Who Wants To Marry Me? Review

The gist: But it's about a reality dating show, so of course it's cheesy. And Evan Stone is around to provide the ham. The plot doesn't work too hard, just quickly setting up the "dates", i.e. sex scenes. I wanted to see this because it's full of women I love, and I'd never seen Brianna Blaze or Vicky Vette in a feature. Well, now I have. That's about all I can say.

The play-by-play: We open with Gina Ryder auditioning for producer Evan Stone. We all know there's only one way this can go, and we're not disappointed. No, wait, predictability is disappointing. Oh well, at least it's Gina Ryder, possibly my favorite face and smile in the business.

The lighting is bright and a little harsh. And for the opening BJ, the closeups are a little too close, focusing on lips and cock, and cutting out too much of the rest of Gina. And ... oh, no. There it is, that horrible, frustrating camera angle from behind her ear, at the five o'clock position. Great, my favorite twinkling eyes to look at during a blowjob, and we can't see them. Major demerits.

Well, at least we get some titty-fucking with Gina on her back, always an underutilized activity. Evan moves on to fuck her scissors-style and reverse cowgirl on the floor, then pops on her lips and in her mouth.

Evan goes home to Vicky Vette, apparently his girlfriend and a ringer as a contestant. Judging from the first two scenes, he must like that spherical silicone. Vicky looks quite fetching, as usual, in a hot pink lacy bra and panties, but they're gone all too quickly. Again the lighting is none too forgiving -- we get a pretty detailed look at Vicky's razor bumps downstairs -- but fortunately she doesn't really have anything to hide. She looks great in the cowgirl vag, spoon anal, very brief RCA and doggie anal. The pop goes on the cooch.

So the show begins, and we meet Vicky's competition: Felix Vicious and Nina Bonet. Looks like we're going to see the girls go on dates with their prospective guys, presumably in an attempt to get them to propose, not that this detail is made clear. We start with Nina, who is new to me. She gives Rick Masters a very brief massage before getting down to a fairly standard scene (oral exchange, missionary, reverse cowgirl, and a weak, invisible facial).

Vicky takes a moment in the dressing room to give Felix some girl-girl tips. It's a nice-looking scene with two lovely women (oral, oral, dildo, dildo), but I admit my main thought was: "Shit, does this mean Felix isn't going to do a guy in this movie? Goddamnit."

Ah, thank goodness. Felix's date is Trevor, and her plan is to entice him with a threesome. In comes Brianna Blaze (who has no lines, which kind of thwarts my desire to see what she can do in a feature). Again we get too close to Brianna's blowjob. Here's the cutest girl in porn, and what do we do? Cut her face out of the shot. Boo.

It does get better. Brianna grabbing Felix's hair and gently pushing her down on the cock is nice, and the double BJ isn't short-shrifted. Seeing these two share a cock is what porn is all about. The intercourse is brief -- Felix in reverse cowgirl, Brianna in doggie while going down on Felix -- and an attempted double facial ends up mainly on Brianna's neck.

We skip to the conclusion of the show. Felix and Nina struck out, but apparently Vicky and Jay Ashley hit it off. We get their date in a flashback. They dance in an empty ballroom, with Vicky in a sparkly, long but revealing red dress. This results in sex (oral exchange, doggie, reverse cowgirl, mish, oral pop), and the game-winning proposal.

Finally, there's a brief denouement in which Vicky double-crosses and dumps Evan. The End.

Pros: Vicky's on the cover, and she is the star of the show. If you like her (I do), there's plenty of her. The female cast is top-notch all around.

Cons: Would it have been too damned much to ask that the screenplay explain the rules of the game? I guess so.

I love Felix, but man, she really doesn't speak too well with all that hardware perforating her tongue (her piercing seems unusually large). It doesn't help her acting.

This is an el cheapo production all around. The sets are awfully sparse. The ballroom sequence in particular looks like crap. Blank walls, a chair in the middle of the room to fuck on. Gee, nice effort.

Condom note: I guess I've been away for a while, because I remember VCA as a condom company. They were used only in Evan Stone's two scenes.

DVD extras: None to speak of. A disappointment.

Summing up: Just a typical low-effort feature, but no worse than average. Valuable mainly to major Vicky Vette fans or people like me who are determined to see everything from Brianna Blaze's all-too-brief career.

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