Dirt Pipe Milkshakes Review

Reviewed by Kelly  on  4/13/2006

Title: Generic Creampie Film
Company: PXP
Length: 175 minutes
Production Date(s): Nov. 21-Dec. 16, 2005
Release Date: March 14, 2006
Condoms: None

Directed by: Jake Malone

THE SEX:
Scene 1: Annie Cruz w/Brian Surewood and Andrew Andretti (32 minutes)
Annie Cruz, the Filipina sexpot who reportedly balled a male porn star at her table during the AVN awards shows, looks good in a black business blazer and skirt with white stripes. She shows us her ass a little before heading to a couch to play with some anal toys. Then the guys show up, and Andrew fucks her ass in missionary right away. Clean family fun ensues. The guys fuck her in various versions of doggy, missionary, and cowgirl, fitting in some DP action along the way. She moans accordingly. In the end, she gets one anal creampie while the other guy just shoots his (rather large) load on her asshole. She farts it out, and I don’t use the word fart to disparage the act of expelling an anal creampie. I use it because here it actually sounds like she’s farting. Annie Cruz fans will enjoy themselves.

Scene 2: Bailey w/Manuel Ferrara and Michael Stefano (34 minutes)
Bailey, in a white mesh outfit that only partially covers her ass (and various tattoos), shoots some pool with the boys. However, she is quite bad, and as punishment she has to let them stick an anal string up her ass. This leads to kissing, which leads to sucking, which leads to fucking, which leads to cumming. Bailey puts on her best porno face throughout the scene, moaning in a monotonous manner regardless of what exactly they’re doing to her. Also, if you like your girl constantly seeking re-assurance by asking if you really like fucking whatever body part of her’s it is that you are fucking at the time then Bailey’s your girl. She works up a little more passion toward the end of cowgirl DP. At ass shot time, one guy gives her an anal creampie and the other shoots on her asshole. Ever an enemy of waste, Malone has placed a mirror under her pussy during this so that she might lick up the cum that gets expelled from her ass. Bailey fans will enjoy themselves.

Scene 3: Mika Tan w/Jon Dough and Steve Holmes (33 minutes)
Wearing an open crotch half red/half black mesh body stocking, Mika roams the mansion’s backyard, shaking her ass beautifully. Though I am tired of seeing girls constantly dressed as whores like this (Jules Jordan and all of his imitators collectively tell me to fuck off now), mesh body stockings always get me. Plus, Mika pulls it off, largely because she walks as if the outfit makes her feel sexy. Back inside the house, she looks directly into the camera and speaks of getting really dirty. Her definition of dirty? Expelling milk from thy own ass for the purpose of licking it off the ground straight from said ass. The definition seems to keep expanding as she puts an anal string up her ass, but genuinely struggles to pull it out. The boys jump in, as if partially unplanned, to help her out. Her ass does get properly stretched out during this though, and as result a dick goes up that ass in no time. She moans as if this was new to her even though in fact it's pretty much all she ever does. There’s some medically inadvisable stuff here, such as the guys going pussy-to-ass-to-pussy-to-ass-to-pussy. When they DP her in cowgirl, she lets out a cavalcade of indiscernible dirty talk, the mumblings of a lady getting royally rogered. In the end, both guys give her an anal creampie, with no cuts in-between delivery meaning the second guy thrusting in her asshole is also rubbing his dick all over the other guy’s cum. Mika Tan fans will enjoy themselves, watching their girl get straight up nasty and apparently loving it.

Scene 4: Sierra Sinn w/Steve Holmes and Manuel Ferrara (36 minutes)
Sierra, in pink and black lingerie, actually gets a brief interview. I hope that was foreplay enough for her because Steve goes straight up her ass in kneeling doggy minutes later. Maybe some girls do love a dick up the ass with no lubrication whatsoever. Sierra is a porn star. She’ll be fine, smiling for the camera while one European pounds her ass and the other fucks her mouth. They go to a double blowjob, and this girl does definitely have a nasty streak. When the guys jump to DPin her reverse cowgirl and she’s yelling for them to fuck her harder, I kind of believed she meant it. She gets it plenty hard the rest of the scene, which is mostly DP with interludes of straight anal. Her scene ends exactly like Bailey’s-1 anal creampie, 1 shot on the asshole, glass mirror underneath, etc. Sierra Sinn fans will enjoy themselves, though you could come away with a mad case of penis envy after seeing her plowed by the Ferrara/Holmes tag team.

Scene 5: Naomi w/Michael Stefano (37 minutes)
Naomi has a face. I swear. She does. In truth, it is a very attractive one (even underneath the clown make-up painted on it by all-sex companies), displaying a favorable Slovac/Israeli ethnic mix with a Tracey Adams-like sultry stare. However, that all-time great bubble butt of her’s is the first and last thing everyone seems to notice. However, those building a shrine to her ample booty ala Reducto on Harvey Birdman might want to take notice of her glaring falts as a performer. She is a textbook case of the modern programmed porn star that reacts to the camera and only the camera instead of her co-star(s). In other words, she is such an unstoppable posing machine that one wonders if she can turn it off when engaging in off-screen sex. As Michael uses her ass cheeks around his cock the way most would a pair of voluptuous breast in the beginning, she’s staring at Jake’s camera the whole time, contorting her face in a variety of pouty and open-mouthed expressions that are all ultimately the same. Aware that he was working with an anal newbie, Michael uses plenty of lube while slowly inserting a red butt plug up her ass before fucking her purposefully in standing doggy. That’s it for the plug. He goes very slow and mostly lets her dictate the tempo during sideways missionary anal. With her ass sticking out on the side of the couch, she pushes back on him in a circular motion and it’s quite the sight. They switch to cowgirl anal, which is probably the position you most want to see if you’re a Naomi fan. She does an ass shake a couple of times that is just ridiculous (in a good way). The two then proceed to roll around on the couch a while, stopping briefly for different versions of missionary anal, before re-locating to a bar chair. He cums in her ass, and she farts it out. Naomi fans, those who have no problem with her posing, will enjoy this though they might prefer her later anal scenes since she’ll be more vocal in those. And with the astounding number of Naomi scenes flooding the market, it would be fiscally wise to be picky.

SPECIAL FEATURES:
Slide Show, Bonus Blowjob (10 minutes)-Naomi swallows Jake’s load, Behind the Scenes

THE SOAPBOX:
Once upon a time Platinum X ceased all production on titles or individual scenes containing creampies. This came around that time in the industry when everyone was making grand, selfless statements in reaction to the Darren James HIV outbreak. PXP was not alone. Seymour Butts actually declared his productions condom-only, shifting his priorities to people instead of profits. It’s a couple of years later now and nary a condom has made its way into a Seymour film while vaginal and anal creampies are as commonplace as ever. Never mind the role anal creampies played in the outbreak. Influencing the market the only way they can, several vocal consumers in the ADT forum have pledged never to support titles containing creampies. On the opposite end, there are those who view the cream pie as a compulsory facet of pornography, pledging to take their money elsewhere (namely overseas) if their fetish isn’t represented on the US market. To the latter Jake Malone delivers Dirt Pipe Milkshakes and while their fetish is indeed represented maybe they should not be fully satisfied. Why? Because the film is assembly line porn, standardized production with the girls providing the interchangeable parts. The females are mostly programmed porn stars moaning too deliberately (Mika and Sierra might be considered exceptions), and the males lifeless as they work in likely their tenth scene of the week. The girls are dressed as whores, the teases are indistinguishable from one another, the lighting is serviceable if a bit too somber, and the sex is predictably rough. The title, which bears an uncanny resemblance to one used by Extreme Associates last year, rings true only once (Mika’s milkshake). Other than that, it’s just a generic title about anal creampies meant to make you laugh, though some might find it offensive or simply asinine. Generic is about the best word for this whole film really. So, why did I even watch this and write a review? Well, remember what I said about Reducto's shrine earlier? That was kind of me with Naomi's booty for a short while.

RENT IT or BUY IT:
NEITHER.

About the Author:
I am an undergrad in college writing reviews of porn DVDs from time to time, utilizing my overpriced education to discuss who fucked who in which film. With every review, I detail what I as a consumer would personally want to know about any given film. As such, I have a propensity for devolving into overly serious analysis that routinely flirts with being downright pompous. My favorite all-time porn stars include Avy Scott, Taylor St. Claire, Christy Canyon, Taija Rae, Tracey Adams, Jacqueline Lorians, April West, P.J. Sparx, Victoria Paris, and Nikki Dial. Among the active girls, I enjoy Sunny Lane, Sara Stone, and Harmony Rose. Consequently, I’m naturally inclined to favor brunettes with (big) natural breasts and/or an amazing ass. When I first started reviewing, I thought that there was nothing better than all-sex, which is popularly but inaccurately referred to as gonzo. However, now I favor features or at least something with a little more care and substance than interview-and-fuck. What hasn’t changed is that any hint of Max Hardcore-style misogyny is an instant turn-off. As far as directors go, I enjoy the vintage films from Henri Pachard, Paul Thomas, John Leslie, and John Stagliano whereas I currently enjoy the work being done by Justin Slayer. My favorite porn films of all time include Sex Life of a Porn Star (1986), The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women 1 (2000), and The Fashionistas (2003).