Smokin' 5 Review

Cast: Loni, Kayla, Candy Estefana, Pamella Page, Paris, Alexia Riley, Starr McKinnely, Lisa Linn, Rossana de la Vega, Karianna.

Director: Mark Archer

Production date: 4/21/02

Length: 101 min.

Extras: A 6-min. blooper reel, six previews and a slide show with 20 photos.

Audio/visual quality: The video is sharp and very well-lit. The mix of wide, medium and close-up shots is pleasing, but be forewarned that the masturbation and smoking footage are heavily intercut. The set is starkly elegant—the all-black furniture and black backdrop showcase the smoke beautifully. Occasionally, the cameraman catches other parts of the room along the edges of the screen, which is a minor distraction. Sensuous jazz plays during the tease sequences; there's no music during the solo sex. There are very small, infrequent problems with reverb and background noise, but the dirty talk is always easily heard and understood.

Disc problems: Unlike the previous volume I reviewed (Smokin' 3), there's no way to exit or skip the two minutes of compulsory advertising that precede the main menu. (The best I can do with my machine is to scan through at 8x.) Advertising immediately and automatically follows the end credits, as well. This is not technically a malfunction, but it is annoying.

First impression: Some of the themes are significantly darker than in Smokin' 3, and for that reason, I don't like this installment nearly as well.

Scene highlights: Each of the ten scenes begins with a tease. Most often the actresses smoke cigarettes first and then move on to cigars (which makes me happy, since I think cigars are definitely sexier). As is standard for Kick Ass titles, all actresses are natural-breasted and naked—they wear jewelry only.

Loni's an Asian starlet with a growing fan base. She licks, squeezes and jiggles her sizable boobies. She smokes her cigarette and cigar through her nostrils (as well as the more traditional way). Loni rapidly thrusts a small blue vibrator in and out of her pussy and urges the viewer, "I want you to fuck me hard, 'til I bleed." She briefly uses the vibe in her ass, as well.

Kayla, a dirty blonde with messy eyeliner, repeatedly twists her nipple rings (one of which is broken.) Between drags on her cigarette, she licks her toe, operates a vibe and abuses the viewer: "I'm sure you couldn't get me off...you're so sorry in bed...you pathetic ass...I want to see you make yourself come; personally, I don't think you can do it." Maybe, but Kayla doesn't come, either.

Candy Estefana, a Latina and the third actress in a row with larger-than-average breasts, holds her smokes with ragged nails that are badly in need of a manicure. She makes odd faces as she puffs, giving the appearance that she's trying it for first time. Candy's performance is very low-key; her giggles suggest a certain newness and nervousness about appearing on camera.

Pamella Page proffers the first of the two scenes that I like best on this disc. Pamella's a self-confident brunette with a bit of maturity (I think it's safe to say she's beyond her teens, anyhow). She grins broadly, flexes her gorgeously sculpted calf muscles and blows competent smoke rings. Pamella calls us "Big Daddy" in her soft, sultry voice. She spanks herself and pleases her "kitty" with a hooked G-spot vibe.

Fair-skinned and somber-eyed, Paris looks a couple of years younger than her actual age of 18. She plays with her large pussy lips and describes her first DAP. She also recalls losing her virginity at 12. Her ex-boyfriend was cheating on her, and his 27-year-old brother decided to "comfort" her. She attributes this experience to her "promiscuous ways." Paris' tone is very matter-of-fact, but I found this scene disturbing enough that I could barely watch it a second time, even for the purposes of this review.

The box cover girl, Alexia Riley, has great fun with the smoke rings, even blowing a few directly at the camera. A text screen apologizes for her mellow performance: "If Alexia seems a little 'slow,' it may have something to do with the homegrown tobacco she's smoking." I'm not really turned on by it (especially when she dreamily mentions that she loves to choke on cocks), but Alexia does seem to be in a happy mood.

Starr McKinnely, a sunburned young lady with short brown hair, puts good enthusiasm into her scene. I like the way she speaks; her voice is authoritative and carries a slight accent that I can't quite place. Unfortunately, the editing is really odd—Starr's intense moans outstrip her gentle self-stimulation, and the screen fades to black abruptly before her orgasm.

Lisa Linn is a pretty Asian whose facial expressions shift rapidly betwixt boredom and amusement. Based on the bloopers, I'd be willing to wager that smoking is not normally one of her vices. She penetrates her pussy with a blue vibe and announces rather unconvincingly that she's coming. Lisa does a fairly nice job, though, of explaining what she likes about cocks.

Rossana de la Vega succeeds better than anyone else at putting some Kick Ass into this production. Rossana is a handsome woman with large eyes, a wide mouth, and an angular jaw that looks broader than her forehead. I enjoy the contrast between her striking appearance and her innocent, girly voice. Rossana shakes her booty for the camera and claims she'd really like for us to rape her throat. Ugh, I can't say that exactly warms my heart, but I end up loving this scene. Rossana's dirty talk soon turns much sweeter, and she comes twice with a G-spot vibe. During her first climax, it's actually possible to see Rossana squeeze out a drop of her vaginal secretions while her pelvic floor contracts in rhythm with her orgasm.

Karianna, a dark haired Englishwoman, looks quite exotic with her tongue stud, multiple tattoos, tons of rhinestone jewelry and classic rock-n-roll sneer. She stuffs her toes into her mouth during the tease and plunges four fingers into her ass during the masturbation. I like Karianna, and she gives a strong performance here, complete with a shuddering orgasm. At a couple points during her double penetration, however, she presses virtually the whole vibe into her ass (save only an eighth of an inch). It looks like she dang near loses it, and this scares me enough that I can't quite get aroused.

Thumbs up: The variations in sexual style are both the strength and the weakness of this movie. The changes in mood give this disc an inconsistent feel, but it could also be argued that there's a little something here for everyone. I was turned on by two of the performances (Pamella's and Rossana's) and unexcited by the rest. A viewer with a different set of kinks might best enjoy Kayla and Paris' scenes (the ones that creeped me out the most). I've decided to characterize this as a "thumbs up"—at the very least, this movie does stay true to its main fetish, and the smoking theme is the one thread holding it all together.

In addition, the bloopers are fun and worth a look (assuming you don't mind lots of spitting). They might even be more enjoyable than the movie itself.

Thumbs down: As noted for Smokin' 3, there is a significant amount of intercut smoking footage. Obviously, that's not a problem if you're a true fetishist. I've become more of a fetishist than I used to be, but I still consider it distracting when an actress approaches an orgasm (real or faked), and there's a jump edit to her puffing away on a stogie.

Mostly the actresses describe what pleases them, but much of the remaining patter is phallocentric. I'd probably appreciate it more if I was a male. But since I'm not, it'd be nice if they'd occasionally address some other erogenous zone—nipples, lips and buttocks are all gender neutral, for example. Heck, if they'd even discuss my "package" (or some other clever substitute for the ubiquitous "cock" references), I could get into their scenes so much easier.

YogaGrrl's motherly advice: Thank Goddess that the vibrators in Loni's and Karianna's scenes don't appear to be turned on. It's really very dangerous to use toys that lack a flared base in the butt (especially ones as small as these). If a vibe gets lost in there while it's running, it will keep going until the battery dies. With no air circulating around it, it may well overheat and cause internal burns. I've applied my standard half-star penalty to the overall rating. If it doesn't bother you to see a woman's ass repeatedly on the verge of swallowing a piece of plastic, by all means, consider this a 2.5 star movie.

Themes: Smoking (cigars, cigarettes, marijuana), masturbation, dirty talk, anal (technical), DP (technical), foot worship (self-massage, self-sucking), big tits, male degradation (verbal abuse toward viewer), pedophilia (discussed, not shown), sunburn, toys (vibrators only).

Condom use: None (n/a).

Juice-o-meter: Low.

Final analysis: I'll never forget how a reader contacted me after my review of Smokin' 3 and requested more information on the knuckle cracking in Scarlet's scene. That was cool, and it really woke me up to the fact that Kick Ass caters to certain fetishes that are difficult to find elsewhere. If you see one of your favorite fetishes in the scene descriptions, then this disc might be a wise investment for you. But for the more typical porn viewer (if there is such a thing), Smokin' 5 is probably going to have a very uneven feel. Much of the masturbation is rather unfocused, some of the actresses are not especially attractive, and my "below average" rating reflects those issues.

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