Big Wet Asses 12 Review

Reviewed by Diville  on  1/18/2008

There hasn't been a cast this impressive since Paul Newman, Steve McQueen, Fred Astaire and O.J. Simpson teamed up for The Towering Inferno. But unlike the stars of Big Wet Asses 12, none of those luminaries ever got his sphincter pulled out shape like a Stretch Armstrong doing pilates. Here, you have Eva Angelina, Jenna Haze, Jenny Hendrix, Shyla Stylez, Claire Dames and Jasmine Byrne all having sex--both vaginally and anally--for your carnal entertainment.

There's a tried and true formula at work with all the William H. directed entries in the series. And that is each girl offers us some energetic tease (think of a stripper shaking her ass until your wallet pops out of your pants). Then she gets her ass wetted down and oiled up before launching right into the sex. The energy on this DVD is amped up throughout, so if you like your tease more aggressive than what most deliver, you'll like what you'll see.

When asking if it's worth buying, that cast list may be all the answer regular porn fans need to know. But for those who have more questions than that, I have answers.

I'd rather see Eva Angelina do anal than find a bag of money in the street? Is my enthusiasm warranted?

I'm really the wrong one to ask about this. I like seeing a pretty girl's poop chute put through the ringer as much as the next depraved porn fan, but I don't put the anus on a pedestal, either. I'm perfectly content with pussy. I really am. And Eva does such enlightening things with hers that I've never felt like anything was missing from her movies. Alas, here she is doing what so many of my porn watching breathern crave. She takes Michael Stefano's cock in her ass. And she seems to enjoy it. She's not gaping at the moon, or anything, but she smiles and laughs and makes all the appropriate noises to signify this is what she likes to do. And I liked watching it.

I'm confused. Are you saying Eva is into it, or is she going through the motions?

Well, while the scene was playing I stepped into the kitchen to get an apple, and while I was out, Eva's moans and grunts got so animalistic that I thought there was a dingo eating a baby in my living room.

That's Eva for you. I think it says something about what kind of following she has if Jenna Haze does anal in the same video and doesn't get the box cover.

That's a good way of putting it. That speaks for how big a following Eva, and her ass, really have. This is among the best Jenna Haze scenes I've seen recently. Her ass doesn't qualify as big, but once they get her oiled down it certainly counts as wet. And fine. Despite her years in the business, both as a wanton slut and a girls-only contract star, Jenna hasn't lost a step. She's as enthusiastic as ever when she's giving James Deen head and riding his cock. For such a small girl, she's got a pretty powerful motor on her.

And one of the things I like best about Jenna Haze is that there's so much joy in her sex scenes. She sucks cock with such gleeful abandon that I think a gypsy must have cursed her with the inability to distinguish between semen and candy.

Sometimes I tell women in bars that my jizz tastes like SweetTarts.

OK. Good luck with that.

And how great does Jenny Hendrix's ass look? Her ass is to me as that mountain was to to Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. I can't stop thinking about it.

It's spectacular, alright. I've even set an appointment with my clergyman to talk about the best way to ask God to deliver it to my face. And she's somehow able to look girl-next-door cute and stripper sexy in equal measure. She gets it on with Sascha in her scene, and before she even gets his cock out of his pants she dry humps him with such forceful intensity that all that vegetable oil he poured on her ass was seconds away from reaching its smoke point. But she doesn't carry it too far. They get right into the sex where she does all the stuff I dig, except there's no blow job. But I can live with that. When you go to a steak house, you don't order the fish, and when you buy a movie called Big Wet Asses it's probably not extended mouth action that grabbed your attention

So, you predict a bright future for Ms. Hendrix?

I don't think Jenny's career could blow up any bigger if her pussy was the Hindenburg.

I'm also glad to see Shyla Stylez is in this movie. She looks like what would happen if a wizard brought a fuck doll to life. How's her scene?

I like Shyla, too. She has that prototypical California blonde pornstar look that never goes out of style. That look is a pornographic evergreen. And she's very smart, what with being a tit girl who reinvented herself as an ass girl. If she were a meal, she'd be Surf 'n Turf. And I'd eat her.

Clever turn of phrase, Hemingway. Just tell me about the scene.

OK, OK. She follows the formula. Dances like a stripper. Gets oiled up. Sucks Mr. Pete's cock, then folds herself into more positions than a cheap set of lawn furniture. With Eva Angelina on the cover, with Jenna Haze in the cast list and with Jenny Hendrix's career set for supernova, it's easy to overlook Shyla who's always lived on the fringes of porn superstardom. But she's always worth the price of admission. The next time somebody cums on her face, he should stick a blue ribbon on it too, because she's a winner.

Mr. Pete reminds me of somebody, but I can't quite put my finger on it. Can you help me out?

He reminds you of Eric Roberts in Star 80.

Yes! That's it! He took my thumbs, Charlie! He took my thumbs!

No, you're thinking of Eric Roberts in The Pope of Greenwich Village. Nobody has taken Mr. Pete's thumbs, here. Nor, for that matter, his foreskin.

Tell me about Claire Dames who I also see in the cast list

The director who hires Claire is getting a whole lot of woman for his money. She's a big girl. Big titties. Big ass. And the recipient of what eventually turns out to be a big load of jizz. But here's the part that may be of special interest to you. This is her first on-camera anal scene. So, if watching a Reubenesque slattern get ass hammered for the first time on video is your type of porn, then your welcome.

Lets bring it on home. Tell me all about Jasmine Byrne

What do you mean, like where she's from, what she does on the weekends, whether she prefers dogs to cats?

No. How does she look getting cornholed

Oh, she looks good. I'll be honest, though. Before now I never gave Jasmine much thought. And with her scene being this video's caboose, I'd planned on fast forwarding through it so I could go back for seconds on Jenny Hendrix, but you know what? I dug it. And I dug her. She's got really great legs, this girl. And good skin, too. If not for all the shrieking, ass slapping and cumming, her skin is so smooth and unblemished I would have thought John Strong was fucking a wax figure of Jasmine Byrne. Not to mention, they spend a little time (not enough, though) in what has become my favorite position, with him bouncing her on his dick while standing. I like that position so much I've spent the last three weeks training to do it myself by masturbating with ankle weights strapped to my wrists.

The only complaint I have is with the enormous tattoo above her tail bone. She's turned the ubiquitous tramp stamp into a goddamn mural. If this DVD had an optional audio track it would be with the re-animated corpse of Jackson Pollack complaining, "Even I don't know what the fuck that's supposed to be."

Quick, which of these two is more awesome: Evel Knievel or Funnel Cakes

Excellent question. I really do like a funnel cake, but too many will make me fat and heart diseased. I never, never, never get tired of watching Evel Knievel wreck his motorcycle after jumping the fountain at Caesar's Palace. So, the correct answer is Evel Knievel.

Can you tell me about the extras on this DVD?

Not only will I tell you about them, but I'll also shout them at you if I watch the bonus Kinzie Kenner scene one more time without some kind of release. Taken from volume 7 of this series, Kinzie slicks herself up then goes about the business of reminding me how stupid top quality vagina can make a man. By the time Sascha gets his dick in her ass, she has me to the point where I've forgotten my middle name, what it is I do for a living, and looking for how I can turn my 401(k) into a cashier's check made out to her vulva.

There's also a photo gallery, a few behind the scenes clips, some trailers, and a cum shot recap.

Last question, I promise. What kind of pants would you recommend I wear while watching this DVD?

The kind that are around your ankles.