Stiff Company Review

Reviewed by Feels So Right  on  6/3/2001

This DVD isn't completely awful. Its biggest flaw is that three of the four scenes couple one guy I really find attractive with one guy I find utterly repulsive, to varying degrees, while the fourth features two handsome-deficient performers. Here's a breakdown:

The package: Pretty standard stuff. At least the cast pictured in the artwork actually appears in this title!

Stars: Paul Morgan, Emilio Sands, Kody Fields, Frankie V., Leo Masters, Rickee, Danny, and someone who apparently wishes to remain anonymous. To be honest, I don't know who any of these guys are except Paul Morgan and Emilio Sands, and the credits don't match actor to name, so I won't be addressing anyone by their stage name except them.

The Menu: Actually kind of nice. It's animated, which is sort of unusual for something done on the cheap. Paul and Emilio appear in the background while a not-bad jazz theme plays, and then the two ugliest cast members rise up in the middle, which totally ruins it. Oh, well. Just start the movie before they pop up.

Disc features: The usual stuff, like chapters, trailers for other crappy discs, web links, a photo gallery (nice, but nothing too special).

The Movie: Well, each scene attempts to set up a premise, but they are not related to one another at all, so I wouldn't say there's really any plot. The video is fairly good shot-on-digital- video stuff, and loses focus only a couple of times when the camera moves in an awkward manner. The "Metro" logo is burned in on some scenes, which, while not really distracting, is somewhat annoying. The editing is decent, without any jarring jumps during the scenes. The "acting" attempted here would have been better left excised altogether. I realize most of this is made up on the spot, but why even bother with it? The sound is all live while the requisite cheesy porn music is kept at a low level, which reduces the annoyance factor substantially.

Scene One: Emilio is modeling for a photographer. The premise is sort of sexy, the photographer is decidedly not. As the shoot progresses, the photographer assists in removing Emilio's clothes. As I said, I like the premise of the model being undressed a little at a time, and Emilio's Latin/Asian (?) looks are quite nice. This would have been a great scene had they put a decent looking actor opposite him. Eventually, the photographer decides Emilio needs to undress him. This is done with some difficulty which actually winds up with Emilio holding the camera while the photog undoes his pants. Out pops a rather huge-looking penis. Once the pants come off, you see that this poor member and his balls have been bound within an inch of their lives, so his size is misleading, and this guy has a gut and a great big hairy ass, neither of which belong in anything but fetish porn. He does manage to stuff Emilio's semi-stiffy and both balls into his mouth at one point without even gagging, so I'll have to say that was a bit impressive. They trade oral favors, and there is even a brief docking sequence before we get a doggystyle fuck with Emilio topping that treats us to a nauseating view of The Amazing Colossal Ass. It's even nastier when Emilio thrusts and we're treated to assfat quakes. Emilio inserts a double-ended dildo into The Sta-Puft Porno guy, but does not use the other end on himself. He then rolls over and we get to see his stomach flab attempting to smother his now-limp cock, too. Lovely. Emilio pulls out the dildo and finishes him off, they both shoot their wads and the next scene begins.

Scene Two: Some guy who looks like the lead singer of Everclear (not my cup o' tea, but maybe yours?) is relaxing in his backyard. A handsome young man is wandering in the woods nearby and has lost his friends (and his shirt...mmmmm). Both have to "talk to themselves" and finally each other to set up the premise, but in any case, Everclear guy offers to help out our boy scout any way he can. To be fair, both guys have pretty good (toned, not overly muscular) bodies and Everclear guy isn't nearly as ugly as some of the other guys here. They take turns playing each others' skin flute, with some mutual masturbation and a 69 thrown in for good measure before the boy scout takes Everclear guy from behind. They change positions a few times before their eruptions. I like the fact that the boy scout jacks Everclear to orgasm as he's riding him. It's too bad the boy scout has to jerk himself off to cum. I really enjoy it when it's achieved at another's hand, not their own. This scene is shot outdoors and the dappled sunlight makes for an interesting effect in some of the shots. Unfortunately, it also makes it very obvious that the sex was filmed at various times of the day.

Scene Three: Okay, simply put, this scene just needs to be skipped. Two Latin guys (the nightmare popup from the menu) are doing bench presses and speaking Spanglish. The "client" is a fucking toad. He's pudgy and looks something like the cartoon version of Gomez Addams, with a stocky body and a big head. The "trainer" looks like a Latino Mickey Dolenz (The Monkees) circa '86, with a pony tail and a scar on his face that appears to have been caused by being stabbed in the cheek with a switchblade. Granted, he's not fat, but he's pretty homely. Neither of these guys should be in porn, but I digress. The client suddenly gets a pain in his crotch, which requires inspection. This leads to lots of schoolgirl-like giggling on the trainer's part (the fact that his voice is not unlike Michael Jackson's doesn't help), which continues even with the guy's dick in his mouth. The client makes a pathetic attempt to return the favor, and it seems pretty clear that he's seldom, if ever, had a cock in his mouth. Eventually, the trainer mounts him on the bench, and you just know the guy is hating it. His expression is one of extreme discomfort and each moan is one of pain pathetically disguised (and often not) as pleasure. Through the remainder of the scene, he keeps either a death grip on the trainer's cock or an arm pushing him away, to keep all but the tip of his cock outside the his hole. Completely awful and inexcusably bad. They blow their wads and it's finally over.

Scene Four: This stars Paul Morgan, who is a frat boy wet dream, and some dude who looks like Joaquin Phoenix with a nosering. He's not fat, but he's far from what I would call handsome, though his body's decent. This scene also features one of the worst bungled lines I've heard in a while. Paul is surveying land to be cleared and is talking to himself as he takes notes. He comments that "There's more dried brush up here than a geriatric whorehouse." I'm sure he was going for "bush," but even so, it's a bad joke and it gets you thinking about old lady hookers, something that's gonna drive my boner into the ground for a good hour or two, at minimum. It's also a very long set-up, so SKIP THIS INTRO!! Paul quotes Joaquin a price, which Joaquin just can't afford. He offers up $500 and a fuck in exchange for the services, which Paul takes. They taste-test one another's tubesteaks, which would be better if Paul didn't have to stare into the camera with a deer-in-headlights gaze. It just takes away from the scene, though not as much as when the camera man actually bumps into them. They switch positions and Paul gets rimmed by Joaquin. Paul reciprocates and then penetrates, first with a finger, then with his cock. Some pesky flies also try to get in on the action. Hope none of them got squished up into Joaquin's ass. I don't think the ASPCA was monitoring, so it's unknown. Joaquin lays on his back and Paul gets in some nice deep thrusts until Joaquin blows his wad and jacks Paul to orgasm (another nice touch), which concludes the disc.

Overall, this could have been a much better disc if they had simply elected to seek out a more attractive cast. It's too bad they didn't. As it stands, it's a mediocre disc at best.