Up 'N Arms Review

Reviewed by Joe Shaver  on  9/23/2005

I’m not a fan of solo videos. If I want to watch someone jerk off, I have a full-length mirror for that. I can count the number of solo films I’ve liked on one hand and still have fingers left over. In order for a solo film to succeed for me it has to have godlike beings or have some clever and novel approach. UP ‘N ARMS really has neither. OH, sure the five guys are handsome and there’s nary a one we wouldn’t want to give more than a helping hand to, but they approach their self-induced orgasms with all the passion of an officer worker finishing an unpleasant job so he can go home. And what is worse—the DVD is obviously a compilation!

The first up is Tommy Gant—the clean-cut muscular stud on the cover. Keeping a blank expression on his face, he pulls out his average dick and strokes it with thumb and forefingers. The camera pans underneath to make it appear bigger than it is. (Never photograph a cock from a high angle it will make it look tiny. A low angle makes it seem gargantuan.) So, with only an average dick, it’s Tommy’s muscular chest that gives him his appeal and it’s a long time before he removes his shirt. By then he’s almost ready to cum. There is voice dubbed over unless Tommy is a ventriloquist and can talk without moving his lips.

Rusty Ormand is our next wanker. (I don’t know why he’s called Rusty—he doesn’t have red hair.) We see him wearing a construction helmet and disembarking from a piece of construction equipment. As soon as he enters his trailer he pulls out his cock and begins. Happily, unlike Tommy, he strips naked very quickly enabling us to admire his wiry physique. Now Rusty is the only one of our wankers to get original. He plops his prick onto a table, presses his hand down on the top of his prick, and fucks the table. (And I thought only God could make a tree.)

Devin Davenport has a dick that seems to be about two feet long. Now if I needed any further proof that this is a compilation here it is. Devon appeared in films over a decade ago. I have pictures of him from magazines that are very old indeed. He enters in marine fatigues and stands before an unseen officer who tells him to remove his uniform, sit in a chair, and charm his cobra. Once Devin has managed to induce some sperm to travel that long distance from his big floppy balls to the end of his cock and beyond, he’s told to bend over and show his ass. It’s a nice ass with a tight little pucker that seems to never have been touched by human hands or anything else.

Todd Paris resembles a young Kirk Douglas, but facially only as Todd is uncut. The pricks of all the others have been mutilated. i.e. circumcised. (The reason circumcision is performed is to make the penis less sensitive so little boys don’t play with themselves. It seems to have had no effect with the studs here—or anywhere for that matter.) Todd begins by chining himself in a doorway. Then he lies on his back on the patio and pulls down his shorts to reveal his weenie. Todd does what the majority of guys do in solo videos; they pound away desperately trying to cum. I began to fear friction would remove his foreskin after all. The picture in this scene is not sharp, no doubt it’s taken from an old VHS and they haven’t even bothered to enhance it.

The final scene begins with Tommy Gant and Jim Connors riding their surfboards. They emerge from the sea up onto the beach where they dry off, spread their towels, and sit down. Jim, a cute curly-headed tyke, suggests they go for a drink. They go back to Jim’s place. After propping their surfboards against the house, Jim goes inside and Tommy strips off his trunks, sits down on a lounge chair, and starts stroking his cock. When Jim returns (without drinks, I might add) he stands transfixed at the sight of Tommy’s stiff cock. Tommy suggests that Jim get his rocks off too. So there they sit side by side in separate chairs stoking their cocks. From the way Jim is stealing looks at Tommy's cock, it's obvious he wants to touch it and maybe go down on it. The viewers long for the same. But both Jim and the viewers don’t get their desire. What a tease! Tommy cums first. Then they go inside. THE END.

It’s one thing to charge full price for a new film. It’s quite another to charge full price for a hastily edited compilation. I really can’t recommend this one. The guys are nice but the sex is blah. (Or does masturbation even qualify as ‘sex’, President Clinton?) In all the monkey spanking, only Rusty shows any ingenuity. That said, I have to go now and clear the table.