Cockpit Club, The Review

Reviewed by Joe Shaver  on  4/6/2003

Wrestling is not only interesting to gays, but also provides homoerotic stimulation to millions of redneck closet cases. I used to be a fan—when they wrestled—but nowadays when they spend the time ruining their vocal chords by screaming and growling into microphones and there’s hardly any activity in the ring (and the guys are mainly trolls) I no longer watch. So, I was anxious to see The Cockpit Club hoping it would provide some of that old time fun I used to have. It turned out to be a disappointment. The guys are good-looking, it has a plot—clichéd but there—yet the sex is bland, bland, bland. The most interesting thing about the film is that it stars Kyle Bradford who became famous when Kyle claimed to have had sex with the world’s biggest box-office star, a statement Kyle made with his eyes wide shut. This proved to be a risky business—and probably a mission impossible, too—when Kyle found himself being sued by the hunky dude.

When we meet Kyle, he is a bouncer in a club. The action begins when Kyle and his lover, Tommy Saxx make-out in the club’s downstairs. Tommy is very passive throughout as Kyle sucks his dick, finger-fucks his smoothly shaven asshole and fucks him. (We never see entry in this film and the sex is brief as though the director thinks we can’t wait to get back to the story—We can! Shit, if we’ve seen Rocky IV we know the damn plot.) Anyway, after this brief screw wherein rabbits do it longer, the noise of a fight is heard upstairs and the owner calls for the bouncer. Ivan…. uh, Tork (Torque? Who cares?) played by Vince Bandero who is fighting with Chaz Carlton. When Kyle and Tommy intervene, Tommy is badly injured. Kyle vows revenge and is persuaded by Peter Wilder to avenge himself in an underground wrestling match wherein the loser must service the winner. But first, Kyle must learn to wrestle. (Odd that a bouncer doesn’t know this, isn’t it? “I’m a lover, not a fighter,” Kyle tells us. Well then, kid, you were in the wrong job.) He witnesses a demonstration match between Jason Branch and Talvin DeMacchio. (I’ve always had a thing Talvin.) Talvin loses and must suck Jason’s dick. Peter strips and joins them, going down on Talvin. Quick as a wink the action cuts to Talvin’s dick in Peter’s ass and Jason’s cock in Peter’s mouth. It’s another short sex scene. Don’t drop your remote or you’ll miss it.

We have a montage of Kyle working out with Jason, Talvin, and Sonny Markham with Kyle always losing until he finally triumphs over Sonny. Cut to Kyle naked on his stomach on a massage table being give a rubdown by Sonny. Sonny tells Kyle to turn over then heads to the showers. Both Kyle and we were hoping for more. Maybe the fact that Kyle’s cock was soft annoyed Sonny. This is the first time we’ve seen Kyle’s cock. (It was buried in Tommy’s tush before and in Kyle’s hand when he was yanking off.) It’s a nice brown one. Kyle, frustrated, lubes up preparing to jackoff but we abruptly cut away. Damn! Damn! Damn!

We are at the wrestling arena and Sonny is paired with Tony Acosta. It’s a two out of three falls match. Sonny wins the first and Tony, the second. Even with a broken wrist Sonny secures the third fall and Tony goes down on the victor’s dick. Tony grabs it like a pit bull on a postman. It appears that he’s trying to rip it right off. This and the match itself have been marred by a wobbling hand-held camera that gets too close to the action and swish pans. Had it gone on longer I would have needed a Dramamine. (Acosta has a fabulous dick and it’s a real pity no one takes notice of it.)

Well, Sonny is set to fight the winner of the next match who will probably be Tork, but with his broken wrist he can’t win and if he forfeits the match he forfeits his ass. What to do? What to do? I know. Don’t you? The next match is between Tork (Vince Bandero) and Dorfman (Chaz Carlton). Seems Tommy is now Chaz’s hero for getting wounded in coming to his aid. Well, of course, Vince wins the match and Chaz is forced to submit both orally and anally to Vince. But the match and the sex are disrupted by switching back and forth from Black and White to Color. It’s much too distracting to let us get involved in the sex.

Tork (Vince) now calls on Sonny to fight or forfeit his ass, but Rocky…uh, Kyle bounds into the ring and (surprise, surprise) beats Vince. Vince is left bareass on the canvas, but does Kyle take advantage of his winning. NO! (Damn!)

Chaz visits the semi-comatose Tommy in hospital and proceeds to give him a blowjob. But before Tommy cums we cut away to a mystic scene with a dry ice machine pumping fog onto the set. Sonny is naked on a staircase. A naked Kyle approaches and goes down on Sonny’s dick. Tommy is there too, watching and pulling his peter. Cut back to the hospital where Tommy is getting his blowjob (Oh, I get it now, Tommy is dreaming of the foggy scene.) Back in the dream scene, Tommy is sucking Kyle’s limp cock. Then Sonny is fucking Tommy, very, v-e-r-y slowly as Kyle is now the masturbator. After these three cum, the dream ends, Chaz jacks off Tommy in the bed. They kiss and the film ends. (I guess Tommy takes Chaz as his new lover and is dumping Kyle?)

BUT WAIT! There’s more!

Prior to the film we saw two previews one of which was a jackoff film called “Show Hard, Make it Spit” and it’s included in the extras section under “Solos”.

1. Tony Acosta in “Photo Shoot”- Tony is wearing tiger skin briefs in a setting with statues of Egyptian pharaohs. (There are no tigers in Egypt, but what the hell.) Tony shows us his butthole, and strums himself through the briefs and feels up the musculature on the statues before whipping out his uncut beauty. (As I mentioned earlier it is a good one.) He jacks off with a finger in his ass.

2. Talvin DeMacchio in “The Smell of Cum”- What a beautiful bod this stud has! As he strokes himself he tells of his sex life aboard ship in the navy. It’s the greatest recruiting spiel I’ve ever heard and it will make you want to join right up. Sweat drips from his handsome face and his luscious bod as he shoots a fine load.

3. Jason Branch in “Cum Suckers” – Jason is stroking that large symbol of manhood. He asks us if we want to go down on it and tells us what we could and should do with it. (Barkis is willin’) When he sticks it through the back rungs of a Windsor chair, it’s one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen. I hadn’t really been a fan of Jason’s before, but I am now! He drops his load onto the seat.

4. Vince Bandero is next in “Hungry Ass” – He’s in an open hospital robe on a bed in a hospital waiting for the doctor. He tells us all the things he wants the doctor to do for him. Vince’s dick is another foreskin wonder and he plays with the skin in a way to make all circumcised boys hate their parents. He too (as do they all) talks to the viewer. “Do you want to, etc.?” Vince’s is the most seductive patter, delivered in a soft insinuating whisper. “Want to cum together?” (Yes, we do.) He cums in his hand.

5. Sonny Markham finishes up in Cock Workout”. He’s in the wrestling ring in his wrestling gear. He exercises on the ropes showing off his great musculature. He begins to lower the wresting costume as he applies baby oil to his body. Naked, he jacks off looking at straight magazines. His cum lands on their pages.

According to the preview and the DVD back, Tony Cummings was to appear here as well, but he doesn’t. Pity, as I like Tony.

So, why am I giving a good (3 ½ stars) to a film where the sex is less than average. Well the guys are nice to look at, and there was a lot of thought and effort put into this one. It’s fun. It’s just not a pud-pounder. But I don’t think the director wanted it to be a mere jackoff film. Still, he neglected the sex in favor of story and gimmickry—and that goes against their reason for being. I actually found the solos in the extras section the hottest sex here, which is why I gave the extras 4 ½ stars. I was also interested in seeing the notorious Kyle Bradford. He’s attractive, is a good actor, and okay at sex. But, I don’t believe his story at all. The superstar could far and away have done better.