Secret Admirer (Metro) Review
Metro
Studio: Metro
Category: Couples , Feature film
Directed by: Mike Quasar
Starring: Bobby Vitale, Mark Davis, Wendi Knight, Lola [I] (ambiguous), Keri Windsor, Bridgette Kerkove, Belladonna, Briana Banks
Released on: 10/15/2001
dumblonde's ratings for this movie:
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Reviewed by dumblonde on 8/11/2002
Writer/Director: Mike Quasar
Videographer: Mike Quasar
Running length: 1 hr 35 min
DOP: 2/6 - 10/2001
Female cast: Brianna Banks, Bella Donna, Keri Windsor, Wendy Knight, Bridgette Kerkove, Lola
Male cast: Bobby Vitale, Joel Lawrence, Mark Davis
Audio/Video:
Great video as usual, with lots of different camera angles (with the exception of the Bobby, Wendy and Keri scene) and a good mixture of medium and in-your-face closeups.
It had some nice music, though I found the romantic piece during the first scene a little incongruous. But what do I know, I like to get it on to AC/DC.
Extras:
Trailers
Slide show of stills
Star interviews (Behind the scenes): This had an enjoyable frenetic music video feel to it in parts, which shows some thought and effort. As in a couple of other behind the scenes of Quasarman's however, the viewer is left feeling that either a) there's some inside joke that they're not getting, or b) these people are all whacked.
Condoms: none
Preface:
It's no secret I've been a long time admirer of Quasarman and his movies. In fact I adore him, and have always appreciated the care, the humor, and consistantly superior camerawork that's become his trademark. Therefore, should he read this review, I hope he takes it in good humor, and with the grain of salt that it's worth.
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The Movie:
This one should have been called Skank Admirer.
Oh settle down, I'm not even talking about Bella Donna. Specifically. And to be fair to Keri, Wendy and Lola, it was more like half and half. Bobby Vitale isn't one of my favorites either.
With all due respect to Ms Banks, I haven't seen someone this miscast since Alexandra Silk played a college professor in Quaze's Addiction.
The very first thing you will see is Brianna slowly unsnapping her industrial strength bra, as the camera zooms in on her cleavage in anticipation. I knew what was coming, so I got the joke. It WAS a joke, right? 'Cause I...well, I don't wanna be overly harsh here (my new policy), just take a look at my screenshots, peoples.
Bobby Vitale plays her husband, who is depressed because their marriage is in trouble. He sits around remembering her on their wedding day, dressed in tongue screw, fake tits, and all white, sounding like a 10 year old bubbleheaded retard.
For the first scene, Bobby reminisces about all the great marital sex they used to have - which leads to a romantic anal pounding that ends with him holding her by the throat and jerking himself off into her face as she spits out big cum bubbles like Candy Apples in American Bukkake.
Welcome to Couples Porn hell.
Bobby can't imagine why she stopped wanting to have sex with him, so he asks the advice of fellow Mensa member Joel Lawrence, who gives him a pep talk about how it's not really a bad thing to be out of one's comfort zone. He kinda mumbles and mangles Quaze's lines, however. I understand the concept, even though I've done less time in any comfort zone than OJ Simpson has for his wife's murder. What Joel is saying is that most great accomplishments in life are born out of pain, or hardships of some kind.
What this has to do with jerking off over the internet I have no idea.
Joel tells him about all the wild wienie wanking he's been doing on the www and encourages Bobby to do the same.
Bobby, Keri and Wendy Knight
Bobby hooks up with a 'Too Much Fun' and gets into a fantasy scene involving 'two broads'. Wendy and Keri take turns manipulating each other's genitals, orally and digitally, and Keri licks Wendy's feet for a bit.
Guys will like the fact that no toys are used, but in my opinion this might as well have been a b/g scene, and even had Wendy receiving Keri's oral attentions in the piledriver position. Bobby adds to the warmth by helping to hold her legs back and grabbing Keri's hair. Oye vey.
Like most g/g scenes (notice I never use the term lesbian), it ends without anyone appearing to get off.
Bobby just watches here, with his head cocked and an inquisitive look in his face, like he's witnessing some sort of alien encounter.
Kinda like me, most of the time.
Joel Lawrence, Lola, and Bridgette Kerkove act out one of Joel's fantasies, a standard Roman gladiator/two broads setup. At least there's no closeup of Bridgette's chest. Neither one of females get off, and Joel yanks his crank to finish the scene.
Brianna and Mark Davis
Brianna's also emailing a muff diver, and logs on to Mark's ding-dong during her lunch break. Her office turns into a club scene, complete with dramatic lighting and lounge lizard. Mark gets humped by her Hindenburgs, and displays that lizard-like tongue that he's so proud of.
He pops on her face, but she doesn't appear to have a climax...even though this is HER fantasy. I think I know why, if anyone cares. Okay, I'll tell you anyway.
From watching porn I now realize that my inability to come from oral sex is not totally my fault. It's partly Quasarman's fault too. No, I don't mean literally, but indirectly none the less. I assumed it was something mental, because any other way I have the opposite problem. It's a good thing I'm not a guy, 'cause I'd be a premature ejaculator. Anyway, guys seem to love a challenge and because of this, I've probably gotten more head than Jose Eber during Gay Pride Week, so in a way, it's working for me. I should probably THANK him.
Jenna Jameson told me that directors ALWAYS want to see this 'long tongue' technique (btw Jenna, did I mention that no one has been able to make me come from oral sex?) because...well, I'm not sure why, but indeed Mike is shown behind the scenes directing Mark Davis as he ate Brianna, while Mike ate a sandwich or something. Here is a perfect example of why porn should not used as some kind of sexual how-to manual.
Incidentally, if you can eat lunch while watching live porn sex, it's a fairly good indicator that you're way past any distracting titillation factor, but that can also be a double-edged sword.
Anyhoo guys, my point is, think 'Hoover'.
Bobby and Bella Donna
She was pretty good here. She didn't yell a lot, at least smiled while having sex, something that is sorely lacking in porn. She didn't have rubber tits, though she kept her top on for most of it to hide the tattoos. Oral, BJ, cowgirl, mish, yadayada. Bobby burps his worm, and again displays this tendancy to put his hand on her throat.
I HATE seeing that in movies, and it is especially disturbing to see it insidiously appearing in so-called 'couples' porn. When did choking women become sexy, or even OK? I don't care that Bella Donna still has that goofy smile on her face, either.
People in porn seem to live in an isolated and altered state of reality, where chest mutilation is the norm, Skeeter and Bridgette Kerkove are the most stable couple they know, and porn chicks can get so burned out sexually that they have to be strangled to feel anything. That's too bad, but please keep it to yourself. Most real couples don't wanna see this crap.
Thank you very much.
Male Cumshots: 5
Female Orgasms: 0
Dumblonde's Orgasms from Oral Sex: 0
Videographer: Mike Quasar
Running length: 1 hr 35 min
DOP: 2/6 - 10/2001
Female cast: Brianna Banks, Bella Donna, Keri Windsor, Wendy Knight, Bridgette Kerkove, Lola
Male cast: Bobby Vitale, Joel Lawrence, Mark Davis
Audio/Video:
Great video as usual, with lots of different camera angles (with the exception of the Bobby, Wendy and Keri scene) and a good mixture of medium and in-your-face closeups.
It had some nice music, though I found the romantic piece during the first scene a little incongruous. But what do I know, I like to get it on to AC/DC.
Extras:
Trailers
Slide show of stills
Star interviews (Behind the scenes): This had an enjoyable frenetic music video feel to it in parts, which shows some thought and effort. As in a couple of other behind the scenes of Quasarman's however, the viewer is left feeling that either a) there's some inside joke that they're not getting, or b) these people are all whacked.
Condoms: none
Preface:
It's no secret I've been a long time admirer of Quasarman and his movies. In fact I adore him, and have always appreciated the care, the humor, and consistantly superior camerawork that's become his trademark. Therefore, should he read this review, I hope he takes it in good humor, and with the grain of salt that it's worth.
*************************************************************
*************************************************************
The Movie:
This one should have been called Skank Admirer.
Oh settle down, I'm not even talking about Bella Donna. Specifically. And to be fair to Keri, Wendy and Lola, it was more like half and half. Bobby Vitale isn't one of my favorites either.
With all due respect to Ms Banks, I haven't seen someone this miscast since Alexandra Silk played a college professor in Quaze's Addiction.
The very first thing you will see is Brianna slowly unsnapping her industrial strength bra, as the camera zooms in on her cleavage in anticipation. I knew what was coming, so I got the joke. It WAS a joke, right? 'Cause I...well, I don't wanna be overly harsh here (my new policy), just take a look at my screenshots, peoples.
Bobby Vitale plays her husband, who is depressed because their marriage is in trouble. He sits around remembering her on their wedding day, dressed in tongue screw, fake tits, and all white, sounding like a 10 year old bubbleheaded retard.
For the first scene, Bobby reminisces about all the great marital sex they used to have - which leads to a romantic anal pounding that ends with him holding her by the throat and jerking himself off into her face as she spits out big cum bubbles like Candy Apples in American Bukkake.
Welcome to Couples Porn hell.
Bobby can't imagine why she stopped wanting to have sex with him, so he asks the advice of fellow Mensa member Joel Lawrence, who gives him a pep talk about how it's not really a bad thing to be out of one's comfort zone. He kinda mumbles and mangles Quaze's lines, however. I understand the concept, even though I've done less time in any comfort zone than OJ Simpson has for his wife's murder. What Joel is saying is that most great accomplishments in life are born out of pain, or hardships of some kind.
What this has to do with jerking off over the internet I have no idea.
Joel tells him about all the wild wienie wanking he's been doing on the www and encourages Bobby to do the same.
Bobby, Keri and Wendy Knight
Bobby hooks up with a 'Too Much Fun' and gets into a fantasy scene involving 'two broads'. Wendy and Keri take turns manipulating each other's genitals, orally and digitally, and Keri licks Wendy's feet for a bit.
Guys will like the fact that no toys are used, but in my opinion this might as well have been a b/g scene, and even had Wendy receiving Keri's oral attentions in the piledriver position. Bobby adds to the warmth by helping to hold her legs back and grabbing Keri's hair. Oye vey.
Like most g/g scenes (notice I never use the term lesbian), it ends without anyone appearing to get off.
Bobby just watches here, with his head cocked and an inquisitive look in his face, like he's witnessing some sort of alien encounter.
Kinda like me, most of the time.
Joel Lawrence, Lola, and Bridgette Kerkove act out one of Joel's fantasies, a standard Roman gladiator/two broads setup. At least there's no closeup of Bridgette's chest. Neither one of females get off, and Joel yanks his crank to finish the scene.
Brianna and Mark Davis
Brianna's also emailing a muff diver, and logs on to Mark's ding-dong during her lunch break. Her office turns into a club scene, complete with dramatic lighting and lounge lizard. Mark gets humped by her Hindenburgs, and displays that lizard-like tongue that he's so proud of.
He pops on her face, but she doesn't appear to have a climax...even though this is HER fantasy. I think I know why, if anyone cares. Okay, I'll tell you anyway.
From watching porn I now realize that my inability to come from oral sex is not totally my fault. It's partly Quasarman's fault too. No, I don't mean literally, but indirectly none the less. I assumed it was something mental, because any other way I have the opposite problem. It's a good thing I'm not a guy, 'cause I'd be a premature ejaculator. Anyway, guys seem to love a challenge and because of this, I've probably gotten more head than Jose Eber during Gay Pride Week, so in a way, it's working for me. I should probably THANK him.
Jenna Jameson told me that directors ALWAYS want to see this 'long tongue' technique (btw Jenna, did I mention that no one has been able to make me come from oral sex?) because...well, I'm not sure why, but indeed Mike is shown behind the scenes directing Mark Davis as he ate Brianna, while Mike ate a sandwich or something. Here is a perfect example of why porn should not used as some kind of sexual how-to manual.
Incidentally, if you can eat lunch while watching live porn sex, it's a fairly good indicator that you're way past any distracting titillation factor, but that can also be a double-edged sword.
Anyhoo guys, my point is, think 'Hoover'.
Bobby and Bella Donna
She was pretty good here. She didn't yell a lot, at least smiled while having sex, something that is sorely lacking in porn. She didn't have rubber tits, though she kept her top on for most of it to hide the tattoos. Oral, BJ, cowgirl, mish, yadayada. Bobby burps his worm, and again displays this tendancy to put his hand on her throat.
I HATE seeing that in movies, and it is especially disturbing to see it insidiously appearing in so-called 'couples' porn. When did choking women become sexy, or even OK? I don't care that Bella Donna still has that goofy smile on her face, either.
People in porn seem to live in an isolated and altered state of reality, where chest mutilation is the norm, Skeeter and Bridgette Kerkove are the most stable couple they know, and porn chicks can get so burned out sexually that they have to be strangled to feel anything. That's too bad, but please keep it to yourself. Most real couples don't wanna see this crap.
Thank you very much.
Male Cumshots: 5
Female Orgasms: 0
Dumblonde's Orgasms from Oral Sex: 0
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