Ranch Hand Muscle Review

Reviewed by Joe Shaver  on  12/9/2002

The bad news is—cattle prices are down, the ranch is over-extended, and the loan officer is coming.
The good news is—cocks are up, Brett DiMineo is over-extended, and everyone’s cumming.

Hunky Andrew Addams has just asked Brett DiMineo to accompany him to the barn dance when ranch owner Aaron Tanner brings them the bad news. The boys decide to help Aaron lose his tension. Brett starts on his dick and Andrew starts on his ass. They switch places, but soon Brett’s dick becomes the center of attention as both Andrew and Aaron vie in sucking it. Brett then finds a double-headed dildo and a jar of Crisco that everyone knows is standard barn equipment. He lubes it up and inserts in his buddies’ bums. Boy do they have fun. Andrew moves on to the real thing when Brett skewers him; then Aaron gets it from Andrew.

When all have released their loads and a great deal of their tension, Brett discovers a door he has never seen before. So, just like Alice in Wonderland, he opens it and finds himself in a brightly lit corridor. Opening a door off this hallway he discovers a dungeon where muscular blond Tyson Rexx is in a cage screaming to be let out as an adorable blond twink in leather, Bryan Archer, is getting his dick sucked by Ty Parks, an equally cute brunet twink also in leather. Bryan not only returns the favor but also eats out Ty’s sweet smooth ass. I am surprised then when Ty’s cock enters Bryan’s fuzzy butt. Then I’m delighted when Ty lies back in a swing with his feet in the stirrups in order to be impaled on Bryan’s stiffy.

These two must simply evaporate into thin air after cumming because they are nowhere in sight as Brett approaches Tyson’s cage. He tells Tyson that if he lets him out he will have to do as he is told. Before this can happen, a leather-clad Zane West interrupts Brett. Undeterred by the interruption Brett simply pushes Zane to his knees. Zane does an incredible job of deep-throating Brett’s monster before they are joined by Kyle Richards (also in sissy leather gear) who takes a few slurps on Brett’s dick before fucking Zane. Sex seems to be a dangerous activity in this dungeon because after cumming they evaporate just as Bryan and Ty had previously.

Brett now lets Tyson out of his cage and gives him instructions to keep the loan officer from foreclosing on the ranch.

Meanwhile—back at the ranch—Mark Dalton is spreading out some blankets to jack off in the barn. This is the hunk on the cover. He spends an infinity twitching his biceps and pecs before getting down to his cock. It is a great body—well, actually it’s a fantastic body. He strips totally nude for his jack off which is nice. What is not nice is the furshluginder music—a horrible repetition of 7 notes—that plays throughout the entire scene. You will have to turn it off to keep from screaming and climbing the walls. I have never heard worse music in any video. Talk about ruining a scene! Boy this was real proof of the old saying “silence is golden”. What could have been better than hearing Mark moan and gasp as he exercised this muscle?

Tyson has entered though the magic door to catch this performance and to encounter Leo Bramm as the loan officer. When Leo seems reluctant to offer an extension, Tyson gives him an extension he can’t refuse. Leo’s heavy accent that he used for the dialogue disappears as he’s getting rimmed and fucked. (Funny, it never helped my French pronunciation.)

This one has a little something for everyone: big dicks, twinks, a muscle hunk jackoff, leather, dildos, and pretty good sex. But the plot is really stupid! Asinine! An insult even to the intelligence of GWB. What’s all this leather dungeon business doing in a farm flick? Hey, I like leather flicks, but when something is advertised as a ranch flick I want horny cowboys and randy farm boys. I think they had scenes left over from an unfinished leather film and so threw them in here with a stupidly expedient gimmick. I mean there are enough studs on the farm to have plowed the loan officer six ways from Sunday. If a film is going to have a plot it should be somewhat sensible. Otherwise just give us good sex. You are probably going to buy this because of Mark Dalton’s jackoff scene. If you do, be sure to turn the sound off. Personally, I’d advise you to wait until he gets a little more adventurous and permits a blowjob.