Big Wet Asses Review

Reviewed by Crucifixio Jones  on  3/14/2004

Big Wet Asses
****
From Elegant Angel
2004, 2 hours and 10 minutes minutes
Produced and directed by Thomas Zupko
Starring Ana Nova, Katja Kassin, Holly Day, Rhiannon Bray, Gia Paloma and Mick Blue

Synopsis:

This is the deranged shit I’m used to seeing from Patrick Collins’ hedonistic House of Ideas. Fucking weird shit for no goddamn discernable reason at all. A huge clown face and a black leather couch covered in clear plastic are the surroundings here and I have no idea, nor is there an explanation given as to, why. It just is. Accept it. I agree, that it’s probably more David Lynchian and potentially horrific than erotic, but that‘s what Elegant Angel does and they do it best. The lone male performer, Mick Blue is armed with an assortment of toys, most of which are regular household items modified into adult paraphernalia, like someone left a 12-year-old alone in a kitchen with a stack of Hustler magazine and came back a month later to see what his mad mind had created. This is director Thomas Zupko‘s first stab at gonzo and I have to say he‘s fallen right in line with what I‘ve expected from the home of Collins, William H. and others.

The Action:

Ana Nova

We begin with a montage of Ana in various states of undress and tasting her fingers. When that short piece finishes, she stands before Blue in some blue acid washed denim shorts and a flimsy brown vest. Blue, adorned in a white construction worker’s hard hat, slick yellow raincoat covered by a plastic blue cooking apron and blaze orange dishwashing gloves, has an enema bottle wrapped around his neck and goes to work on Nova’s ass with a dildo attached to a blue plastic water gun handle of some sort. Nova has to have the most amazing nipples I’ve seen in a long time. It’s like one nipple, then another nipple stacked on top of it and they are perpetually erect. She spits on them repeatedly while she and Mick both suck and lick on them. Ana pulls her vest up over her tits and goes down on Mick, taking his cock and his dildo gun into her mouth at the same time. Blue fucks her cleavage a little while Nova does her best to cram his entire length to the back of her throat. Some good camerawork by Zupko here as we get an underside view that prominently showcases Nova’s otherworldly breasts. Nova jumps Mick cowgirl first, letting him pound away at her ass while they both share her pointy double eraser head nipples. Tiring of regular old vaginal penetration, Ana reaches back and without missing a beat, inserts Mick into her ass. After some a2m crosskicking, Ana settles her ass back onto Mick reverse cowgirl, her nipples pointing skyward and so rock hard, I’m afraid they might start picking up radio stations. I listen for Howard Stern every time she opens her mouth or goes down to suck Blue‘s dick a2m, but no such luck. After fingering her ass some more, Mick turns Ana on her side and ravages her rectum from that position until he shoots streams of white frosting all over the strudel’s chin and neck. Some run-of-the-mill fucking from Blue but Ana‘s awesome.

Holly Day

Holly is porcelain doll white with curly brown shoulder length hair with yet again, amazing nipples and a matching ass who looks to have borrowed Belladonna’s mouth for the day; she has a nearly identical smile and gap in her teeth. Mick nonsensically dancing around is interspersed throughout the footage of Holly fingering and tasting her bung. He’s got on another similarly crazy outfit (blue raincoat this time and yellow gloves), this time topped off by some really thick fake glasses, like the kind you would see Jerry Lewis wear in The Nutty Professor or if someone wanted to insult a stereotypical Asian scientist. Blue puts his fingers in Day’s asshole and pussy and takes turns alternating, ramming them in and out. Day gives Blue a gag-happy no-hands hummer and Zupko cuts to a dia del muerte bobble head before rejoining the action where Mick and Holly are engaged in a sixty-nine. Well, more like a sixty-eight: Day’s chugging cock big time, but Mick’s only shoving his fingers in her ass, prepping her for the inevitable anal action. I guess he’ll owe her one. After fingering her ass a bit, Mick pours a bucket of liquid over Holly’s butt and then dives right in doggie. From there we move to Day lowering her big wet dimpled ass onto Mick cowgirl. I guess with an ass that size, it’s bound to have some cottage cheese-like divots in it. Maybe it makes the a2m she does taste better. Blue lies Holly on her side like he finished up with Ana in the first scene and pours a little more of his magic concoction from his bucket over Day’s ass before assaulting her anus once more. Day makes sure we get a good look and pulls her cheeks apart further before giving Mick some more ass-to-mouth affection. I’m assuming Mick must really like this position because it’s not long before he drops his goo on Holly’s face in the same manner he did in the first scene.

Rhiannon Bray

“I want a sleazy whore with a big wet ass, you understand?” Mick Blue is yelling. He’s talking to the clown head. “I need big wet ass! Do you hear me?” He’s irate. Rhiannon Bray enters in a skimpy black skintight outfit to fulfill his request. The clown head gods must’ve been listening. Mick gets his ‘work’ gloves nice and wet in his mystery bucket then sets about covering Bray’s ass with his special motion lotion. He’s working every crevice, running his fingers all over and into her ass, between her legs and into her pussy. Wait, is that a toy car? He just ran a Hot Wheels racer down the crack of her ass. If you could see me right now, you’d see me shaking my head and then putting it in my hands like Paul Reiser. I knew this guy was 12. Rhiannon gives him a rough blowjob before getting tossed over and banged doggie, though not anally…yet. The over-the-shoulder view of Rhiannon’s ass gives me new appreciation for it. I never knew Bray’s butt was so spectacular. It’s like a heart-shaped version of two normal women’s asses. Each cheek could be a butt all by itself. Or at least that’s how it looks really close up. And the camera adds ten pounds, right? I’m sure I’ll meet Bray in person some day and my ass’ll be bigger than hers. Porn is so deceptive. Smoke and mirrors, man…smoke and mirrors. All porn stars are actually the size of Tom Cruise or smaller. What you see on film is a carefully crafted optical illusion. You heard it here first. Blue fingers Rhiannon’s ass briefly before plunging in headlong, the view from partly underneath and behind the action, as magnificent as we’ve come to expect thus far. Blue brings his tool around for some ass-to-mouth and then lies Rhiannon on her side…could the scene be wrapping up? That’s the problem with having only one male performer throughout your entire movie. If he doesn’t switch up his approach, it’s not hard to pick up on his tendencies and eventually the action will become boring to watch because of his cookie cutter methods. Thankfully, Rhiannon’s romp doesn’t end there; Mick still hasn’t hit cowgirl yet so we’ve got to get that out of the way. Bray takes all the Mick can dish out this position before jumping down and bending over until he strokes out his cream over her ass. It runs down her crack and into her gaping asshole. It would have been nice, in a nod to continuity, to see Blue run that Hot Wheels truck down the split in her tush then. Would the car have fallen into her gape like the cum? I guess now we’ll never know.

Gia Paloma

Gia, my GAWD, Paloma has a huge ass. If Rhiannon’s could’ve been two, Gia could safely and easily supply four asses to the more butt deficient members of our population and still have more left over for herself. I can’t quite place Gia’s ethnicity, but she’s got an exotic, latina-ish look (she‘s Italian we learn in the Behind the Scenes). “You like my big fat wet fucking ass?” she asks in between clips of her smacking her ass and baring her tits. She’s wearing black fishnet stockings, a matching bra and a cool black beret-type hat. Mick is already taking his dildo gun (red now) to her ass. He then turns Gia around for the roughest blowjob sequence of the entire DVD; it’s something straight out of Gag Factor with Mick simply holding Gia’s head in place by her hair while he speedfucks her face (why my spellchecker keeps trying to change “speedfuck” to “seduce” I’ll never figure out, “while he seduces her face, that‘s so lame. I need to write Microsoft with a list of adult terminology to include in their next version). Blue is not a small guy either, so there are a few moments where either vomit or copious amounts of bile make their way up out of Gia’s throat. There are cuts and edits where it may be too offensive (unlike Slap Happy, which reveled in such activity and occurrences), so fret not, my more timid viewers. Trouper she is, Paloma grins and bears it and keeps on truckin’. Mick puts his hardhat (now yellow) on Gia and beats on it while fucks those big floppy tits of hers, held in check only by her lacy black bra. Paloma hops up on Mick cowgirl anal first, descending occasionally to lick his cock clean. And I mean, REALLY cleaning it, not this bullshit some girls do where they just run their pursed lips over the head a few times. Gia sucks that thing down to the root, brushes her teeth and stretches her jaws with it, leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind whether or not she actually digs a2m or not. Paloma gets bent over doggie next and again, she’s begging to taste Mick’s cock out of her ass. Mick shoves it to the back of her throat until it bends, nearly doubling over itself. Gia just sticks out her tongue and fully accepts his length as far as she possibly can, wrapping her big nasty mouth all over the shaft, wetting it with her saliva, drooling, spitting on it and loving every minute of it. Blue lies Paloma on her side (she’s a tad soft around the middle) for some modified mish, and then all the way to the side as he bangs her from behind, her ass facing him as he stands to the side of the sofa. More rough, gagging a2m here and I’m sensing the curtain call for our reservoir dog, Mr. Blue. Up and over doggie follows and Gia sucks Mick’s toes as he humps away. When we cut to the cumshot, Mick has his entire right foot in Paloma’s mouth and he busts his nut over her face and his own foot. He then forces his foot back into her mouth and rams it in a few times for good measure as we fade out to the final scene.

Katja Kassin

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for and the lady we all came to see. Katja, Lord Have Mercy, Kassin is wearing the outfit that she’s wearing on the cover of the DVD and I swear to you she doesn’t even have to fuck anybody today. She could just keep posing in those fishnets and PVC gear and I would die a happy man. It would be worth the price of the disc. Call me biased but “fuck you”, Katja is really that freakin’ hawt. It’s as if God thought he could play some sort of cruel joke on the German Katja and give her the backend of someone nearly two times her height (and width) and that somehow the natural law of survival of the fittest would be her undoing. I guess the joke’s on you, big man. Not only can Katja walk with that bumper, which I thought might be a nigh-impossible task when I first saw her, but she can screw her ass off (well, not literally…her ass most definitely needs to stay attached). Her thighs and butt are so thick, her fishnets are stretched as far as they can go and are still digging into her flesh. On a fat chick, that’d be gross but on Katja it’s beyond sexy. Mick feeds Katja a long olive colored dildo while he pokes at her ass with homemade dildo ass ray and wets up her big ass. After she lubes it up, he takes it from her and bends it so that he can place it in her ass and her pussy simultaneously. After pushing it into her a few times, he hands it back to Katja and she sucks on it as if it were the best lollipop on God’s green Earth. While she does this, Mick has dipped his rectal rooting ass ray into his bucket ‘o lube and is probing Katja’s crevice again. Kassin climbs down and places herself in harm’s way, right in front of Mick’s hard dick. He grabs a handful of Katja’s hair (which was gorgeous before this blowjob, btw. Kudos to the stylist who did an Oscar-worthy old Hollywood-type job) and rams his prick in and out of her mouth like her face were a piece of notebook paper and his dick was a hole puncher. Mick hoists Katja onto his lap and she works circles over his love muscle with her fat oily ass. In doggie, Kassin’s hip flesh is slightly hanging over the sides of the tops of her fishnets. Again, immeasurably hot. Her big wet ass cannot be contained by mere stockings.

Katja is on her back now, or rather on her shoulders, in the piledriver position, the first time we see Mick employ this position in the entire movie. He puts the olive dildo in Kassin’s ass for a few strokes and then puts his own cock in there to replace it. The olive dildo is then placed in Katja’s pussy for a faux double-penetration. There is some ass-to-mouth here, which Katja has never shied away from nor is any stranger to. Mick soon goes to his old standby, lying Kassin on her side in the spoon position, while he pumps away standing off to one side. It’s a wrap when Blue rubs off his final money shot into Katja’s mouth while standing over her face. She strokes his dick and runs the head over her lips and her pierced tongue to end the disc.

Extras:

Trailers (Gonzomania, Succulence, Glazed and Confused, Real Female Orgasms #4 and Sodomania #40 All-Star Jam), Bonus Scenes (Rhiannon Bray’s alternate ending where she gets fucked by someone else again immediately after her original scene ends and Katja Kassin’s bonus ending where her scene also goes on longer; she gives Tony T a blowjob after her scene originally ends), Behind the Scenes (talking to Katja Kassin in the makeup chair, Zupko and Blue dressing the set: “It’s all smoke and mirrors.” SEE! I TOLD YOU!, Katja taking stills for the what will eventually become the cover, Gia Paloma showing up late, etc.), website info and phone sex ads.

Comments:

If it’s one thing I’m big on in adult movies, it’s sequencing. The scenes should be arranged in the same way an artist arranges an album. You want a strong opener, but you don’t want that to be your most powerful effort. If it is, your movie is practically downhill from the first scene. I’ve seen my share of flicks last year and already this year that have done that. You want to spread the wealth evenly. There should be a definite balance and Zupko has found that in the way he has put together Big Wet Asses. Take your audience on a journey, but don’t wear them out from the jump nor do you want to bore them silly waiting for one good scene. I appreciate the scorching premier segment with the ultra-nasty Ana “Super” Nova. I also like the fact that he had the good sense to realize that honestly, no one could follow that. So, he provided a cool-down period with Holly Day and slowly ratcheted back up the “nasty” meter with Bray and finally newcummer, Paloma. The biggest and best name was a natural closer, so Katja Kassin, the cover girl, gets those honors. In word: Perfect. The girls and sex were on point, the concept and execution are both winners. Go get it.

Crucifixio Jones