Alternative Worldz Review

Reviewed by Tongue in Groove  on  9/16/2005

Not too long ago I reviewed a flick which I dubbed the “worst porn movie of all time” (or words to that affect). I now have to rate that piece of junk #2. The new leader: “Alternative Worldz #1: Atlanta.”

That this could ever be marketed as porn is an insult to an industry that has few scruples. Aside from one hardcore scene between Tabitha Stern and her hubby Jonathan Stern (the only male in the cast), and four lezouts, there is no sex to speak of (with the exception of the final scene, which gets its own category).

The entire movie is nothing more than rigorously tattooed, overly pierced, heavyset, unattractive women painting themselves, poring milk and dripping candle wax on their bodies, and various other unappealing acts. This is the DVD version of the cable show “Real Sex.”

I defy any red-blooded male (above the age of 12) to get a hard-on over the antics of these often obese women. There are inane interviews with each woman and lots of plugs for their websites. MTV-style music and editing make it basically unwatchable.

There are plenty of Mohawk and other unsightly hairdos, some toe sucking (I guess that’s close to sex), some dildo play, and tons of fetish-type outfits, but nothing remotely sexy or flattering. If these women (who often refer to themselves as “performance artists” and “fetish models”) are typical of Atlanta chicks, I’ll pass on that city for a vacation destination.

There is a Bonus Disc in the set, but, to be honest, I was so turned off by Disc One that I couldn’t be bothered to load it into my player.

If your idea of a turn-on is overweight, heavily-inked, weirdly-coiffed women playing with themselves, this one’s for you. For the rest of you (those who reside on Planet Earth), run quickly away if you see it on your store shelf. Or you’ll hate yourself in the morning!