Vanilla Cream Pies Review

Reviewed by astroknight  on  5/14/2005

The Little Details

Running Time: 111 min.

Production Date: 10 / 13 - 20 / 2004

Director: Martin Del Toro

Cast: Deja Daire, Jamie Brookes, Lauren Phoenix, Shy Love, Trinity, Jean Valjean, Justin Magnum, Tommy Gunn, Trent Tesoro, and Van Damage

The Short Story

Initial Expectations: Mmmm. Cream pies...

Initial Reaction: The scenes on their own are okay, but as a group the entire movie leaves a bit to be desired.

Who Should Watch It : Fans of the stars who don’t want a lot of variety

Who Should Avoid It: Anybody wanting all real cream pies and more than just one anal cream pie

The Technical Stuff

Audio /Video Quality: The technical aspects are okay. The audio is normally pretty well balanced, but there are a few balance problems early in the scenes and there are also a few background noises. The video is pretty good. It’s nicely lit and barely has any grain. There’s a little camera motion and a few fast zooms, but they rarely interfere with the action.

Music: There’s a little music that rests quietly in the background during the teases. It doesn’t really help or hurt the scenes.

Disc Complaints: The movie’s split between two titles, with the break coming about 67 minutes into the movie, just after the third scene starts. As usual, once it enters the second title you can’t go back to the previous title without going back through the main menu. This was fairly common in the early days of DVD, but I thought companies had moved past it well over a year ago. If that’s not bad enough, the third scene gets about five seconds in, then hits the title change, and restarts. This authoring give the DVD a very primitive and cheap feel that brings my thoughts and hopes for Colossal down a bit.

Menus: There’s only one menu in DVD, which combines a still from the cover with a few windows that let you choose a scene by a small clip and a chapter number or one of the two extras. It’s not too impressive.

The Feature

The scenes all follow a very simple formula. Each girl starts out with a martini glass of milk. She plays with it a bit, fucks a guy, and then squeezes his cum out of her pussy and into the glass. Afterwards she plays with it.

Scene 1 - Lauren Phoenix and Tommy Gunn

Lauren, a smoking hot brunette whom everybody should have seen in at least three or four movies by now, starts things out lapping a little milk out of a martini glass. She lets it slop over her tits and the floor and even sticks her fishnet-clad foot and spike heel in the glass to bring it up and taste it from while playing to the camera. When Tommy appears with a hard cock for her she dips his cock into the milk to taste it and keeps a little in her mouth as she sucks him. She meows and drools on the camera as she sucks Tommy, and then lets him spank and lick her pussy from behind. Tommy moves on to fuck Lauren’s kitty like a dog before lubing up and fucking her ass missionary style. Lauren sits up to suck her ass off Tommy’s cock a few times before moving up for a reverse cowgirl ride. She also lets Tommy pile drive each of her holes, with a quick break for him to eat her again, before he finally pops in her pussy. Lauren squats back over her glass, squeezes it out, and then plays with it with a big smile without swallowing it down.

This is a pretty good scene with a few minor faults. First, I’m not big on performers mugging the camera, and Lauren is pretty merciless at during some of the scene with Del Toro appearing to instigate it. More importantly to me is some of the position choices. There’s nothing wrong with the positions used here, but cowgirl is left out. Lauren has one of the most perfect asses in porn, and it just seems wrong to leave cowgirl out when you have a girl with that good of an ass. Finally, with the anal focus on the scene it feels a little off with the vaginal cream pie rather than going for the anal cream pie. This is still a pretty good scene, but it’s lack of attention to Lauren’s ass doesn’t let it get close to where it should have been.

Scene 2 - Deja Daire and Trent Tesoro

Goth-looking Deja starts things out in a red fetishy outfit drinking from a milk filled martini glass. Once again she uses her shoe heel to play with the milk, and even throats the heel a little before Trent appears with a cock to suck. She takes him into her throat as well as sucking his balls, and even lets him slap her around a bit. Trent works her over from behind a little before letting Deja ride him reverse cowgirl style. He also gives her a missionary style fucking before letting Deja climb back up for a cowgirl ride. He continues to work her over through doggie and spooning until he finally pops in her pussy. Afterwards, she squirts it out of her pussy and into the glass. Once again, she plays with it a little before the scene fades out.

This is a scene that should have really worked for me, but just didn’t. Deja really seems to be into Trent and a bit of the rough treatment, and her approval is obvious through both her vocals and how she fucks him. Unfortunately, she played to the camera a bit to much for me, which lost me early in the scene. She was a bit on the edge for me from the start, as her looks don’t really do anything for me despite having a great ass, but when she started mugging the camera she lost me to the point that I just couldn’t get into the scene. This one ended up below average for me.

Scene 3 - Trinity and Justin Magnum

Brunette Trinity starts out playing with her milk in a pink bra and sheer black panties. She sticks her foot in the milk to lick it off and laps at it on all fours on the floor. She’s soon after joined by Justin, and goes right to work giving him a sloppy hummer with a little help from one of her heels. Trinity moves up to bounce on Justin’s magnum meat cowgirl style before hopping off to take it into her throat again. She lets him fuck her from behind and bounces on his bone reverse cowgirl style before letting him shoot his load into her twat missionary style. Of course she squirts it out into the glass, as well as all over the bedspread behind, before she takes a few tastes.

This is another okay scene, and the ending barely let it make it that far. Trinity puts out some very nice energy as well as nice vocals. She mugs the camera a little, but not nearly as bad as some of the other girls. The camera captures it nicely, but also puts in a few key edits. The main edit is right before the “cream pie”, which looks obviously faked. It doesn’t have close to the consistency nor the texture of real cum, and has about the same look as the milk that Trinity was playing with at the start of the scene. Although the scene starts out fairly strong, the fake creampie quickly kills most of what it had going for it.

Scene 4 - Jamie Brooks and Van Damage

Jamie, who’s light hair is further bleached, of course plays with her milk to start things out. She uses her feet and pink heel to help her, and eagerly attacks Van’s cock when it’s offered to her with a bit of a milk mustache. Jamie takes him into her throat repeatedly without help and gives Van plenty of stroking before pulling her black and pink panties aside and letting him fuck her cunt missionary style. She gives him a bit more oral attention before letting him fuck her doggie style and spooning her. They keep it up with a bit of pile driving before Van pops in Jamie’s pussy. She squeezes it out into the glass and plays with it a bit before the scene ends.

This is an average at best scene that only makes it that far for a surprising reason. There’s great chemistry between Jamie and Van, but apparently Jamie’s way too good at what she does here. Van has to continually stop fucking her so he doesn’t pop, and it seemed rare for him to fuck her fifteen seconds in a row without having to pull out, stop to slap his cock, or stop to eat her pussy or ass a little. Yes, they’re definitely into each other, but they just can’t keep the momentum going in the scene. Instead it’s constantly interrupted and I was thrown out of the scene repeatedly. There’s even a few edits around the cream pie, but this time the cum looks real. The best thing about this scene is that Jamie didn’t play to the camera like the other girls did.

Scene 5 - Shy Love and Jean Valjean

Shy starts out the final scene in jean short shorts, a pink fishnet top, and black shoes enjoying her milk with her fingers. Of course Jean walks in with a hard cock for her to suck, and she has to play with the milk a little as she enjoys his meat and plays to the camera a little. She lies back for Jean to fuck her missionary style before letting him have her ass through a bit of reverse cowgirl and spooning. Jean also spears Shy’s sphincter doggie style and pile drives it before letting her suck her ass off his cock and climbing up for an anal cowgirl ride. Finally, Shy lies back for a bit of anal missionary and an anal cream pie. She cumfarts it back out into the glass and then rubs it around her tits while mugging the camera.

This is easily the best scene in the movie, and it actually makes it up to the hot notch. Shy and Jean have great chemistry and put fantastic energy into the scene. They make their way through plenty of positions and look like they’re having a great time through all of it. Shy mugs the camera a little, but it rarely interfered with the scene for me here. I also love that she finishes it with an anal cream pie, and the only thing that could have made it better would have been some cum eating. Shy and Jean definitely end Vanilla Cream Pies on a high note.

Vanilla Cream Pies is an okay cream pie movie that never comes close to using its potential. That potential, obviously, is the cast. Deja Daire to me was the weak link, but when you have four performers well known for putting out hot and nasty performances, you shouldn’t end up bored with a porno. Here, that happened fairly rapidly for a few reasons. First, most of the performers aren’t used as well as they should have been. Lauren has an ass to die for, yet it was barely shown or used in its full glory. Jamie is one of the best trash talkers out there and puts out a fantastic anal scene, but nope, it seems like she’s held back through most of her scene and is partnered with Van, who seems he can barely control himself through the scene. Trinity gets a cream pie that’s obviously faked. The scenes also lack due everybody but Jamie mugging the camera. The biggest anchor around the neck of Vanilla Cream Pies, however, is that the scenes lack imagination or originality by taking one scene setup and completely driving it into the ground. There’s nothing wrong with the martini glass full of milk and how it was used here to start and end a scene. Having it used for every scene, however, made each scene start out a notch lower for me because I felt like I was just watching the same scene all over again. There’s some nice energy and chemistry in Vanilla Cream Pies, but it quickly loses itself in a rut that never lets it get to the high ground its cast should have led it to with their eyes closed.

The Extra Stuff

Trailers are included for Bitches in Heat, Ass Latin As They Cum, and Cumsumption (which I think is to be Cum Sumption Cocktails). They’re just slapped together on one chapter on the DVD so that you don’t get to choose which trailer you watch and so that you have to scan through the entire trailer if it’s one you’re not interested in to get to the next. The photo gallery lasts almost three minutes with about five seconds per good looking snapshot.

The Down -n- Dirty Sex Stuff

Themes: Straight, anal, ass to mouth, creampies (vaginal and anal), and rimming (male > female)

Raincoat Factor: Very high

Condom Usage: None

The Bottom Line:

Currently, many of Colossal’s DVDs can be found online for between about $16 and $25 with stores offering them everywhere in between. Rent this one first. It has some decent sex, but never got to the level it seems it should have with the cast that’s here. The technical aspects are pretty well done, but there’s virtually no effort put into the extras and the DVD authoring leaves plenty to be desired. This is an okay movie on an overall DVD that needs a lot of improvement.

Note to Colossal: A little more creativity and a bit more effort towards your overall DVD could go a long way.

If you have any questions or comments, please e-mail me .

Other reviews by Astroknight