Texas Dildo Masquerade Review

Distributor: Heatwave Edition Details: Standard DVD Movie Specs: Genres: Feature Film, Comedy Also known as: The Texas Dildo Masquerade, Texas Dildo Masquerade Run Time: 113 minutes Rated: X Release Year: 1997 Director: Jim Powers, J.W. Gacy Written by: Jim Powers Cast: Tabitha Stevens, Candy Apples, Mila, Randi Storm, Sweety Pie, Cheyenne (as Cheyanne), Jonathan Morgan, Dave Hardman, Ron Jeremy, Rod Fontana, Steve Hatcher, Kyle Stone, Gina Rome (as Pussyface) Release Specs: Audio: English Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo, French Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (dubbed), Hungarian Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo (dubbed) Subtitles: none Video: Full Frame, 1.33:1 Video Format: NTSC Format: DVD Regional Code (for DVD/Blu-ray): 0 (All) Number of discs: 1

I am not sure it is possible to put into words exactly how bad Jim Powers' Texas Dildo Masquerade is. It seems that Powers decided to do a parody, I would assume, of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Unfortunately for Powers, making a parody consists of watching the original and then doing a half-assed job of trying to copy it while making it all sex related and not adding any parody to it. The end result is this mess that is actually tortuous to the viewer to watch.

In his “parody,” Powers has Cali Wilson (Tabitha Stevens) and her invalid brother Frank (Ron Jeremy) with some other “youths” (as they are called by the opening crawl), consisting of Gary (Steve Hatcher), Mitch (Kyle Stone), and Cora (Candy Apples) going to see Cali and Frank's grandfather Tony Wilson's grave to see if it has been desecrated by blow up dolls and sex toys as other graves have in the area. After they travel to Tony's old house and along the way pick up a hitchhiker (Dave Hardman), who's family works in the dildo business. After the hitchhiker turns out to be less than mentally with it, they toss him from the van and end up at Tony's, where they find they have no gas and a deranged lunatic of some sort named Pussyface (Gina Rome) is terrorizing the neighborhood.

There are brief moments when it seems like Powers really wanted to do something with this movie. The beat up van he uses is good. He went through the work of making a mask for Pussy face to wear. He made a graveyard. He did a decent reproduction of the photographic opening of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre using blow up dolls for his. However, even at most of this Powers fell really short. Pussyface's paper mache mask consisting of eye holes and a crudely made vagina is poorly done and is pathetic looking. The giant birthmark that takes up most of the hitchhiker's (Dave Hardman) face is horrible. As are grandpa (Rod Fontana) and grandma's (Cheyenne) make-up jobs.

The graveyard was cheaply made and looks very fake. The clearly empty building being used as a “gas station,” which is missing any actual gas pumps and then when entering becomes a rather nice kitchen (adorned of course with sex toys). Grandfather Wilson's place appears to possibly be a woodshed, making me wonder how all these people thought they would fit in it for the night.

The swimming hole, which has dried up, was so small that now a broken down trampoline fits over it making one wonder how anyone actually swam in it to begin with. The backwoods dildo loving hillbilly family house in the rural Anus Texas (located in Dildona County) looks nothing like one would expect a rural Texas house to look and for some odd reason looks like a Southern California dwelling. The final, all cast and then some, orgy is clearly shot in a South California yard at the end and there is no mistaking it at all for a rural beat-up Texas location.

There is what must be supposedly scary utility shed with live chickens, blow up dolls, and dildos. I assume it is supposed to be scary since the actress screams her head off when she sees it but it looks just plain silly. And then there is the overused garage of death which is decorated with hanging dildos. None of this is very inspired nor scary or amusing.

The movie is filled with asinine moments like when Cali is pushing Frank through the woods at night looking for everyone else and he randomly pulls out and talks about a picture from when he could walk, just before they get attacked by the not so scary dildo-chainsaw wielding Pussyface. Pussyface is again worth bringing up since most of the time she is wielding a chainsaw with a rotating dildo attached beyond where the non-spinning chain is. I'm not sure how this is supposed to work and it just looks stupid, not scary. Pussyface also hits people with dildos to take them out which is probably more effective than the moronic chainsaw dildo thing.

Another asinine noteworthy moment is in the van, when Mitch gets mad at Frank for jerking off to Cora, Mitch's fiancée, blowing the hitchhiker, but he doesn't seem to care in the slightest that she is blowing the hitchhiker. Nor does he really seem to care with both Frank and the hitchhiker fuck her. No mention is also ever made on how Frank is an invalid requiring a wheelchair to get around yet during the sex scene, Frank can kneel, Frank can stand, Frank has full use of his body, Powers did a shitty job of creating a sex scene with an invalid moving around sans wheelchair who immediately becomes bound by it again after.

The van scenes in the beginning are a complete waste, both the sexual and the non-sexual portions. Obviously unable to get his hands on a wide angle camera or not understanding he would have to use one to shoot in the cramped quarters of the van, Powers ineptly shoots this with angles that are horrible and cut off frames because the camera could get so little into the frame. Yet somehow in this, Powers does manage to capture that the moving van is stationary by continuously managing to get the windshield into shots.

The cast does a horrible job with the non-sex portion stumbling their way through the movie. Even those who have shown they have acting talent in other projects, show none here. Jonathan Morgan puts on an agonizingly horrible portrayal of the hillbilly gas station attendant constantly screaming the entire time. The scene with Cali and the gas station attendant in the truck are almost impossible to hear since the camera was so far away and Powers clearly relied on the microphone on the camera only for sound. The stunt work is horrible, with a blowup doll filling in as Dave Hardman's stunt double. The truck at the end, which is trying to get away from Pussyface, is driving at about two miles per hour, if that.

All the poor make-up effects, cramped quarters with a lack of camera proficiency, yelling and screaming, and bad acting make the sex scenes even a chore to sit through. I can't recommend this movie to anyone.

Heatwave has done a poor job with this release with a subpar transfer of the movie, some disc authoring errors, and a lack of extras that relate to the movie or improve the quality of the disc. Heatwave seriously dropped the ball on the authoring of this disc by putting a rather long Heatwave advert at the beginning of the disc, prior to any menus, with no way to bypass forcing the viewer to sit through it.

Texas Dildo Masquerade is presented in the full screen aspect ratio of 1.33:1. Color reproduction is good. The beginning of the movie is in decent shape but exhibits what looks like grain, which is odd for a clearly shot on video production. The last half hour of the movie is in poor shape due to what appears to be disc authoring errors. The screen has pixels that come and go during the final last hour which I suspect is due to using too low of a bit rate. The fisting from the final orgy scene is cut from this version.

Texas Dildo Masquerade is presented with an English Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo track. Except for problems with the production itself, the audio track works fine for the material being presented. Heatwave has included French and Hungarian Dolby Digital 2.0 Stereo dubbed tracks for the feature movie as well.

Heatwave has included a few extras on the disc but they are of little value. “The Cast” has brief and essentially useless text pieces on Tabitha Stevens, Candy Apples, Mila, Randi Storm, and Sweety Pie. “European Beauties” features four bonus sex scenes from unidentified movies. The scenes are likely heavily cut since all of them have run times of under two minutes. “Blondes in Action” contains four bonus sex scenes from unidentified movies. Again these scenes are likely cut since all of them also have run times of under two minutes. “Virtual Experience” features three POV scenes (masturbation, blow job, and sex) with Candy Apples. Which scene is which isn't identified on the menu and two of the scenes run for almost, but not quite, two minutes and the third runs for twenty four seconds.

Texas Dildo Masquerade is a horrible movie to come from Jim Powers and Heatwave. The movie itself is a chore to sit though with a story that insults the viewer by existing and sex scenes that are rather poor. Heatwave has done a poor job with the release as well making this an easy to skip and forget release.

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