trained speech therapists could make out what the fuck they're shouting. Here, I'm going to put my laptop up to one of my speakers and let Microsoft's speech recognition software try to interpret these slatterns' linguistic gymnastics:

Ohio who they are holy see how high are high and low in I have the ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! The high sea is so high on the ha ha has!

No shit. That's what the best in technology can decipher, and even though I can't claim the results would pass as found avant garde poetry, watching it sure is easy on the eyes.

Of all the potential boxing match-ups that could be made in 2008, what would you most like to see?

I'm going to go with Mayweather vs. Cotto. Though, I'd also like to see Calzaghe fight anybody halfway decent on American soil for once. Maybe the winner of Taylor vs. Pavlik if one of them is willing to come up in weight.

You said there are nine scenes on this DVD, what are you leaving out?

There's a straight-up anal scene with John Strong. That's pretty hot. She does an interracial scene with Sean Michaels that goes to show that if the pussy is good enough, even a porn lifer like Michaels can still get rocked. But seriously, it's hard to keep it all straight. There's just that much fucking on this disc. And I've got to tell you, I'm loving this trend of centering an entire video around one insanely hot girl. I feel cheated if I buy a movie with my favorite starlet and she's only on screen for 15 minutes. Not so here. Eva is the girl I want, and she's the girl I'm given.

That doesn't leave much room for extras, does it?

There are some trailers, a nice picture gallery, music tracks and a good, lengthy behind the scenes feature.

Cool. I like BTS features. Do you get any interesting insights into the lives of the whacked out people who make pornography for a living?

Tons. Really great interviews and footage here. Just some of what I've learned:

• Porn girls never fold their fucking clothes. Everytime I see a porn starlet open her suitcase of costumes, it's nothing but a giant tangle of pink G-strings, boots and costume jewelry
• While I was making a mad rush to Walgreens to buy bit sized Milky Way bars for Halloween, Eva Angelina was fucking Mark Ashley on a blanket made from an alpaca's fur.
• Naudia Nice wants to fuck a cartoon
• Sammie Rhodes doesn't mind getting pissed on
• Eva Angelina likes top shelf tequila, though I think it's a safe bet that it's been a long time since she had to pay for her own drinks
• If you try to have anal sex with Eva Angelina without her permission, you're going to need either a shower or a hepatitis shot.
• Eva's ass has contained more toys than a Hello Kitty backpack
• Cross your fingers. There might be a second Eva-only movie in the not so different future

Last question. If the french describe the orgasm as a "little death," will this DVD turn me into a temporary french corpse?

Oui. Absolument.